From time to time, an abuse victim will ask me, “Do you believe our relationship can be saved?” Instantly, I feel the weight of it, for the question is filled with untold emotion and self-doubt.
I have a pretty good idea where she is coming from. If she is anything like I was, the abuse victim has staked her future on a hope that she can somehow hold things together while helping the abuser to work through his* issues, believing she might possess some intangible quality that will ultimately move him to address not only his unhealthy behaviors, but his very nature. So for the victim, it is the investment of herself she seeks to redeem, as surely it would be a terrible waste to forfeit that which has consumed so much of her life’s energy if, by some miracle, a favorable outcome may be imminent.
But, what if it becomes apparent that all of her efforts have amounted to nothing? Submitting to such a hard truth will inflict pain enough. The admission will add another layer of uncertainty to her already stressful life, and she will face the judgment of many who will hastily conclude that it was she who failed.
In most instances, the abuse victim is weighing the price her heart, mind and soul have paid to accommodate her abuser’s moods and demands up until now. She realizes that her ongoing efforts to survive and even help her abuser amid the chaos he churns up have borne little fruit.
Adding to the conflict within her, I can almost hear the voice of her abuser in the background – the man who, finally facing some painful consequences, suddenly declares that he has seen the light. Together with his allies’ endorsement of his impressive transformation, the victim feels the pressure. She has probably heard the guilt-laden words from more than one friend or family member:
“Don’t you want to save your marriage?”
The words sting like salt in a wound. The victim is utterly exhausted, but should she refuse to trust in her abuser’s dramatic change and instead decline his overtures, blame for the relationship’s failure will surely fall on her. She is at a crossroads, desperate to know whether she is obligated to fan the withering flame of hope she used to have for the relationship, or whether someone like me might provide a dousing of hard truth that might at last extinguish it.
So, in an effort to help the enabler-victim find her footing, I will tell her that she needn’t concern herself with saving the relationship, but rather she should commit to taking care of herself. She is powerless to save her abuser or the relationship, and I will emphasize that it is not her responsibility to do so. If the abuser had fulfilled his marital responsibilities from the beginning, there would be nothing to debate.
In the end, whether the abuser decides to seek whatever help he needs to address his issues is his business alone. And let him figure it out over whatever period of time is necessary while living elsewhere – away from the people who have served as his ready targets. Although virtually every victim feels an obligation to ease the abuser’s discomfort, he deserves no explanation and no apology for any inconvenience to which he might be subject. Even pity gives him power.
I will also remind the victim that abusers are really good at making promises, but lousy at keeping them. I will urge her to keep a safe emotional distance from him for a good, long while, learn to say ‘no’ to his self-serving propositions, and see whether his goodwill quickly evaporates when he does not get the response he expects, adding, “Then you will know that he has not really changed.” A genuinely repentant man would fully comprehend that trust must be re-earned over time.
I don’t give a rip about the abuser or whether a separation or divorce is hard on him. No, my concern is reserved for his primary victim and any children who have been held hostage to his unpredictable tirades and shaming games. What needs to be restored is the sense of safety and security that have been sacrificed to the abuser’s unreasonable demands.
There is no time like the present to reclaim sound priorities, begin the work of bringing healing to the hearts and minds of victims and their children, and weave love, respect, affection and truth in and through a recovering family structure. The victims need to know that their home will now be a place where they can live in safety.
I will not encourage an abuse victim to waste another breath attempting to “save” a harmful, dysfunctional union. Most assuredly, the ultimate objective is not to save the relationship, but to save those who have been harmed by it.
So, as to whether or not the relationship can be saved, perhaps it would be more appropriate to ask: Should it be saved? At the end of the day, that is a question only the victim can answer.
*Although abusers may be of either gender, the overwhelming majority of abusers are male; therefore, the abuser is referenced in the masculine. The reader’s understanding is appreciated.
