“It is better to be from a broken home than to live in one.”
I wish I knew the name of the pastor I heard on the radio who offered up that stunning statement. I’ll admit my surprise knowing it was a pastor who said it. I remember smiling to myself and exclaiming aloud, “Thank you.” For what he shared is something rarely heard.
For an abuse victim who dares to reveal to her friends and family members her inclination to leave her abuser, she often hears something quite different than what the pastor asserted. She will more likely hear, “What about the children?”
There it is: an emotional trump card, a ticking time bomb. Any convictions about escaping the emotional harm she and her children might face on a daily basis are at once upended and she finds herself catapulted into visions of an unavoidably disastrous future. Could it be that perhaps separating from the abuser will only make things worse? Is it true that a child is better off in an abusive household where both parents are present than in a broken home?
Today, a full decade after signing off on my divorce decree, I have to say from my experience that the pastor’s sentiment makes perfect sense. Having seen both sides, being from a broken home is far superior to living in one. I also recognize that some will contest that statement and insist that a life of separate households and the blow of a severed marital relationship are somehow more destructive. That is someone else’s story to tell. This is mine.
When I finally left with our four children, our kids were between the ages of 6 and 13. My relationship with my husband had deteriorated to such a state that I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. The five of us lived in a constant state of fear, and the children struggled with various degrees of depression, anxiety and anger, which was most evident in the two eldest.
I had done what I thought was right to maintain some semblance of normalcy, stand up for the kids when I caught my husband being overly harsh with them, deflect his anger to myself, and try to create a “happy” home. The abuse had increased so incrementally over time that I had a hard time seeing the magnitude of the dysfunction, the massive weight of oppression under which we strove to survive. Maybe tomorrow things will be different, I used to think. Maybe tomorrow he’ll care. Tomorrow never came. All of my good intentions failed. Our lives never improved; in fact, they became increasingly worse.
Looking back, I can see how each child responded uniquely to the abuse, the separation and our recovery based upon their ages, personalities, perceptions and history. We have all had to work hard to reclaim our value and rebuild our lives individually and as a family. The life we share now is healthy and safe, nothing even remotely like the hell we were living in before we left.
There were several things I was able to do for my children to help them get from that place of brokenness to a place of emotional health and stability.
First, I had to admit to the harm.
In most cases, while trying to live in an abusive relationship, our tendency is to overlook, minimize or blatantly deny the abuse. We rationalize that our abuser’s actions are simply consistent with male or fatherly behavior. We remind our children that their father really loves them or attempt to diminish their anguish by using pathetic excuses like, “He doesn’t mean it,” or “He’s just going through a hard time right now.” What we are really saying is that our children’s feelings are not as important as their father’s right to treat them badly.
Once we finally break out and acknowledge to ourselves the depth of the harm that has been done, it is vital to affirm the truth to our kids; not to burden them with our stories (which should not be borne by them), but to acknowledge theirs.
The night my kids and I left, we hurriedly packed up our most vital possessions and loaded up my van. I came out with a last armful to see the kids all sitting in their seats in silence, tears streaming down every child’s face. So, I stopped everything, and we went inside and sat down together to discuss the answer to the unspoken question: What was happening to our family?
After explaining briefly why we had to leave, I asked them what was going on with them. One by one, they timidly began to share their own experiences, things that had happened in my absence, terrible words that had been said, secrets they were expected to keep. As each child shared, they all became empowered to speak up. After they finished, I simply said to them, “I am so sorry. That is abuse, and it’s wrong. We are not going to live that way anymore.” The words absolutely seemed like too-little-too-late, but on the other hand, I suppose it was more akin to better-late-than-never. The admission was critical, and I saw in their eyes an immediate response, visible evidence of hope.
Second, I needed to give them a voice.
The dance of dysfunction continued for many more years, even after John moved out and the kids and I moved home. John’s hide-the-ball attempts to address his addictions, abuse and his wandering eye failed, largely because my children were now empowered to share their experiences with me. They began to tell all, and when they talked, I listened, and they appreciated that I took their complaints seriously. Even my youngest daughter, only 6 at the time, didn’t hesitate to say, “Mommy, I need to talk to you about something.” It gave the children value and the freedom to identify actions and situations that they knew were clearly inappropriate.
It meant a lot of confrontation between their dad and I, and he hated that his coerciveness had been exposed, but now the kids and I were all working together to acknowledge the truth and speak the truth so that I could better confront it. I got all of the kids into counseling, so that they could also speak to someone objective about their experiences and even share their disappointments about me as their mother, which they had every right to work through. In many ways, I had absolutely failed them. Whatever was necessary to achieve their healing and restore their sense of their own value; I wanted them to have it.
One woman who was trying to escape an abusive marriage told me how her teenage daughter was acting out and doing poorly in school, and the woman just wanted her daughter to knock it off, and she asked me if I had any suggestions. I asked my friend if she had spent any time with her daughter to find out what was going on in her daughter’s life, knowing that perhaps her daughter was struggling with what was going on at home. My friend looked at me like I was from another planet and dismissed my question completely. I fear the poor girl is simply begging by her actions to be seen and heard. Unfortunately, it seems that her mother simply doesn’t want to be bothered.
Third, I needed to help them to feel secure and loved.
