Category Archives: unsafe home

The Emotional Affair

During the 20 years I remained in my abusive marriage I was never unfaithful to my husband.  At least not sexually.  But emotionally?  Well, that’s something else altogether.

It was not long into my marriage that I began to feel painfully unseen, unloved and inadequate as a wife.  I worked full-time and dreaded going home to our apartment where I lived in a constant state of uncertainty and fear.  I strived to be perfect, but it was never enough.  Oh, my then-husband and I had some good times together as long as I did everything he wanted to do when he wanted to do it and I didn’t inconvenience him in any way.  My occasional petitions for a measure of forbearance or favor were met with unmasked hostility.

I trusted that over time my husband would come to appreciate me, and our marriage would be much more pleasant and fulfilling.  But that didn’t happen.

Continue reading The Emotional Affair

My New Book on Christian Marriage Counseling Is Now Available!


“Reformulating the Christian Marriage Counseling Model Where Abuse Is Involved”
is now available on Amazon as a paperback and a Kindle e-book.
 
This book is a culmination of my experiences in the counseling environment coupled with the 12 years I have spent ministering to victims of abuse. I have heard countless stories from many who have been shamed, blamed, and ostracized by their Christian counselors, pastors, family members and believing friends for leaving their abusers or divorcing them.
 
But why?
 
It is painfully apparent that the common Christian marriage counseling model begins with a lack of biblical understanding when it comes to God’s heart for marriage, as well as His directives to identify genuinely wicked people in our midst and protect the innocent.
 
The book reveals how the entrenched belief that “God hates divorce” has resulted in a process that elevates the design to “save the marriage” above the safety of those being harmed.  I will reveal the true meaning of this Scripture – and others.  Sadly, as a result of this and other related teachings, quite often legalism reigns, compassion fails and the abuse continues. 

“Reformulating the Christian Marriage Counseling Model Where Abuse Is Involved”
takes in in-depth look at the common counseling model, identifies why the model fails when abuse has permeated the relationship, and presents a new model that utilizes processes and supports outcomes based on the truth that marriage is sacred, not merely in status, but in substance.
 
“Faced with the abuser’s lies and half-truths [in the counseling environment], a victim will almost always struggle to present her case – a case she would not feel pressured to make if she was removed from her abuser’s presence from the outset and placed in a safe environment where she is free to reveal anything and everything without fear.
 

“In a couples counseling setting, the victim will likely receive little, if any, actual counsel and emotional support that ministers to her.  The ultimate objective of “saving the marriage” coupled with the goal of “helping” the abuser essentially leaves her on the sidelines. 

“Her traumatic experiences and the wounds she carries as a result seem to be less of a concern.  She feels compelled to remain in a relationship with someone she has no reason to trust laden with an obligation to be patient and prayerful, believing that restoration must surely lie somewhere in the distance.  By default, what she wants or needs may well be deemed essentially irrelevant.

“This is wrong.”

The book will provide victims with insight as to what to look for in a counselor and the counseling process.  Similarly, the book will benefit pastors, lay counselors, licensed counselors, and church leaders as well as Christian college and seminary faculty and instructors who are willing to look at the common Christian marriage counseling model and consider why it may fail and how it should be reformulated where abuse is involved.
 
Tim Yarbrough, President of Greengate Enterprises wrote:
 
“I have received and read through your latest book.  What an incredible and much-needed analysis of the present model.  As I shared with our circle of counselors and advocates here:  “This book is not a challenge to the present model of counseling involving abuse – it is a much-needed frontal assault.”  This will be required reading for all of those entering our local training.  Thank you.”
 
The book is $14.95 as a paperback and $4.99 as an e-book.  You can find it here.
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Is He Throwing Mud at the Wall?

“The words of a wise man’s mouth are gracious; but the lips of a fool will swallow up himself.  The beginning of the words of his mouth is foolishness; and the end of his talk is mischievous madness.”  Ecclesiastes 10:12-13

King Solomon describes those who are swallowed up by their own folly, their own words betraying their “mischievous madness.”  Perhaps you have witnessed what he so eloquently described.

It happens when your priorities finally shift, when holding your unhappy relationship together is replaced by a deepening determination to break free.  But your abuser will realize he’s* losing his grip, and thus begins the next chapter in this ridiculous saga…

Continue reading Is He Throwing Mud at the Wall?

The Dreaded “D” Word

In my conversations with abuse victims, as I listen to them while they peel away layer after layer of marital heartbreak, there may come a point when I find myself engaged in an internal wrestling match, when I am thoroughly convinced that I need to use the dreaded “D” word, but I wonder:  Is it okay for me to say it?

Continue reading The Dreaded “D” Word

“I’ve Changed”

“I’ve changed.”

Such are the easy words of an abuser.

It may feel good to hear them, and you want to believe them.  But what, if anything, has changed, and why?

Did your abuser confess the many, specific ways he* failed?  Did he admit to being a selfish, vindictive, manipulative micro-manager?  Did he concede that he wronged you in a thousand ways and humbly confess that he is horrified and grieved by the way he treated you and the cruel things he said to make you feel worthless?  Did he offer to separate to allow you room to grieve and heal while he works on the issues that he needs to address?

Or did he speak in vague generalities, rationalize his history, expect you to trust him and be patient with him on those occasions when he inadvertently fails again?  After all, you can’t expect perfection…

“I’ve changed” means he is not the person he was before.  There is no such thing as changing without changing.

Since time reveals truth, it probably won’t be long before you know whether he has actually changed – or not.  If he hasn’t, you are still living with an abuser, he is still abusing you, and it’s still wrong.

Words matter.  Or they should.

(*Although abusers can be of either gender, the overwhelming majority of abusers are male, therefore the abuser is referenced in the masculine.  The reader’s understanding is appreciated.)

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Cindy Burrell/Hurtbylove.com