Predator or Prey?
“…be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might.”
Ephesians 6:10
When living in an abusive household, there is no truly safe place, no easy answers, and no best response to a given situation, because the world revolves around the abuser’s* wants and needs, which are ever-changing. This kind of unstable environment has profound impacts on wives – the abuser’s primary victims – and children.
“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.” – Laurell K. Hamilton
One afternoon many years ago, before I had children, I was gardening in the front yard of our little house when I saw a woman emerge from her home a few doors down. Clearly in a rage, she walked briskly to the street where her car was parked as a boy of about 8 years old ran close behind. The boy was clearly crying and called out to her as she got into her car and slammed the car door.
“Where are you going, Mom?” he said, clearly distraught.
She didn’t respond or even turn to acknowledge him but put the key into the ignition and turned it.
“Where are you going? Please don’t go!” he fairly yelled, even as he called out to her. “Where are you going, Mom? When are you coming back?”
She ignored him and drove away, her young son standing barefoot alone in the street weeping as the car pulled away. He then ran into the house, crushed by his mother’s response to him. It was a heart-wrenching incident to witness.
Whatever happened after that, I’m not sure that anything or anyone could ever completely erase that child’s terrible memory of his mother’s decision to drive away without any acknowledgement of his terror. That morning, she sent him a message that had the potential to color that child’s life. In that singular moment, without using any words, the woman told her son that he didn’t matter.
The truth is that every day, through our words and actions, we send messages to those around us. And if I may be so bold, I think that the messages we send to those with whom we come into contact may be narrowed down to two. Either “You matter” or “You don’t matter.”
Of course we may have contact with many people during a given day, and some interactions are simply in passing or of a benign nature – neither overtly favorable nor unfavorable, yet even in casual interactions, our words and body language hold the power to convey what we all need to know – we matter. But even in the presence of our local bank teller, the server at our favorite restaurant or the cashier at the grocery store, just acknowledging those around us, looking them in the eye, and offering them a smile and a ‘thank you’ tells real people with real lives and real wounds and needs that they matter. I don’t know of a greater gift we can give to people that literally costs us nothing.
Even more so, within our intimate circle of friends, co-workers and particularly our family members, the messages we send and receive can have a powerful impact. Having recovered (mostly) from my 20 years of living with an abuser, I realize now that my former husband’s almost exclusive message to me was: “You don’t matter” or perhaps even more hurtful: “I matter, and you don’t.”
The only thing that really mattered was him – what he wanted, when and how he wanted it. Anything else was an issue, a problem, an inconvenience. Anything less than perfection (from me) was cause for criticism, condemnation and/or correction. Even when everything seemed outwardly acceptable, he could find an excuse to be discontent. He made sure I knew that, at the end of the day, I really didn’t matter, for nothing I did or said would ever be sufficient. The smallest measure of love and acceptance I sought was consciously – and cruelly – withheld. There were times when he was happy – when he got whatever it was he wanted, but even in those brief moments of peace, I know now it didn’t matter to him one way or another whether I was happy or not.
“You don’t matter.”
All abuse victims know the feeling. Yet in the midst of our unhealthy relationships, we believe we can convince our abuser that we matter. It is what we live for. We become almost exclusively preoccupied with finding a way to prove ourselves, to earn value and acceptance in his* eyes. Most of what we do is heavy-laden with the hope that perhaps tomorrow, through his words and his actions, the doubt will be erased. He will finally convey once and for all time the message we desperately long to receive from him: “You matter. You are special. You are wonderful. You are worthy of the deepest love and respect and care.”
But in my case, as in the case of so many others, tomorrow didn’t come.
So the question is, “What are the messages he is sending you?”
When he is unpredictable, manipulative, sarcastic, hostile, angry, selfish and cruel, then he is sending you a message. “I am dissatisfied with you. You are failing to make me happy, so you are not allowed to be happy.”
When he controls the finances and decides that he needs a new truck when you and your children are in dire need of basic necessities, he is saying, “What I want is more important than what you need.”
