“I am the black sheep in the family.” 
How often have you heard those words? Perhaps you have spoken them. Perhaps you have been saddled with an identity you did not seek, an identity that does not reflect who you really are.
Perhaps you know what it feels like to be the outcast, a misfit, a thorn in the side of those whose norms and expectations strangely – and even irrationally – clash with your own. It is an extremely painful yet common reality for many. Continue reading The Black Sheep
“Transgression speaks to the ungodly within his heart; there is no fear of God before his eyes.”
Psalm 36:1
Every family has its own unique culture, a structure, and a flavor woven through it that begins with the parental relationship and filters down to the children. Each family culture is defined by priorities, interpersonal relationships, and the power pyramid, which incorporates authority, family rules, boundaries and expectations.
Entire books have been written on this subject, so let’s summarize this dynamic by acknowledging that priorities may include a balance of personal responsibilities and social activities, as well as household expectations that incorporate chores, obligations and cooperation. Some family cultures are obviously healthier than others, and some are downright destructive. In this regard, I have come to believe that abusive households are not merely a less healthy family culture but more akin to a family cult.
To get a better glimpse of the home-based cult dynamic, let’s take a look at some basic descriptors that define a cult and compare it to the structure of an abusive home.
All-knowing leadership. The leader claims to be sent by God to rule and make all decisions. What he thinks and believes is law.
No room for differences. Members must believe exactly the same way and in exactly the same things; there is no room for negotiation or disagreeing with the leader’s rules or doctrines or doing anything outside of the set limitations.
Scriptures get an added twist. Bible verses are often taken out of context or twisted to mean whatever accommodates the leader’s agenda.
All others are wrong. The cult leader asserts that God has given him the role of pointing out “heretical and evil” attitudes and behavior that don’t fall in line with his viewpoint. Furthermore, followers are expected to defend the family structure no matter how rigid, cold, impersonal or impractical it may be.
Works prove faith. The leader often claims his efforts are superior to those performed by everyone else. For this reason, all members of the family must demonstrate absolute abeyance, a commitment to perfectionism, devotion, the preservation of image, and an expectation that all family secrets will be kept.
The high standard applied to family members does not apply to the leader. The leader is exempt from the expectations he imposes on others. Calling attention to the leader’s hypocrisy may result in painful retribution.
Safety is a big unknown. The leader bases his measure of approval of family members on performance and accommodation. Members operate under the constant fear of criticism, judgment and punishment.
No exit. Leaving is not an option. Intimidation and the ever-present threat of physical, emotional, social or even financial pain are used to deter members from escaping. Those who dare to question or leave the overly controlling environment will be condemned as traitors and treated as such.[i]
Although what is described above is consistent with a cult structure, it is also verifiably consistent with the kind of dynamic found in abusive households.
Family members suffering under abusive, dictatorial rule are often deprived of power, permission or resources; therefore, the intent to break free of the family cult comes with a substantial measure of fear and intimidation. Escaping requires:
Those leaving a religious cult will almost certainly be welcomed, embraced and protected by many churches from the cult leader’s influence and his design to reclaim his victim(s), while providing victims with the opportunity to detox, enjoy restoration, and come to a full knowledge of the truth. Unfortunately, when those wishing to flee a destructive, cult-like, abusive family seek out people of faith for support (pastors, Christian counselors and fellow believers), those who might be inclined to aid victims leaving a religious cult may be the very ones who try to prevent victims who are desperate to escape a home-based one.
Christian leaders and counselors should be guardians of truth – and therefore equipped to identify untruth. Sadly, many religious folks tend to rationalize that these small but toxic sects are somehow benign or even valid when it comes to the family cult leaders’ hyper-controlling brand of authority.
Rather than identify the painful reality and support victims in their pursuit of freedom, home-bound cult victims may be encouraged to remain in the abusive environment. We might expect hurting family members to be told that, rather than escaping, they should view their role as some kind of divine calling to be ever more respectful, obedient, encouraging and forgiving toward their leader. In these situations, the powers that me may insist that demonstrating love is more important than rejecting the cult leader’s false teachings and sacraments, his demands for unquestioned loyalty and the fearsome power structure he uses to hold them captive. Only because the man is a husband or a father does he somehow escape scrutiny. This reality is absolutely bizarre, backward and overtly harmful.
