Tag Archives: Relationships

The Emotional Affair

During the 20 years I remained in my abusive marriage I was never unfaithful to my husband.  At least not sexually.  But emotionally?  Well, that’s something else altogether.

It was not long into my marriage that I began to feel painfully unseen, unloved and inadequate as a wife.  I worked full-time and dreaded going home to our apartment where I lived in a constant state of uncertainty and fear.  I strived to be perfect, but it was never enough.  Oh, my then-husband and I had some good times together as long as I did everything he wanted to do when he wanted to do it and I didn’t inconvenience him in any way.  My occasional petitions for a measure of forbearance or favor were met with unmasked hostility.

I trusted that over time my husband would come to appreciate me, and our marriage would be much more pleasant and fulfilling.  But that didn’t happen.

Continue reading The Emotional Affair

Is He Throwing Mud at the Wall?

“The words of a wise man’s mouth are gracious; but the lips of a fool will swallow up himself.  The beginning of the words of his mouth is foolishness; and the end of his talk is mischievous madness.”  Ecclesiastes 10:12-13

King Solomon describes those who are swallowed up by their own folly, their own words betraying their “mischievous madness.”  Perhaps you have witnessed what he so eloquently described.

It happens when your priorities finally shift, when holding your unhappy relationship together is replaced by a deepening determination to break free.  But your abuser will realize he’s* losing his grip, and thus begins the next chapter in this ridiculous saga…

Continue reading Is He Throwing Mud at the Wall?

Maybe It Wasn’t That Bad

Perhaps you have finally chosen to make a dramatic life shift away from your abuser – to separate or divorce him.*  Although some of your wounds have healed and many things have changed for the better, other aspects of your life may be more challenging than you expected, and there may be moments when you find yourself doubting the severity of your tumultuous history.

Continue reading Maybe It Wasn’t That Bad

“I’ve Changed”

“I’ve changed.”

Such are the easy words of an abuser.

It may feel good to hear them, and you want to believe them.  But what, if anything, has changed, and why?

Did your abuser confess the many, specific ways he* failed?  Did he admit to being a selfish, vindictive, manipulative micro-manager?  Did he concede that he wronged you in a thousand ways and humbly confess that he is horrified and grieved by the way he treated you and the cruel things he said to make you feel worthless?  Did he offer to separate to allow you room to grieve and heal while he works on the issues that he needs to address?

Or did he speak in vague generalities, rationalize his history, expect you to trust him and be patient with him on those occasions when he inadvertently fails again?  After all, you can’t expect perfection…

“I’ve changed” means he is not the person he was before.  There is no such thing as changing without changing.

Since time reveals truth, it probably won’t be long before you know whether he has actually changed – or not.  If he hasn’t, you are still living with an abuser, he is still abusing you, and it’s still wrong.

Words matter.  Or they should.

(*Although abusers can be of either gender, the overwhelming majority of abusers are male, therefore the abuser is referenced in the masculine.  The reader’s understanding is appreciated.)

Copyright 2020, All Rights Reserved

Cindy Burrell/Hurtbylove.com

The Black Sheep

“I am the black sheep in the family.”

How often have you heard those words? Perhaps you have spoken them.  Perhaps you have been saddled with an identity you did not seek, an identity that does not reflect who you really are.

Perhaps you know what it feels like to be the outcast, a misfit, a thorn in the side of those whose norms and expectations strangely – and even irrationally – clash with your own.  It is an extremely painful yet common reality for many. Continue reading The Black Sheep