Cindy Burrell
Copyright 2014
All Rights Reserved
This is just what I needed to hear. Divorcing after 17 years of hell on earth. Also, divorcing parents & siblings of 44 years of hell on earth. I am still having to deal with my soon to be ex and trying not to allow his abusive emails to undo me. My heart breaks for my girls, 14 & 11. The oldest sees, but the youngest is in denial because the truth is too painful. They are having a similar experience that I had minus the physical & sexual abuse. Exactly what I didn’t want for my girls. Hopefully, by my getting out, they will have a chance to marry better than I did. I want them to love themselves and find a true man of God that will love, honor, cherish & adore them. Thank you for all you have done and do!!! You have been the only Christian validation I have found. Be blessed!!!
Hello, Lisa.
I am glad that you have received the validation you needed and am so sorry for all that you and your daughters have endured. Yes, I am confident that you are doing what is best for them – and yourself! It is never too late to discover the truth, live it and help your children to find it, too.
I hope you will visit my website…I have a variety of articles and resources available, and you are welcome to write me if there are times you would just like to share or need some input. I’m happy to help if I can.
I wish you well.
And thank you for your kind comments. They did bless me!
Cindy
Inekrist, your story sounds EXACTLY the same as mine. I have been together with my husband for 13 years, married for 10. My family saw his abusiveness and control before we got married but I didn’t see it until after. I tried to leave in 2008 until he threatened to take my child away from me. I have now, for the last year, been going through the emotional roller coaster of whether to leave, whether to stay. We now have two young children together (ages 7 and 4). My husband decided to “change” in February when we had yet another big blow up. I told him how what he was doing was affecting the kids. That made him think, more then me ever telling him how I feel. The big surprise was the same-I have to change before he can change. What he does wrong is the affect of the situation-I am the cause. He acknowledges that he has faults, that he is wrong sometimes, etc. But I don’t think he TRULY feels that way. His words and actions don’t line up. Just like mine don’t anymore. He wants me to have more sex, communicate more, act like his equal, etc. I don’t communicate any more as it doesn’t matter. It creates a bigger argument. Plus I just don’t want to talk with him. I don’t have the strength for it anymore. I don’t want to have any physical contact with him. He doesn’t know what kind of affect his abuse has on me. And I certainly can’t act like his equal when he controls what I do (I’m not allowed to take lunches is an example). Now he has started taking out more of is aggression on the kids (verbal and physical). He told my daughter (who is almost 4) this weekend that she couldn’t do anything right. I’ve been hearing this for YEARS. I can’t take it anymore. I am ready for a real life, just like you. I just hope I have the strength and courage to take the steps you have started taking (I have at least talked to a counselor and an attorney, it’s just the fear of the unknown holding me back now).
Hello, Marie. From everything you described here, his continuing actions are still reflective of the power-control-dominance mindset. You seem to see it though. Trust your instincts. They are right on target. Another piece I authored that you might find interesting is called, Checklist Blackmail.
Be strong. That guy hasn’t changed a bit…
Cindy
Excellent advice on all counts. I wholly agree with the process you recommend. It is a lot of hard work, but when we finally reclaim our value and our lives, there is nothing like it.
Thanks for all of your encouragement. It is inspiring to read how far you have come.
All the best,
Cindy
Thank you Cindy for referring me to the article “Checklist Blackmail”. It sounds a lot like my husband. We have gone over many times what I need to change, what he needs to change and he tries for a few weeks and then goes right back to his old ways. I try to change (communicate more, act as his equal, etc) but then he makes a snide comment, controls me, is cruel to me or the kids or blows up at me for small, stupid stuff (and I mean REALLY small stuff), then I go right back into my “dark hole” and don’t want to talk to him or have anything to do with him. This is a daily battle! I have been trying to change myself the way I want to change and to try to do some healing but I have just come to the realization that I cannot truly do those things while I am still with him. It’s just getting the guts to walk away! My biggest worry, of course, is my kids. If I knew I could guarantee that I could get full custody, it would be a no brainer. But I have been their buffer, their protector for so long that I am afraid of leaving them with him by themselves.
Thank you for all of the wonderful, detailed and in-depth articles on your website. Even though I have done quite a bit of research online, reading books, etc., your website has helped me a lot!
Hello, Marie. I am glad that you are learning from the articles here and on the website.