It would seem obvious that family members who have lost their identity, their value and their voice to a home-based power-monger-cult-leader could expect to receive support in their pursuit of freedom from those in the body of Christ. If only that was the case.
Thankfully, there are some who “get it,” the passionate few who possess the knowledge, experience and history to be able to identify the dysfunction and the emotional trauma caused by family-based cults. It is these who are willing and able to educate and empower victims, to give the hurting the support and tools they need to escape and reclaim their lives. Of course, I am happy to help, but I would also like to share links to a few other exceptional ministries in this regard:
Speaking Truth in Love Ministries
When you see this cult-like dynamic or anything similar, take the time to encourage potential victims in their quest to get the support they need so they can break free and begin to live healthy, balanced, abuse-free lives.
[i] Don Veinot, “Defining a Cult,” Christianity Today, July/August 2001, accessed internet 6/9/2017; http://www.christianitytoday.com/iyf/2001/julaug/definition-of-cult.html
(Although abusers can be of either gender, the overwhelming majority of abusers are male; therefore, the abuser is referenced in the masculine. The reader’s understanding is appreciated.)
Copyright 2017
“Transgression speaks to the ungodly within his heart; there is no fear of God before his eyes. For it flatters him in his own eyes concerning the discovery of his iniquity and the hatred of it. The words of his mouth are wickedness and deceit; He has ceased to be wise and to do good. He plans wickedness upon his bed; He sets himself on a path that is not good; He does not despise evil.” Psalm 36:1-4
During a conversation with a young woman outside a local church, she began to timidly open up about how terrified she was to go home. Try as she might, she simply could not hold herself together. She began to tremble, the tears began to flow, and her voice broke as she shared that she was praying for clarity with regard to her relationship with her admittedly abusive husband. I listened intently and then said as gently as I could, “I think those tears are providing you with all the clarity you need.” And as the truth slowly began to sink in, she wiped her eyes and nodded in solemn agreement.
I have no idea how long she had been carrying that heavy burden, but I found it tragically ironic when I discovered that she was employed at that church. I had to wonder how many people in her circle had been aware of her torment and whether those same people told her all the things she “just” needed to do to minister to her wayward husband and save their marriage.
Continue reading Reject the Counsel of the Doubters, for the Wicked Still Live Among Us
His mouth is full of curses and deceit and oppression; under his tongue is mischief and wickedness.
Proverbs 10:7
Just because an abuser is not raging does not mean he is suddenly safe or honest or genuine. An abuser’s words cannot be trusted. He is an artful deceiver and, in many cases, an out-and-out liar. Words are simply a tool that can be fashioned to support his desired reality.
Of course, a healthy relationship should be grounded in truth, honesty and mutual concern, but the abuser does not share these values. His primary concern is his own welfare, and where honesty should reign, he will not hesitate to construct and reconstruct a psychological house of mirrors that his victim must slog her way through, her objective being to somehow find some hard truth to hold onto amid the confusion. The typical abuser seems quite adept at avoidance, deflection, deception, redirection, feigning ignorance, shifting blame or simply lying when the need arises.
In one such scenario, he might arrive home with an outlandishly expensive tool or toy that is either unnecessary or unaffordable (probably not the first time), but it’s something he wants. Shocked by his spontaneous purchase, you may broach the issue by saying, “I thought we agreed we would not make any big purchases without discussing them.” Continue reading Liar, Liar
Journal Entry:
March 11, 2003
I now look at life differently. My children are more precious to me than ever. I love to hear them laugh and to daily tell them I love them and kiss them good-night. Colors seem more vivid. The breeze on my skin is fresh and invigorating. I find myself smiling for no good or apparent reason. It is as though I have peeled off my old life, and a brand new one is emerging. At 43, can life really begin again? If so, I pray that I am living proof of it.
My emotions are all so intense — whether joy or sadness, peace or turmoil. Everything I am feeling seems to have been impassioned by some unseen force. What is going on? What has happened to me? Is this a natural phenomenon that all people experience when they have gone through a tragic divorce, or a short-term phase in life which leads only back to mediocrity? God forbid. Is it because my depression and fear had held me in bondage for so long that now I am finally experiencing the true range of emotions which were trapped beneath the surface? That is exactly how it feels. And, I fear the possibility of going back into that dreadful prison. Even feeling the pain in its fullness far surpasses the numbness which came from locking it inside, running from it, believing I could somehow override it.
So, this is what life is like. What angels long to peer into. I’ll take it.