When he refuses to lift a finger to help with any of the household responsibilities or complains when things aren’t done to his standard, he is saying, “You need to do more, while I am free to do whatever I want – or nothing at all.”
When he trumps the plans you have made to suit his own, or he simply doesn’t want you to have time to yourself, he is telling you he alone decides whether or when you may go anywhere or do anything. Your plans and needs for relationship and social interaction mean nothing, while his plans are not even subject to debate.
When he decides to move your family away from your friends and other sources of emotional support, and he doesn’t even invite your perspective before making the decision, he is telling you that he doesn’t care how you (or your kids) are affected by his decisions.
When, even knowing how physically exhausted you are, he wakens you in the middle of the night or early in the morning and insists that you be sexually responsive to him, he is reminding you that his sexual needs matter more than your need for rest.
When he criticizes you, curses at you, calls you names, yells at you for the slightest thing or tells you that you are lucky he puts up with you, his design is to convince you that you are inadequate, that there is something wrong with you, that you don’t matter.
But you do matter, although your abuser wants to make sure you don’t figure that out. If he is conveying these messages to you, then know he is deliberately trying to keep you down, convince you that you are unworthy of love, and make you feel obligated to try ever harder. Know that he is neither innocent nor ignorant, but rather he knows exactly what he is doing. He is simply a liar, a tyrant, a control freak, a manipulator and a bully.
He is an abuser.
And if your abuser is anything like mine, he will occasionally toss out, “You know that I love you…” Those few words are specifically designed to disarm you, to dare you to believe the words rather than the overwhelming measure of evidence to the contrary.
If the messages he is sending you fail to convey not only that you matter but how much you matter in real and practical terms, then you must claim that truth for yourself.
Looking back on my own history, I can see the emotional trauma my former husband inflicted on my heart through his words, attitudes, behaviors and even simple body language – a glare, a shake of the head, a slamming of the door. For so many years, I felt much like that barefoot little boy standing in the street, wondering if the person who mattered most in my life would one day assure me of my love-worthiness, show me that I mattered.
So do yourself a favor and take a step back. Watch and listen and analyze what his words and actions are saying.
If his messages to you are that you don’t matter, then (in my humble opinion) you may presume that you are living with an abuser.
Someone who loves you will make you a priority, invest in your life, ask for your perspective, do whatever he can to ensure that your needs and desires are met, accept you as you are, and prize you and make you feel special. Someone who loves you will demonstrate in a thousand different ways you are absolutely worthy of love – that you matter.
Because you do. 
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*Although abusers may be of either gender, abusers are predominantly male; therefore the abuser is referenced here in the masculine. The reader’s understanding is appreciated.
Coyright 2018, All Rights Reserved
1. You are absolutely special and worthy of love.
(So he needs to keep you feeling insecure – groveling for love and acceptance.)
2. You are more than adequate.
(So he works to keep you doubting all you have to offer.)
3. You are not crazy.
(But he wants you to doubt your instincts and your reality.)
4. You are not stupid.
(But he wants you to feel powerless and dependent upon him.)
5. You are not overly sensitive.
(But he wants you to ignore your pain and pretend you’re fine no matter how he treats you.)
6. You didn’t provoke him.
(But he will work to convince you that his abuse is your fault.)
7. He knows what he is doing.
(His actions are not incidental, but intentional and designed to cause pain.)
8. He has no desire to change.
(He has shown you that the person you thought he was is not who he really is.)
9. You matter.
(But his actions and attitudes tell you that he matters, and you don’t.)
10. You don’t have to live this way.
(But he will do everything he possibly can to keep you caught up in his web of deceit.)
– Cindy Burrell, Hurtbylove.com, ©2018
(Although people of both genders can be abusive, the overwhelming majority of abusers are male and therefore the abuser is referenced in the masculine. The reader’s understanding is appreciated.)
