Domestic abuse , emotional abuse , verbal abuse. Whatever you call it, abuse is wrong, but there is hope.
"If you are living in an relationship marred by emotional , verbal or physical abuse , I know that you keep hoping tomorrow will be different. I understand the kind of fear and pain you live with because I lived it. Let me teach you how to identify abuse when it happens, and empower you to reassert and reclaim your value." - Cindy Burrell
Hurt by Love is the brainchild of Cindy Burrell, a verbal and emotional abuse survivor. Because of her experience, she is able to easily identify the characteristics of virtually all abusive relationships, and she now reaches out to those ensnared by emotional , verbal or physical abuse - giving them information, advice, encouragement and hope.
"Just because he'’s not hitting you doesn’'t mean you’'re not in an abusive relationship. (If he is hitting you, there’'s no doubt.) Abuse can be subtle, insidious, even silent."
What are some of the signs that you –or someone you care about may be in an abusive relationship?
Nothing will change unless you demand change. If you believe you are - or someone you care about is - living in a relationship where there is verbal , emotional or physical abuse, don’t wait. Get help. Learn more about the dynamic of abuse , develop a support network and prepare yourself for change.
Learn more about:
Abusers and their ongoing demand for priority attention and control.
The unpredictability of the abuser : Am I living with Dr. Jekyl or Mr. Hyde?
Magic Words, Buy-offs and Hooks:– Manipulative tools the abuser uses to appease you when he has crossed the line.
The abuser'’s real objective: not relationship, but control.
The truth may initially upset you, but it will also provide you with the knowledge you will need to recognize abuse when it happens and develop the convictions, strength and strategies you will need to stand up for yourself, reclaim your value and force change.
Learn from the observations and experience of a woman who has been there:
"I didn’'t realize what we were living with. I thought it was my fault,– that I was a failure as a wife.
My husband’'s behaviors became increasingly unpredictable and frightening. Although my children and I finally escaped and survived (and are quite happy now), it pains me to realize what we endured and what they were exposed to. If only I had known then what I know now, I would have acted earlier to end the abuse ."
* Statistically, the overwhelming majority of reported abusers are male; therefore, male nouns and pronouns are used for the sake of simplicity. It is understood that females are similarly capable of verbal , emotional and physical abuse , as well. The reader'’s understanding is appreciated.
There is a light, not only at the end of the tunnel, but in it.'
Cindy Burrell, a writer, wife, mother and a survivor of emotional and verbal abuse is here to tell you that there is hope...
After twenty years in an abusive relationship Cindy was left feeling lost, lonely and exhausted. She had learned to compromise her happiness in an unsuccessful attempt to stave off the onslaught of abuse. Her story is one of neglect, fear, lies, and addictions. Finally forced to leave their home with her four children, they escaped the emotional prison in which they had all lived. Although scars remain, Cindy and her children have found healing and restoration.
Currently, Cindy works as a professional writer and researcher. "I am an emotional/verbal abuse survivor, and I am – at long last – no longer afraid to share what the Lord has done for me.
Doug Burrell, has 24 years working behind the walls of a state prison and brings the experience of dealing with abusers and manipulators of all types. His experience is invaluable.
Merciful father, I have squandered my days with plans of many things.
This was not among them.
But at this moment, I beg only,
to live the next few minutes well.
For all we ought to have thought and have not thought.
All we ought to have said and have not said.
All we ought to have done and have not done.
I pray thee, God for forgiveness.
The 13th Warrior
"Ours was a match made in hell..."
This is Cindy's story of a marriage characterized by abuse and enabling...
No woman walking down the aisle believes she will one day wake up lying next to an abusive spouse. Vows are spoken with sincerity and forethought, colored by shared dreams of happily ever after. I similarly promised myself – and God – that I would do all that I could to see that the marriage I had entered into would not only survive, but thrive. Yet, one sad day, after a million little incremental abuses, I woke up battered and scarred, utterly confounded as to how my life had become such a nightmare. What I did not realize was that the seeds had been planted long before.
