Tag Archives: Psychological abuse

He Really Believes…

In my conversations with abuse victims, the above phrase is something I can typically expect to hear.

It begins with “He* really believes…” and ends with:

…his way is the right way.

…I’m the one with the problem.

…I don’t understand him.

…I should just trust him.

…he is justified in treating me the way he does.

…I’m a lousy wife.

Does he really believe those things?  If he does, then to my way of thinking, there are only two options.  Either: 1) he is painfully delusional, or 2) he is doing everything in his power to convince you that he believes those things of you.

Why would he do that?

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Is He Throwing Mud at the Wall?

“The words of a wise man’s mouth are gracious; but the lips of a fool will swallow up himself.  The beginning of the words of his mouth is foolishness; and the end of his talk is mischievous madness.”  Ecclesiastes 10:12-13

King Solomon describes those who are swallowed up by their own folly, their own words betraying their “mischievous madness.”  Perhaps you have witnessed what he so eloquently described.

It happens when your priorities finally shift, when holding your unhappy relationship together is replaced by a deepening determination to break free.  But your abuser will realize he’s* losing his grip, and thus begins the next chapter in this ridiculous saga…

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“I’ve Changed”

“I’ve changed.”

Such are the easy words of an abuser.

It may feel good to hear them, and you want to believe them.  But what, if anything, has changed, and why?

Did your abuser confess the many, specific ways he* failed?  Did he admit to being a selfish, vindictive, manipulative micro-manager?  Did he concede that he wronged you in a thousand ways and humbly confess that he is horrified and grieved by the way he treated you and the cruel things he said to make you feel worthless?  Did he offer to separate to allow you room to grieve and heal while he works on the issues that he needs to address?

Or did he speak in vague generalities, rationalize his history, expect you to trust him and be patient with him on those occasions when he inadvertently fails again?  After all, you can’t expect perfection…

“I’ve changed” means he is not the person he was before.  There is no such thing as changing without changing.

Since time reveals truth, it probably won’t be long before you know whether he has actually changed – or not.  If he hasn’t, you are still living with an abuser, he is still abusing you, and it’s still wrong.

Words matter.  Or they should.

(*Although abusers can be of either gender, the overwhelming majority of abusers are male, therefore the abuser is referenced in the masculine.  The reader’s understanding is appreciated.)

Copyright 2020, All Rights Reserved

Cindy Burrell/Hurtbylove.com

Selfish Giving

I was meeting up with my then-estranged husband at a local book store to transfer our son, Kyle, into his care so the two of them could spend the day together.  Meandering through the aisles while awaiting his arrival, the man suddenly approached me with a basket of chocolate-covered strawberries in one hand and a big smile on his face. 

Rather than feeling touched in any way, I felt kind of sick, but not knowing how to respond in the moment, I simply accepted the berries with gratitude.  The man then tried to enter into small talk with me and ended by asking me if I would like to go out for lunch or coffee sometime.  “No,” came the easy response, in spite of the gift I held in my hands and the fact that our son was observing the entire exchange.  After a couple more awkward minutes, the man and our eldest son finally headed out the door.

That evening, my then-husband called again and tried to talk me into spending time with him.  Not a chance.  After calmly shutting him down from every angle, I closed with, “But thank you for the strawberries.” 

“Whatever,” came his sarcastic reply, and immediately I thought to myself, “There it is.”  I knew those blasted berries came with strings attached – some kind of obligation that I refused to accommodate.  His plan had failed.

Since those days, I have heard and read similar stories and have known that this type of scenario represents a typical abuser strategy, but I didn’t know it had a name:  Selfish giving.*

Selfish giving has the appearance of selflessness, generosity or genuine care, but when you’re in an abusive relationship, it is almost exclusively another form of self-serving manipulation.  Selfish giving imposes an awkward pressure on the abuser’s victim to convey appreciation and – he hopes – an obligation to forgive any and all previous offenses and re-establish some degree of intimacy based on the perception of good will.

Selfish giving is simply another form of crazy-making designed to force you to let your guard down.  Any failure to respond according to the abuser’s anticipated expectations gives him ammunition to paint you as selfish, unfeeling and ungrateful.

Unfortunately, gifts are the abuser’s cheap, easy substitute for legitimate repentance and change.  But note…

  • A truly changed man is willing to identify and apologize for specific things he has done to hurt you;
  • A truly changed man recognizes that he alone is responsible for the changes he needs to make in his life;
  • A truly changed man will respect your boundaries and your need for time and distance to heal; and
  • A truly changed man is willing to acknowledge that his abusive history may have harmed the relationship beyond repair.

On the other hand, the unrepentant abuser believes a heart-warming gift will give the impression of genuine devotion and inspire renewed trust.  The abuser’s motives do not reflect genuine goodness but rather pure, unadulterated selfishness.

So know that you don’t have to participate in his game.

I know it may feel strange to refuse his gifts, offers of help or other seemingly selfless gestures, but when you do, you are refusing to give him access to your life or your heart and depriving him of the power he seeks.  You are setting an important boundary and letting him know that you will not risk jeopardizing your safety, peace and contentment for anyone – or anything.

“Thorns and snares are in the way of the crooked; whoever guards his soul will keep far from them.” Proverbs 22:5

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For more on this subject, you might want to check out “Lessons In Crazy-Making.

*The dynamic was referenced by a commenter on another blog.

Abusers may be of either gender; however, the overwhelming majority of abusers are male.  For the sake of simplicity, the abuser is referenced here in the masculine.  The reader’s understanding is appreciated.

Cindy Burrell/Hurtbylove.com

Copyright 2019, All Rights Reserved

The Heart Murderer

Jesus said, “You have heard that the ancients were told, ‘You shall not commit murder’ and ‘Whoever commits murder shall be liable to the court.’ I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be guilty before the court; and whoever says to his brother, “Raca” shall be guilty before the supreme court; and whoever says, ‘You fool,’ shall be guilty enough to go into the fiery hell…”  Matthew 5:21-22

The entire fifth chapter of Matthew records a timeless discourse given by Jesus before a great crowd who had gathered on a hillside.  There, our Lord spent time assuring the wounded and the unseen that God saw their hearts in the midst of all they were going through and that their faithfulness would one day be rewarded.  Jesus then took time to contrast mere image with substance, outward appearances with the condition of the heart.  He made it powerfully apparent that, although we may content ourselves with what is seen outwardly, God sees it all, including the motives and intentions of our hearts.

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