“He who walks with wise men will be wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.” Proverbs 13:20
In some how-to-survive-abuse circles, one popular strategy suggested for dealing with an abuser is detachment. The basic premise is that the enabler-victim can train herself to become unresponsive to the abuser’s tirades and criticisms while stunting her emotions so that she is unaffected by his attacks. The objective is to find a way to remain in her toxic relationship without being harmed. In encounters with the abuser, the victim mentally acknowledges that he is being irrational or hurtful, yet detachment asserts that the victim doesn’t have to allow the abuser’s poison to bore into any part of her life where he can hurt her.
Personally, I don’t buy it. Detachment imposes upon its adherents a belief that one can – and must – become robotic and emotionally closed off in a relationship as intimate as marriage. May it never be.
First and foremost, the crux of detachment demands that, in the presence of a threat to her well-being – whether physical or emotional – an abuse victim must willfully disregard the God-given instincts that tell her she is in danger.
Detachment says, “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Is there anyone out there who actually believes that?
Let’s be frank: there is no way to keep shameful, debilitating words from seeping into our spirit, yet detachment says that a victim can find a way to pretend she’s not hurting when she is. It is believed that detaching will somehow make the hurt go away or diminish the impact of events as the victim endeavors to separate the abuses from the offender as she engages in some mind-numbing process. It’s not really him; it’s just words. Look beyond the abuse and choose to see the best in him. But that imaginary person is not who he is. He is who he is, and the truth is that he is an abuser. The priority should be to uncover and expose the truth rather than to artificially construct ways of covering it with a ridiculously generous, disastrous lie.
The mindset that accompanies a victim’s decision to detach goes something like this: I can do this. If I can learn how to not feel what is really happening, then I can survive anything. I can rise above the abuse. This mindset begs a few simple questions:
1) Why should you have to detach from what is true? By training yourself to control your emotions and natural responses to override what is really occurring, such an unnatural self-determination should serve as clear evidence that something in the relationship is seriously wrong.
2) Do you detach because you believe the abuser is destined to change? (This is our typical mindset.) Or are you detaching to prepare to live like this for the rest of your life? Those are the only two options.
3) Do you believe your abuser doesn’t know what he is doing or how his actions are affecting you? If that is the case, then why would he change? Similarly, if you think you can help him see the harm he is causing, and then he will surely change his ways, then why isn’t that working now?
4) Do you believe that putting your walls up and pretending it’s not that bad will somehow make it better than it is? And is that what you really want – to live in a marriage where abuse is ignored and tolerated – where abuse is an integral part of your home life?
Denial about the truth of the condition of the relationship is what keeps victims bound to the insanity to begin with. The put-downs, the sarcasm and manipulation, the name-calling and shaming and cursing – those things are not random or unintentional. In fact, they are cold, calculated and designed to cause pain.
Realize that detaching also sends a message to the abuser that you’re going to remain no matter how he treats you, although he should instead expect to reap what he has sown. Detachment protects him from the natural consequences of his unacceptable behavior. So in reality, detachment is merely another form of enabling behavior that serves to accommodate the continuation of abuse. One woman in detachment mode commented that her husband was not responsible for her happiness. Of course not, but he shouldn’t be responsible for her misery either.
Finally, detachment specifically urges the victim to avoid engaging when her abuser attacks. The target is urged to remain stone-faced and stalwart, appearing unaffected by his words or actions. This may work in those cases where she is prepared to immediately remove herself from the situation while attempting to avoid any escalation. But on the other hand, a no-response from the victim may only incite the abuser to work harder to invoke a response, potentially provoking him to ramp up his aggression or look for weak spots where he can create chaos or cause trauma. So there are times when efforts to detach can be particularly dangerous. Detachment might be a strategy for self-protection in the short-term, but not as a lifestyle.
For a victim of abuse, the bottom line is that detachment agrees to ignore both the seriousness of the problem – and the perpetrator. The truth is that the pain is real, and the abuser’s conscious decision to pour out his venom on his victim is why she is hurting. Similarly, the magnitude of the offenses cannot – and should not – be somehow detached from the one committing them. And while a victim may be tempted to presume that those undeserved, malicious words just randomly or unintentionally happened to escape his lips, she needs to realize that they first took root in his heart.