I hope that you can see that what you are experiencing is consistent with the abuse dynamic. I am sure that you do what you can to protect your kids, but I need to tell you that, as much as you are convinced that you are their buffer, it is much like swimming with sharks… even though you can try to keep your kids a safe distance away from the threat, the danger is always there, close by, and they feel it whether you want to believe it or not. You cannot really protect them unless you remove them from the abuse.
You are right that there are no guarantees with regard to custody; however, as kids get older (and even early on if there is evidence of abuse), I think many courts will support their discretion.
Be safe – and thank you for writing.
Cindy
Hello, Marie. I am glad that you are learning from the articles here and on the website.
I hope that you can see that what you are experiencing is consistent with the abuse dynamic. I am sure that you do what you can to protect your kids, but I need to tell you that, as much as you are convinced that you are their buffer, it is much like swimming with sharks… even though you can try to keep your kids a safe distance away from the threat, the danger is always there, close by, and they feel it whether you want to believe it or not. You cannot really protect them unless you remove them from the abuse.
You are right that there are no guarantees with regard to custody; however, as kids get older (and even early on if there is evidence of abuse), I think many courts will support their discretion.
Be safe – and thank you for writing.
Cindy
I needed to be reminded of this today.
There are days I walk confident, sure-footed steps toward a new life of peace, safety, healing and freedom. And then there are days like today: full of self-doubt and confusion…wondering if I am making the right choices.
Thank you for being a voice of Truth along my journey…
Hello, Charis.
I am very sorry that you are struggling. I’ll be praying for you. Let me know if there is any way I can be of help or e-mail me personally from the website.
Be strong. Stand on what you know to be true.
Cindy
I’ve been married 42 years to an abuser. Started martial therapy again today. I am 62, I’m so angry because of the damage I’m just beginning to fully realize has been done. To both me and my daughter’s. He used to hit me but stopped 25 years ago after I graduated from nursing school, now it’s just verbal abuse. I was always told everything was my fault. I’ve had 5 breakdowns, also my fault. I’ve been in and out of counseling for years and on so many antidepressants I can’t remember them all. I’m also so angry he took my life away. Why didn’t any of those counselors try to save me? Even the one we started seeing today. My daughters, one of who is 38, is now dealing with growing up in this horrible home, the other who is 40 says she doesn’t remember him hitting me. She just wants us to stay together. They say to forget the past. I don’t believe he will ever change. I just need some support. I have very little money now and no good options.
Hello, Sharon.
I am glad that you you found the website and am so sorry to read about all that you have been through. It breaks my heart.
Sharon, I would just like to say that there is no such thing as “just” verbal abuse. While I am certain that the physical abuse was terrifying, verbal and emotional abuse are insidious in that the implication in so many of our minds is that it isn’t as serious and that we must find a way to endure it. Yet, as you well know the emotional scars you have borne as a result of his treatment will take a long time to heal.
I too am horrified that your counselors have failed to identify the abuse or to support you in it. But, Sharon, this is your life now. If you can get away from your abuser, you should. It is unfair for anyone to tell you to forget the past, particularly since it affects not only your past, but also your present and your future. People who naively say such things do not understand what women like you have been through. That doesn’t make them right, only ignorant. You are not obligated to accommodate anyone else’s expectations of you at this point. You get to choose. It is never too late to begin living the life God wants to give you, to learn what it is like to live a life of peace and contentment.
It may seem as though there are no good options, but pray for wisdom and look for any possible options – living with a friend, a relative, even as a roommate. Whatever your financial situation, your marital history would require some measure of ongoing financial support from your husband should you decide to leave.
You are welcome to write me. I will offer what insight and emotional support that I can.
Thank you for writing.