I grew up in a broken home in Northern California with my mother and two sisters. My father left our home when I was five years old. Although we saw our father regularly, it was more out of a sense of mutual obligation than desire, I think, almost exaggerating the unbreachable chasm between us. My dad was, at once, very handsome and charismatically aloof. Apparently, I was not supposed to be close to him. I felt more like an obligation than a daughter.
My mother was a determined provider. She always made certain we had a roof over our heads, food on the table, and clothes on our backs. We were expected to do our homework and go to bed on time. Affection and communication, however, were virtually non-existent. I did my best not to cause trouble, as it seemed that was what was expected of me. But, I had no sense that I was in any way special, unique, attractive or otherwise extraordinary. Although I was “gifted” and always succeeded in school and was surprisingly popular with the kids, I felt altogether empty and unworthy.
When I was 19 or 20, I met John at church. He was immediately smitten with me, and we began dating. After a few short months, I broke off the relationship because he was constantly trying to “change” me. Almost a year later, after his expressed willingness to accept me as I was, we began dating again. I took his obsession with me for love. Two years later we were married.
John had some serious health issues, and together with his emotional stress of coping, John'’s life quickly became the focal point of our relationship. In my mind, this was my opportunity to prove myself. I could dote on him, take care of him and encourage him without a care for my own needs. That'’s what love does, doesn’'t it? Looking back, I can see how John needed someone to take care of him, and I needed to be needed. Both of us made it all about him. Ours was a match made in hell.
Early on, we made some memories, took some relaxing vacations and found many things to enjoy together. As long as John’'s expectations were met, life was good.
Five years into our marriage, I became pregnant with our firstborn: a daughter. John was an awesome daddy to Charla, but it was during her early years that he began to drink and self-medicate. Both of our families had a history of alcoholism, so I protested loudly and often for fear of what might follow. He would assure me that he was in control, try to hide his issues and, if discovered, would condemn me for my lack of sensitivity and support. Over time, our marriage saw an ever-changing number or type of lapses of integrity which included the use of pornography, stealing, lying, questionable relationships and drug and alcohol abuse -– whatever seemed necessary to fill the ever-growing hole in John'’s life. It was no longer even remotely concealed that his needs and desires came first. Trying to gain my husband’s love and appreciation became my objective;– to give, love, encourage and support John to the extent that he would want to love me and care about what was best for our family.
As the years passed, we were blessed with three more children, two sons and another daughter, yet more children, less time and money also meant more self-sacrifice. So John looked for ways to satiate his own appetites. Although I tried to put on a good face and hold things together, I felt emotionally abandoned and fearful. I never knew what to expect, what I might discover or how I might be treated.
John'’s drinking increased, as did his prescription drug abuse, and with it the deception. He became a spend-aholic, and our finances began to suffer. Any criticism or concerns I voiced were met with anger, and his passionate insistence that he should not be deprived whatever he pursued. To his way of thinking, any objections I had were because of my blatant selfishness.
Without emotional support, together with my twisted understanding of what it meant to be a God-honoring wife, I kept our family secrets and prayed fervently that things would turn around. I naively believed that, if I maintained my loyalty and became even more encouraging, sensitive and giving, one day my husband would miraculously see that he had a devoted wife and four amazing children, and he would eventually give his all to keep our family whole. That day never came.
My lack of appreciation of my own inherent value made me an ideal enabler -– something I never imagined becoming. I remember well reading magazine articles and watching made-for-TV movies about women in abusive relationships and wondering how any woman worth her salt could get caught up in such insanity this side of heaven. Now I know. It is like a slow-growing emotional cancer fed by fear and self-doubt.
Even more subversive, although threatening or intimidating, John never hit me. He knew all of my sensitivities, especially my desire to be a godly wife, woman and mother and could disarm me by insulting my faith, disparaging my character or simply demanding submissive silence of me. He would openly refuse to help me with household tasks when I asked just to throw his weight around, and would periodically lock me out of our bedroom as a form of punishment.