Abuse is not merely a matter of curbing bad behavior. Abuse is a heart issue. The real work must begin there.
“…the things that proceed out of the mouth come from the heart…” Matthew 15:18
The trouble with detachment is that it tip-toes around the truth. It is far less likely that detachment will protect the victim and far more likely that it will protect the toxic status quo.
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Copyright 2018, All Rights Reserved
Cindy Burrell
Consider the gumball machine; it’s a relational analogy that works.
Practically speaking, it should be understood that in any relationship there is a give-and-take dynamic. It should not be a matter of I’m-gonna-get-what-I’ve-got-coming-to-me sort of attitude, but rather a natural, mutual desire to meet the needs of the one we say we care most about. Both people make investments of goodwill for the sake of the other, and both enjoy the benefits of one another’s gracious contributions.
But what happens when one person consistently, intentionally fails to demonstrate love and care toward the person they claim to love?
In an abusive relationship, the enabler-victim in the relationship is almost always in a perpetual struggle to reach the heart of her* abuser. Although he is cold, emotionally cruel and frighteningly unpredictable, she remains committed, believing that her persistent love will reap its intended outcome – a healthy, mutually respectful, intimate partnership. So day after day, by her practical and emotional investment, she puts a nickel into the proverbial gumball machine hoping to receive a small, reasonable return on her investment, if not today, then perhaps tomorrow – or the next day.
She reminds herself to be patient, learns to go without, and tries to dismiss his cruel words and habitual selfishness and neglect. When he is hurtful, she tries to talk to him about her needs and longings, but rather than hearing her, embracing her and endeavoring to remind her of her worth, he instead insists that she is overly sensitive and needy.
Nevertheless, she continues to look for ways to remind him of her love, does those little extra things that she thinks will make him happy and help him to see how hard she is trying, believing that he will one day reciprocate. Over time, she begins to wonder if or when she will receive the kindly attention and genuine affection she craves. As hard and frustrating as it is, day after day she puts her nickels into the gumball machine and expectantly waits to hear the sweet morsel as it tumbles down the chute and falls into the cradled palm of her hand – concrete evidence of his love for her. But as hungry as she is for the reward, it doesn’t come.
As the months or years pass, she might receive an occasional pat on the back or a sterile kind of “You know I love you” from her abuser’s lips, but those words cannot compensate for the countless coins of care she has invested with so little return. Of course, we don’t love our spouse demanding a reward, but realistically, in a marriage, it is perfectly reasonable to expect one – healthy measures of genuine, spontaneous tenderness, affirmation and encouragement. In a practical sense, our spouse’s presence should be the safest place to be. But in an abusive relationship, the abuser expects his victim to keep investing in him while he offers little but endless criticism and a hostile, demanding presence.
So after so many months or years, why would anyone be surprised when the abuse victim leaves? There is no mutual love there. She has been emotionally bankrupted. She has no nickels left to give.
But what happens when she finally leaves? Typically, her abuser will suddenly chase after her. He will offer a one-size-fits-all apology, tell her, “It will never happen again,” and expect her to unquestioningly return to him. And what kind of fallout might she expect should she refuse to buy in? What if she doubts his sincerity, having no reason to trust his words? What if her instincts are telling her that nothing has really changed? What if she feels certain that she must keep her distance?
In most instances, the abuser will soon become angry, and his weary victim will hear, “I said I’m sorry. You need to get over it and forgive me and come back to me.”
With demanding anticipation, he will exclaim, “How dare you keep me waiting? How dare you turn me away? How dare you be so selfish and unfeeling?”
At this point, the truth is that he has invested nothing, so his victim owes him nothing.
Yet the abuser will almost always have the audacity to whine, moan, groan and complain, saying essentially, “Hey, I put in my nickel. Where’s my gumball?”
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*Although abusers can be of either gender, the overwhelming majority of abusers are male; therefore, the abuser is referenced in the masculine. The reader’s understanding is appreciated.
Copyright 2017, All Rights Reserved