Category Archives: confusion

The Emotional Affair

During the 20 years I remained in my abusive marriage I was never unfaithful to my husband.  At least not sexually.  But emotionally?  Well, that’s something else altogether.

It was not long into my marriage that I began to feel painfully unseen, unloved and inadequate as a wife.  I worked full-time and dreaded going home to our apartment where I lived in a constant state of uncertainty and fear.  I strived to be perfect, but it was never enough.  Oh, my then-husband and I had some good times together as long as I did everything he wanted to do when he wanted to do it and I didn’t inconvenience him in any way.  My occasional petitions for a measure of forbearance or favor were met with unmasked hostility.

I trusted that over time my husband would come to appreciate me, and our marriage would be much more pleasant and fulfilling.  But that didn’t happen.

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He Really Believes…

In my conversations with abuse victims, the above phrase is something I can typically expect to hear.

It begins with “He* really believes…” and ends with:

…his way is the right way.

…I’m the one with the problem.

…I don’t understand him.

…I should just trust him.

…he is justified in treating me the way he does.

…I’m a lousy wife.

Does he really believe those things?  If he does, then to my way of thinking, there are only two options.  Either: 1) he is painfully delusional, or 2) he is doing everything in his power to convince you that he believes those things of you.

Why would he do that?

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Life on the Other Side:  “The Best Christmas Ever”

Journal Entry March 11, 2003

I now look at life differently.  My children are more precious to me than ever.  I love to hear them laugh and to daily tell them I love them and kiss them good-night.  Colors seem more vivid.  The breeze on my skin is fresh and invigorating.  I find myself smiling for no good or apparent reason.  It is as though I have peeled off my old life, and a brand new one is emerging.  At 43, can life really begin again?  If so, I pray that I am living proof of it. Continue reading Life on the Other Side:  “The Best Christmas Ever”

Is He Throwing Mud at the Wall?

“The words of a wise man’s mouth are gracious; but the lips of a fool will swallow up himself.  The beginning of the words of his mouth is foolishness; and the end of his talk is mischievous madness.”  Ecclesiastes 10:12-13

King Solomon describes those who are swallowed up by their own folly, their own words betraying their “mischievous madness.”  Perhaps you have witnessed what he so eloquently described.

It happens when your priorities finally shift, when holding your unhappy relationship together is replaced by a deepening determination to break free.  But your abuser will realize he’s* losing his grip, and thus begins the next chapter in this ridiculous saga…

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The Dreaded “D” Word

In my conversations with abuse victims, as I listen to them while they peel away layer after layer of marital heartbreak, there may come a point when I find myself engaged in an internal wrestling match, when I am thoroughly convinced that I need to use the dreaded “D” word, but I wonder:  Is it okay for me to say it?

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