My husband became a tactical expert, using his words like a weapon. He could twist my words and confound me to the point of sheer exasperation and confusion. In the end, whatever was wrong in our relationship could be traced to my failure. John’'s will and domination controlled our world. He decided what we watched on TV, what songs played on the radio, whether anyone was allowed to have a good time. When he was harsh with the children, I would step in. Then he would blast me for daring to be disrespectful in front of the children. Although I tried to protect them, still, they felt his wrath. If I think on it too long, there is perhaps no end to the guilt I could assume on that score.
There were many times I wanted help, wanted to leave. But, he had never hit me. Nor, to my knowledge, had he ever been unfaithful. So, I felt as though I had no biblical justification for leaving. By the time I was forced to leave with our children, I was little more than a shell. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, the children lived in fear and anxiety, and John ruled his world with an iron fist.
One horrible night, after four hours of intense counseling, we returned home, and John promptly went to our bedroom, closed the door and began a telephone conversation with a woman whom he was quite obviously dating.
Early the next morning I left, taking the kids with me. Only after I walked out the door did I find my voice and, at long last, the children found theirs, too. It was the beginning of freedom and healing. The secrets would no longer be kept; they would be exposed. The harm that had been done would be called what it was.
Eighteen years earlier, I could not have foreseen that I would end up in an abusive marriage - that I would go to such extreme and unrealistic lengths – even sacrificing my common sense, dignity and even the emotional security of my own children -- to try to earn love and respect. John may have been abusive, but I enabled his destructive behavior.
After our separation, I still believed reconciliation was possible and worked toward that end. Although John initially made an effort to change, his addictions and long-ingrained abusive tendencies led to our divorce in 2003.
My regrets are too numerous to count. They come from not demanding the respect the children and I deserved early on, not speaking the truth openly from the beginning, not getting whatever drastic form of counsel and emotional support I needed, not putting my foot down and saying no. It has been hard for me to forgive myself for the cruelties our children witnessed and endured. I had failed to adequately protect those most precious to me.
There is nothing noble about allowing another to wield such power and control. It is a deadly trap and a lie. Like so many others in similar circumstances, I didn’t want to see it, and so denied it. My dream was to be such an honorable, loving, caring, sensitive, giving, encouraging wife that my husband would be irresistibly drawn to me. Instead of living in reality, I held out for hope, imagining our family one day standing whole and happy, leaving a legacy of faith and love. I imagined my husband treating me with tender love and protective care. Such was the vindication I yearned for but will never receive. It is a façade, a prideful deception I was foolishly – even selfishly – willing to entertain. I believe this desire lies deep in the heart of every enabler. Witnessing other women in similar situations, it becomes ever more apparent.
Not altogether surprising, the more abusive my husband was, the harder I tried. And on it went. So, all my efforts did was add fuel to the ever-growing blaze. That is the wicked truth. Abusive relationships are an unhealthy union of control and domination with a gross lack of self-esteem and self-debasing desire to please.
Individuals caught in abusive situations are seeking three primary things: a voice, a sense of value, and validation. While our voice may be most easily found, our sense of value must be most consciously fought for, and vindication, we must understand, may never be forthcoming. The road to restoration and healing becomes clearer when we let our unrealistic expectations go.
Even lacking in appreciation for our own inherent value, if you are living in the dreadful confusion of an abusive relationship, you must waste no time in speaking out. If it feels hurtful and wrong, it probably is. Love is not confusing and does not diminish the value of others. It’s okay, and sometimes imperative, that you say no. Of course, it is vital that you use wisdom in terms of how you take action to free yourself, making personal safety of all those concerned the highest priority.
It has taken many years and countless hours in counseling to come to see my own value as an individual, a woman, a mother and yes, once again, a wife.
Cindy and her husband live with her children in Northern California.
By the time many abuse victims find my website, they are beaten down, emotionally exhausted and thoroughly confused. They wonder whether their situations are hopeless, what they should do, and where to begin.
To those of you to whom the above applies, I say:
Don'’t give up. You have taken the first step by discovering the truth about abuse. There is a wealth of information and help available to begin the work necessary to do what you must to reclaim your value and your life. I, and many others like me, have escaped, survived and recovered. Every abuse victim has unique circumstances but, if you are willing, the journey toward recovery begins here. It begins now.