Cindy
Hello Cindy, I am so grateful for your website and you sharing your story to help others. God Bless! My husband and I have been married 18 years. I have known for years that something was wrong but couldn’t figure it out because I was always talked out of it, if you know what I mean. It’s crushing and liberating for me to realize now the cycle of abuse that has been going on for years in our home. It is truly a total cycle. Nice calm honeymoon stage, then the tension builds and we are all on eggshells and then the verbal, emotional abuse. Then the calm stage again that I get duped into believing real change (lie) and we start all over again. Ughh. We have four children, two teenagers and a 5 yr old and a 3 yr old. I have not worked all these years because I have loved staying home with them. I still want to at least until my 3 yr old goes to kindergarten. This is my dilemma. I don’t think I will be able to support all of us on minimum wage. I am scared. We left and stayed with my Mom over the summer in hopes that he would really wake up because he/we were going to counseling. We are back in the home together now because he wouldn’t leave and it was too hard on the kids being farther away from their friends and school. We needed to come home and the counselor thought we could work it out all together, still coming to counseling and all. And that was during a calm phase for sure. Now when he acts up and I tell him that perhaps it’s his turn to leave, this isn’t working, he throws the threat at me of having to get a FTjob with benefits. I keep asking God for the courage to do what I need to do. I am so scared that I will end up on welfare. I struggle also because he has not hit me that it’s not that bad. Sometimes I wish he would so I could call the police. I also start to wonder how many couples really do live unhappily behind closed doors and can I put up with it until my daughter goes to school? My older kids are well aware of how Dad goes back n forth of being so nice and the blowing up with no remorse. I talk to both of them about this is not how you let a man treat you (to my daughter) and to my son about this is not the way you treat a women. They both seem soft and they understand. Do you have any advice or recommendations for me? He still goes weekly alone and we go together.
Thanks
Kathy
Hello, Kathy. I’m glad that you found the website and am very sorry to read some of your story and know where you are today.
There are a lot of things I would like to tell you, but I will try to be brief. Some of what I feel I need to share may not be easy for you to receive.
Let me assure you that I have been where you are. It is excruciating and emotionally exhausting. I know that. If you haven’t read some of my other articles, I hope you will peruse them or let me know what you are looking for and I will try to direct you…
Based on what you shared, I don’t see your husband changing. His priority is himself. You left because he wouldn’t leave – even if it meant hardship on you and his children. That’s because his sense of power and control are of utmost importance to him – to show you that you don’t matter, and he intends to have his way. He is the most important person in the household. Period.
In my experience, couples counseling with an abuser doesn’t work. Abusers know how to play the game; they go simply as a compliance measure and can be very good at securing the counselor as an ally. He has no real intention of changing. It is just an exercise he must go through to document that he is “trying.”
Just because he doesn’t hit you doesn’t mean it’s not abuse. Threats, blame, shame, name-calling, perfectionism, double standards, neglect, financial control and abuse, raging…a home defined by fear and confusion… those are all signs of an abusive household. The occasional niceness is only to create confusion, dangling the remote possibility that love is just around the corner – something that he will never allow you to have. It’s a game.
As far as your particular situation, your children may “understand” what is going on, but that doesn’t make it right, and I cannot endorse your temptation to believe that should try to manage the abuse, which you can’t. Your children are still subject to and exposed to the abuse. It is toxic and undeniably harmful. You cannot protect them from it while you remain in the home. I would encourage you to seek legal counsel. I am confident that, should you separate, you would be entitled to a measure of financial support from him. You should also share your situation with people who might be able to help you get on your feet, whether it’s a place to stay, child care, rides to school, etc. Look for options, be creative. Ask for help. If you can get out, you should – with all of your children. Also document things he says and does that represent abuse. If the day comes that you need to get a restraining order, you should be able to cite specific incidents.
Kathy, I will tell you that the greatest burden I carry is the guilt of knowing what I allowed my children to be exposed to for all those years. It haunts me still, and my children carry deep emotional wounds of various degrees and intensities from which they are all still healing more than a decade later. So, I would urge you not to put it off or believe that you can somehow shield your kids from it. The house is probably thick with the undercurrent of stress that he creates, that gives him power. The only way to truly protect them is to get them (and yourself) out of it.
I pray that you will be able to see your situation with new eyes, that you will begin doing the work, learning about the dynamic, developing a plan, and asking for help.
Feel free to write me – if not on the forum, then on my private e-mail. I also hope you will keep in touch and let me know how you are doing and how I might be able to direct you.
I am glad you took the time to write and wish you well.
Cindy