Category Archives: hostility

Identifying Financial Abusers and Their Tactics

Early in our marriage, my husband and I worked cooperatively on budgeting and saving.  We came to an understanding that neither of us would make any major purchases until we discussed them and agreed upon them.  But as the years passed, something shifted – and not in a good way.

When balancing our checkbook virtually every month, I would discover significant cash withdrawals that my husband had made, but with nothing material to show for them.  When asked where the money was going, he would reply, “Good things.  All good things.”

On many evenings, as I paid the bills and tried to budget the little that remained, I had to will myself not to cry.  My husband would walk by me sitting there, pat me on the shoulder and say patronizingly, “You’ll figure it out.” And, yes, I always found a way to make ends meet, but barely.  I suppose he knew I would, which only substantiated his increasingly spend-aholic ways. 

Then there were the times later in our marriage when I found large sums of money stashed away in a drawer or the linen closet. When confronted, he would say that that was his money, perhaps from a bonus he said he had received at work.  Not only did I not believe him, but it didn’t matter to me where the money came from when our household had legitimate needs.  I reminded him that he had a wife and children who should be a priority, but he usually dismissed me and affirmed that he had more important things in mind – like buying a new shotgun or saving for a new set of conga drums.  Month after month money continued to mysteriously disappear from our bank account. 

After the divorce, it became apparent that at least a portion of those funds had been spent at local strip clubs.  But even that couldn’t account for one-tenth of the financial – and emotional – damage the man had done to me and our children. 

Recognizing that the abuser’s desire for power and control are at the core of the abusive relationship, it should come as no surprise that finances will likely be impacted as well.  Continue reading Identifying Financial Abusers and Their Tactics

Say the Words

“Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being, and in the hidden part You will
make me know wisdom.”
Psalm 51:6

When my children were young, upon asking them to take a bath or clean their rooms or do their homework, there were those occasions when they would look at me with mischief in their eyes, and I knew in that moment that they were considering testing my patience.  I would just gaze at them and wait for a moment.  Then, before they could protest I would say, “I just need to hear two words.”  Almost without fail, a few moments of tempered silence would pass, and then they would quietly say the words I wanted to hear.

“Okay, Mom.”

There was something about just saying those two simple words that softened their will and almost miraculously set their feet in motion to accommodate my request.

Ah, the power of words.

Continue reading Say the Words

The Power of Words

“Now the serpent was more crafty than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made.”  Genesis 3:1aserpent

The word “crafty” used in Genesis 3 describes the serpent that came to the garden.  The word has also been interpreted to read “subtle,” “clever,” “cunning” or “shrewd.”  The description clearly implies that this particular being’s intellect alone posed some kind of a threat. Continue reading The Power of Words

The See-No-Evil Disconnect: Abandoning Victims to Protect the Status Quo

“He who justifies the wicked and he who condemns the righteous, both of them alike are an abomination to the Lord.”  Proverbs 17:15

see no evil

It happens all the time.  A victim of abuse finds the courage to step out of the shadows of her shame and fear to reveal the truth about what has happened to her.  The trauma she has endured may be a result of molestation or rape, physical abuse, and/or verbal or emotional abuse.  She wants to believe that, once she shares her terrible secret, the people to whom she reaches out will hear her, validate her and comfort her.  But as horrible and shocking as it may seem, she may not receive what she needs.  For reasons that defy logic, many may rise to defend her perpetrator, and she may instead find herself shamed and shunned and even persecuted.  Such is the absurdity of the See-No-Evil Disconnect.     Continue reading The See-No-Evil Disconnect: Abandoning Victims to Protect the Status Quo

Passive and Controlling Abuse

If you put together a list of all the primary strategies that abusers woman behind barsuse to keep their victims living a life of emotional paralysis, 99% of them would probably apply to the man to whom I was married for 20 years.  But as I read and hear other women’s stories, other more subtle patterns emerge, and among them is a practice I have struggled to identify even in my own history, a bizarre combination of passive and controlling abuse. Continue reading Passive and Controlling Abuse