Stop doubting yourself. Call abuse what it is. You have probably denied what you have been living with for far too long.
Gather information. Get your hands on resources that will educate you on the truth about abusive relationships and the roles of abusers and enablers that will help you to acknowledge and identify abuse when it happens, and what to do when it occurs.
Tell the secrets. Spend some time with people you trust and tell them the truth about your relationship. You will be validated, and opening up will empower you as you assess the decisions and changes you may need to make in your life.
Begin to build a support network. Seek support from a counselor (preferably one knowledgeable in issues relating to abusive relationships), a pastor, an attorney, other abuse survivors, friends, family members and/or a women’s shelter. Let people know your needs and begin to develop a plan for separation (if it becomes necessary). If the abuser has threatened to harm you physically or financially, consider getting a legal separation or other legal protection, and develop options for safe alternative housing, financial, employment, child care, etc.
Stop talking and start doing. Pleading with your spouse or partner to stop hurting you hasn’'t worked yet, has it? Demand change by changing. (Make the changes you must to take care of yourself recognizing that, although it would be nice to see your spouse change as a result, he may not.)
Don'’t confuse compliance with change. If you separate, let time bear witness of legitimate, heartfelt change. Beware of magic words, buy-offs and hooks the abuser will almost certainly use to get you back into his domain.
Begin to rebuild your life and your sense of value. Stop basing your value on his assessment. He has convinced you that you are not worth loving, and you have been trying to convince him that you are. Know that if your relationship does not survive, you can still become who you want to be apart from him.
Above all, be safe. A verbal or emotional abuser may resort to physical control or violence if he feels his control is threatened. Take all necessary precautions; including keeping a record of threats, harassment, stalking or other actions that may indicate a risk to yourself or any children. Notify co-workers, friends and family members of such actions and promptly seek a restraining order if it is merited. In extreme cases, you may need to find living arrangements that are unknown to the abuser, change your phone number, notify your children’s school and provide a copy of a restraining order (should you obtain one), and inform co-workers or supervisors at your place of employment - for your safety and theirs.
And, finally…, remember...
There is life beyond abuse. We enablers become obsessively caught up in his world, trying to earn love and quell his discontent. We put on an optimistic, cautious smile and pray that maybe today he’'ll decide to love us only to discover that we are missing out on the lives we are meant to live.
Abuse is not normal. Healthy relationships are characterized by acceptance, respect, affection, joy, laughter, contentment, beauty, and peace. If your abuser won’'t allow you to have those things, you need to go find them for yourself. For a more in-depth look at the abusive relationship, you may want to consider ordering, “"Why Is He So Mean To Me?"” from the Books page, or other similar resources from the Recommended Reading page.
“God hates divorce.” (not what you think)
This Scripture, taken from the book of Malachi, is commonly used by friends, family, and pastoral counselors. I struggled for years with this decree, as I know others have in situations similar to my own. Although I was an abuse victim, my love for the Lord and my desire to please Him fueled my unrealistic belief that, between my faith and the Lord’s intervention, my abuser would change. In truth, my former husband did not want to change, and my desire to keep my marriage whole – at the expense of our family – was both foolish and destructive.
In truth, God hates divorce, not because it occurs, but because it is necessary. And Jesus made that clear when the Pharisees tried to corner Him on the issue (Matthew 19). Jesus emphatically asserted that God despises men’s practice of “putting away” their wives, abandoning them emotionally, and putting them in limbo rather than providing them with a written divorce as commanded in Deuteronomy. The Pharisees again asked why God then allowed divorce, and Jesus pointed the finger back at them: “Because of the hardness of your hearts.” Yes, God hates divorce – it should be unnecessary to protect some because of the hardened hearts of others. What He would certainly prefer is the fulfillment of the biblical model of Christ and His love for His bride, the church.
By extension, God does not hate divorced people. For those of us who have been compelled – even by the Holy Spirit – to pursue divorce, our inclination is to question whether, in seeking or accepting divorce, we therefore risk forfeiting the blessing and protection of God.
This dreadful, lesser-of-two-evils scenario makes us feel trapped. We feel we must choose whether to be abandoned emotionally or be abandoned spiritually! Thankfully, that is not God’s intent. This terrible assumption is diametrically opposed to the nature and character of our loving, protective Father-God. Believing women who contact me consistently express these same fears.
In spite of the judgments of the church, I have held to what I know about God’s priorities based upon my encounters with Him and the leading of the Holy Spirit. Yet, I have struggled to fully understand how I might account for such grace in my own life, recognizing that the Lord certainly did not merely make an exception for me. Either I was in denial, or God’s grace and affirmation was similarly extended to others in like circumstances. I just couldn’t pin down how or why the church and well-meaning believers have been misguided in issues affecting divorce.
With this in mind, I am so pleased to have found a book that biblically confirms what I have known in my spirit to be true.
Pastor Walter Callison has written a book called, “Divorce: A Gift of God’s Love,” that carefully and biblically articulates God’s consistent view of marriage and divorce.
His thorough analysis of the original meaning of the word sometimes interpreted “divorce,” both in Malachi and Matthew sheds much-needed light on the intent and the heart of God. There is much truth that emanates from his worthy analysis, and I am confident that Pastor Callison’s work will bring the light of truth and peace to many God-fearing believers who, in addition to the stress of a volatile or ungodly relationship, are saddled with a misplaced burden of guilt and fear.
Certainly, divorce is not to be taken lightly. Each of us must be wise to pray and respond according to the promptings of the Holy Spirit. In doing so, we will bring honor to God and enjoy His blessing on our lives.
It is my pleasure to encourage others in like circumstances to consider Pastor Callison’s book,“Divorce: A Gift of God’s Love.”
The book available on Amazon, may also be found on the Recommended Reading tab.
Bryce Klabunde, DMin - Soul Care Pastor, College Avenue Baptist Church - (reprinted with permission)
“I’ll change, I promise”
Many changes come naturally as we mature. Sometimes, though, negative habits form deep ruts, and it seems we can’t change, no matter how much we want to. Friends urge us to alter course and warn us of dangers ahead if we don’t. We read in Scripture about God’s path of wisdom, and His Spirit awakens our spirit to a new vision of a better life in Christ. With tears of determination, we tell ourselves, our loved ones, and our Lord that things will be different. “I’ll change, I promise.” And we really mean it. We feel a deep sense of sorrow for our sin, even disgust. However, as time passes, the pull of the rut overpowers our most sincere promises, and we fall back into old patterns.
Part of the problem may be our mistake in thinking that sorrow and confession are enough to produce change. Another part is the misunderstanding of the process of change—a process the Bible calls repentance.
Is Repentance the Same as Remorse?
According to the New Testament, there’s a difference between repentance and remorse. Judas “felt remorse and returned the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priest and elders” (Matthew 27:3). He even confessed his crime: “I have sinned by betraying innocent blood” (v. 4). Judas had come face to face with the hideous beast of evil in his soul, and he shrank back in terror and shame. Tragically, instead of leading him to God and life, his guilt hounded him to the gates of death. Eventually, his shame turned to self-hatred, and it drove him to suicide.
The apostle Paul calls this “the sorrow of the world” because the world offers no hope for people racked with guilt (2 Corinthians 7:10b). But there is another sorrow that produces life, as Paul describes:
I now rejoice, not that you were made sorrowful, but that you were made sorrowful to the point of repentance; for you were made sorrowful according to the will of God, in order that you might not suffer loss in anything through us. For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation. (2 Corinthians 7:9-10a)
The sorrow of an alcoholic, for example, can either drown him in crashing waves of self-pity . . . or carry him to the shores of a new life. The determining factor is not the sorrow itself but whether the sorrow brings the sinner to repentance.
RepentenceWhat Is Repentance?
Repentance is first a decision. The most common Greek word in the New Testament translated “repent” is metanoeo, which is based on the word for thoughts or intentions, nous (see Acts 8:22) and literally means to “change one’s mind.” Penitent people take a deep look inside and face the truth about themselves—how they’ve been excusing their sins and hurting others. They come to a decision point, or what Paul called, “the point of repentance” (2 Corinthians 7:9), in which they change their mind from pleasing the flesh to pleasing God, from trusting in self to trusting in a Savior.
This repentance decision may come at the moment of our salvation as we place our faith in Christ for the first time. It may also be a point of recommitment as we determine to follow Christ with our whole heart. In either case, it is the beginning point to a process of change.
Hand in hand with this decision is a second principle: turning. The Old Testament prophets preached a message of repentance using a special Hebrew word that means, “turn around, return.” The Lord urges His redeemed people to return to Him because He has forgiven their sins: “I have wiped out your transgressions like a thick cloud, And your sins like a heavy mist. Return to Me, for I have redeemed you.” (Isaiah 44:22)
The Lord is asking His people to take a completely new direction in life. This implies two parts: turning away from sin and returning to the Lord. And it implies a relationship between us and God—much like the relationship between the prodigal son and his father in Jesus’ parable. After the son comes to his senses in the pigsty, he turns from his sin and returns to his father (see Luke 15:11-32).
The decision of repentance and the turning of repentance are demonstrated by the fruit of repentance—deeds that flow from the life of a changed person. The prophets described these deeds in practical terms: “Therefore, return to your God, Observe kindness and justice” (Hosea 12:6a). John the Baptizer specified the fruit of repentance this way: “Let the man who has two tunics share with him who has none; and let him who has food do likewise.” And some tax-gatherers also came to be baptized, and they said to him, “Teacher, what shall we do?” And he said to them, “Collect no more than what you have been ordered to.” And some soldiers were questioning him, saying, “And what about us, what shall we do?” And he said to them, “Do not take money from anyone by force, or accuse anyone falsely, and be content with your wages.” (Luke 3:11b-14)
Repentance, then, is not merely feeling sorry for sin. A person may feel deep remorse for his or her critical spirit, anger, or greed. A pastor caught in immorality may kneel before the congregation and weep bitterly over the condition of his soul. As important as it is to feel the weight of our sin, these emotions are not repentance. In fact, if we accept these tears as repentance, we can actually hinder the person from doing the really hard work of change.
With all this in mind, let’s draw up a definition: Repentance is the process of turning from our sinful way of life and turning to godliness. It is characterized by a change of thinking and a change of behavior.
The path of repentance often leads through dark periods of self-examination and painful surrendering of selfishness and pride. Repentance includes letting go of cherished sinful pleasures and being accountable to others who help us lift our wheels out of the rut as we plow a new course in life. It marks a renewed relationship with the Lord based on a revived belief that His way is truly best and His righteousness is life’s greatest treasure.
What Are Practical Signs of Repentance?Godly sorrow
How do you know if you’re on the path of repentance? What does the penitent life look like? How can you tell if someone you love is really changing? People who are serious about change tend to display similar behaviors that let you know they are on the right track. Here are a few signs you’ll find in a truly repentant person:
1. Repentant people are willing to confess all their sins, not just the sins that got them in trouble. A house isn’t clean until you open every closet and sweep every corner. People who truly desire to be clean are completely honest about their lives. No more secrets.
2. Repentant people face the pain that their sin caused others. They invite the victims of their sin (anyone hurt by their actions) to express the intensity of emotions that they feel—anger, hurt, sorrow, and disappointment. Repentant people do not give excuses or shift blame. They made the choice to hurt others, and they must take full responsibility for their behavior.
3. Repentant people ask forgiveness from those they hurt. They realize that they can never completely “pay off” the debt they owe their victims. Repentant people don’t pressure others to say, “I forgive you.” Forgiveness is a journey, and the other person needs time to deal with the hurt before they can forgive. All that penitent people can do is admit their indebtedness and humbly request the undeserved gift of forgiveness.
4. Repentant people remain accountable to a small group of mature Christians. They gather a group of friends around themselves who hold them accountable to a plan for clean living. They invite the group to question them about their behaviors. And they follow the group’s recommendations regarding how to avoid temptation.
5. Repentant people accept their limitations. They realize that the consequences of their sin (including the distrust) will last a long time, perhaps the rest of their lives. They understand that they may never enjoy the same freedom that other people enjoy. Sex offenders or child molesters, for example, should never be alone with children. Alcoholics must abstain from drinking. Adulterers must put strict limitations on their time with members of the opposite sex. That’s the reality of their situation, and they willingly accept their boundaries.
6. Repentant people are faithful to the daily tasks God has given them. We serve a merciful God who delights in giving second chances. God offers repentant people a restored relationship with Him and a new plan for life. Listen to Hosea’s promise to rebellious Israel:
Come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds. After two days he will revive us; on the third day he will restore us, that we may live in his presence.(Hosea 6:1-2, emphasis added)
After healing comes living. Repentant people accept responsibility for past failures but do not drown themselves in guilt. They focus their attention on present responsibilities, which include accomplishing the daily tasks God has given them.
One final thought. Repentance is not a solo effort. God doesn’t expect us to lift ourselves up by our own bootstraps. Through His indwelling Spirit, God shapes and molds us to make us pure and blameless in Christ. Listen to Paul’s hopeful words: “for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose” (Philippians 2:13). For many people, the first cry of repentance is, “I can’t change by myself; I need You, God.” Thankfully, those are the sweetest words to God’s ear.
Emotional and verbal abuse is a form of abuse that people rarely see or understand. You could be sitting right next to an abuser, and not know it. He could be your best friend, your brother, a police officer living next door or sadly, even your pastor. This type of abuser carefully creates a beautifully crafted shield to protect him from suspicion. He joins the ranks of those involved in moral activities and presents himself as a friend to all. He invests time, effort, and finances into these groups to thicken the armor of his shield. However, slowly, carefully and calculated he begins his crusade of abuse.
His wife selected because of a combination of low self-esteem, neediness and a moral inclination towards submissiveness has unknowingly been his victim from the beginning. At first he presents himself as charming, loving and giving, promising her the world and all that he has to offer. However, these loving characteristics over time, give way to his desires and selfishness. Whether formed out of his consciousness or unconsciousness, his plan from the beginning was total dominance and submission of all under his roof. His wife, desiring to stay the course of a godly woman ultimately submits to his tyrannical rule. She believes that by loving and praying for him he will eventually see how fortunate he really is and returned to the loving, giving man he once was. But to the abuser this is only weakness to be preyed upon.
Over time, the frequency and intensity of the abuse increases. At the same time the abuser is carefully fortifying his shield by attending Bible studies, coaching for school sports and rubbing shoulders with the right people. By now his wife is very confused, wondering if he really is a bad guy. Or if she just doesn't understand. After all, everyone else seems to really like him. If she were to tell anybody what was really going on, would they even believe her. Fast-forward 20 years, add children to the equation and you will find a dysfunctional isolated, fragile family. The seed from this curse has been planted, grown and flourished laying damage to all around. The children have two choices, either act like dad or act like mom. They will pick one of them to emulate. This form of abuse is more evil than any other form. It would be like God being the good God that He is to us all of our life and promising us the kingdom, only to get there and discover its halls are full of torture devices. God has deceived us with charm and empty promises to make us victims of his evil pleasures and dominant rule. By now, the silent victims of this that are listening to me are receiving vindication and validation for years of confusion and fear. But they are also very afraid. As a church or family that has been blessed by not having this form of abuse, you can help by acknowledging the seriousness of this abuse. If they approach you and expose the secrets of what happens in the prison of their own home, first and foremost believed them! Offer them any help that you can. Get to my wife and I anyway that you can. My wife has authored three books, one titled "Why is He So Mean to Me?" Our website is http://www.hurtbylove.com and there we provide confidential help and a large amount of resources to free you from this bondage.
Doug
Biblical legalism creates a safe haven for abusers to live; an abuser will be quick to point out that your actions of disobedience aren’t biblical.
Because of our lack of ability as people to follow His Spirit, God created a list of rules for us to follow. The rules are meant to point us to Him.
Heb 10:1 For the Law, since it has [only] a shadow of the good things to come [and] not the very form of things, can never, by the same sacrifices, which they offer continually year by year, make perfect those who draw near. NASB
Like the Pharisees of old, Legalistic Abusers hide themselves behind scriptural rules and are quick to point out an infraction of the law. They are totally oblivious to the fact that the abused have been crying out to God for protection from them. The abused is the one that is close to the Father’s heart. From my experience the abused is the one who has been following the Spirit of God and does not dabble in biblical technicalities.
Remember going to school as a young child? And you were told to color within the lines? That was meant as a guideline to help you mature. Do those same rules apply to you today? Maybe; maybe not! Depends on what you are trying to achieve. Does the rule of staying within the lines have less value now? Certainly not! That rule might have helped shape you into a beautiful artist. If you are terrible at being an artist, maybe you should go back to square one and color within the lines to learn how to be an artist. If someone is still coloring within the lines, do they have the authority and knowledge to give advice to an accomplished artist? The artist would be foolish to listen to a first grader wouldn’t he? Yet for some reason legalistic abusers today are given authority over others in the same manner. It sounds insane doesn’t it?
How do you combat abuse? Yes I said combat; you must take off your church dress and prepare for battle.
Here are some responses I want you to say when confronted by your abuser.
A = abuser …because that’s what he is
B = victim …because that’s what you are
1. Your not being biblical
2. So what, I’m not playing bible with you anymore
1. Your not being submissive
2. Your right, I’m not doing that anymore
1. Your not being understanding
2. Good, that’s worked real well in the past hasn’t it?
1. If you were a loving wife…
2. Blah blah blah, go away!
These responses are meant to infuse you with the right attitude. You have to grab hold of the “I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore” attitude. You cannot play church anymore. Remember Christ came against the Pharisees with the same attitude. Wouldn’t you rather be Christ-like instead of church-like?
I hope that you can see the common thread and grasp the need for quick cutting answers.
You cannot allow yourself to engage in intellectual, compassionate, understanding conversations. He will spin you like a top and spit you out. Do not engage the enemy because that’s what he has become. I cannot stress this enough! Do not engage him.
Feel free to ask for help in your battle.
I bought your book, "Why is He So Mean to Me?" last week and literally devoured it! Excellent!! I even hesitated buying it just because I've studied and read about everything I could find, books as well as on the internet. But, I'm SO glad I did because you explained things so clearly, personally, relatable, challenging and encouraging. I marked it all up with underlines and comments and I felt again, like I was reading my life story with my abusive husband... Vicki
I just purchased your book and could not put it down... I was up all night reading it and now I am starting to read it again... Thank you for writing with such compassion and cannot wait to order your other books. Linda
Thank you for your encouragement. I actually purchased your e-book after I posted by blog. It was very revealing and helped confirm what needs to be done. I'm praying for strength to stand firm and see it through. God bless! Diane
I want to let you know how much our weekly Bible study group is enjoying your book, "Everything My Heart Seeks," where you so eloquently and practically present many of the amazing attributes of God. It is a true blessing to us individually and in private devotional time, as well as a source of topical discussion. When will you write the next devotional? Cathy
Your book was wonderful!! You are an amazing writer, and you really know whereof where you speak! Deborah
Your book is amazing! Thanks. Anna
I just finished reading your e-book and can not tell you how deeply it spoke to me. Nearly every single page illicited an "ah-ha!" or "Oh, my goodness, that's exactly how I felt!" Sort of reaction. At time I thought you must have had a video camera in our house as the interactions you recount are so eerily similar to many of the ones we have had here! Janet
I wanted to tell you that your book "Why is he so mean to me?" had a very profound effect on me. I just finished reading it and already I am starting it over again. I was amazed at how perfectly you described my life.
Unfortunately I am still in my abusive situation but I hope I will get the strength soon to do what I know I need to do for both myself and my kids. My husband is extremely verbally abusive, has been physically abusive in the past, drinks excessively, does the silent treatment, throws my possessions out, does nothing to help with the house, withholds money, etc etc.. All the behaviors that you talk about in your book is what I am living in now.
I wanted you to know though that I truly feel that your book has shed a light on these behaviors and how I must do something so Thank You!!
I just want to say THANK YOU! I'm reading your book "Why Is He So Mean To Me?" and it's as if you're writing about my own life in most pages.