I always wanted them to feel safe at home, but that whole dynamic had been obliterated by the abuse. For example, on Saturday mornings, the kids and I would get up before their dad and have a great time eating cereal, sitting in the family room together and watching cartoons. When we would hear his footsteps on the stairs, I think a tremor of anxiety ran through us all, and we would go silent. Sure enough, upon descending, John would begin barking orders to the kids and tell us to turn over the remote, because we had had enough fun, and it was his turn to watch what he wanted.
I never wanted them to feel that way again. We had to rebuild and reclaim what we had lost.
Although I worked full-time, I arranged an adjusted schedule so that I could get home earlier to have more of an evening with them – to converse over dinner, help with homework or be available to talk. I basically cleared my calendar. Other than lunch with friends from work or going out for coffee occasionally, my very purposeful intent was to restore their sense of security by being available to hug, help and hear them – to remind them daily for as long as necessary that I wasn’t going anywhere. It was time and energy well-spent.
I have heard of some parents who, upon separating, immediately move into the singles scene, or live their lives as though nothing traumatic has occurred. The children were left in a state of constant doubt as to what is going to happen to them and whether the custodial parent also intended to leave. And we wonder why they become depressed or anxious or sick or end up on drugs or alcohol or become promiscuous or succumb to an eating disorder. They simply need to know they are secure and loved. If you have the opportunity to give that to them, please make every effort to do so.
Fourth, I led them toward a new and better life.
We talked about our future. We all knew where we had come from. Now we needed to decide where we were going. In the end, what we wanted was a healthy, happy family where everyone felt safe, respected, accepted and supported. We had Friday family movie nights and watched Disney movies and ate pizza and microwave popcorn and laughed and sang along with the songs. We went out of town on vacation, if only for a couple of days, just to rediscover what it meant to drive a long distance and listen to whatever music we wanted to hear on the radio, to not live by one person’s schedule, to really relax without pressure or drama or guilt. All those simple things were so healing. My kids were free to claim and live a life that they all wanted. And I wanted that for them.
It has been a long, winding, rough road chock full of pitfalls and imperfection and struggles. The children still smart and grieve from many of the wounds they carry that were inflicted when their father lived with us – and since. But what we have accomplished together, and the healing and faith and strength and wisdom and character and growth in my kids’ lives in the past ten years have been worth defending, worth striving for.
So what about the children? That question caused me to doubt my instincts and live in fear of the future for too long. In hindsight, seeing what my children endured, I have far more guilt for the years we stayed than for the years since we left. In truth, once we left, we stopped living a lie and embraced the truth: It is far better to be from a broken home than to live in one.
You might also want to check out “Predator or Prey?”
Cindy Burrell www.hurtbylove.com
copyright @ 2012 all rights reserved
i love your blog, it is so inspirational.. 🙂
Thank you so much! I’m glad you enjoy it.
Dr. Phil actually says that on his show quite often: Kids would rather be from a broken home, than live in one.
I can see aspects of my own journey to and through divorce from an abuser in your story; but I was always clear on the fact that there are almost no circumstances under which a child is “better off” living in an abusive home or watching one of their parents live under the abuse of the other. No amount of “security” they gain from an unbroken home (we can also debate the fact that the home is ALREADY broken when abuse is occurring) can offset the damage to their emotions and psyche in believing that it is normal or acceptable to do so.
What about the children? Divorce from an abuser is FOR the children.
I agree with everything you said – especially the last sentence! Thank you for sharing.
I feel like i didn’t do nearly as good a job as you, Cindy, in the post-separation parenting. But I probably shouldn’t be comparing too closely as your kids don’t sound like they had to go on visitation. Is that so?
I’ll admit I was blessed because, even in spite of their young ages, the court ruled that the children could choose whether to spend time with their dad or not. My eldest son, his dad’s favorite, chose to spend the most time with his father, and my son has suffered for it, for sure. Now, I think he probably has more anger toward his father than the others. My two youngest spent the least amount of time with their dad and were basically abandoned by him after the divorce, but now they are appreciative that they didn’t have to spend too much time with him, as he continued to be abusive and manipulative (and still is). Thankfully, my husband, Doug has succeeded in filling many, many of the gaps in the kids’ lives. With the foundation we established, all of the kids are very emotionally healthy and genuinely enjoy one another’s company (which I am convinced borders on the miraculous), and they know that both Doug and I are in this with them until our days are over.
Yep Cindy, you were blessed indeed! That’s very unusual for a court to make such a ruling.
Excellent road map for those of us just starting that journey. It’s so easy to fall into that trap – so many people believe it’s too damaging to children and it’s so hard to explain how there’s a breaking point of when you need to go.
A friend of mine reminds me often: If you’re OK, your kids will be OK.
For the moment you might consider being from a broken home better than living in one, however, once the divorce is final, there is no hope of reconciliation or the softening of the heart of the abuser. I am from a broken home and not only did I suffer abuse, once my parents were divorced, I struggled with abandonment issues and blamed myself for my parents’ failure to make their marriage work. That happened well over fifty years ago and were it not for the grace of God in my life and my desire to lay it all at the foot of the cross and forgive my dad, I would not be living in victory!
Sherrie, I can sympathize with your sentiments, and every situation is different. My husband had 20 years to decide what he really wanted – and in the end, he made it clear he had no intention of changing whatsoever. Even in the years since we left, my former husband has chosen to dig the hole deeper as far as his relationships with his children. Three of the four have chosen not to have any relationship with him at all. He has hurt them over and over again.
Like I said in my piece, everyone has a story, and this is mine. When we left, my children and I were a grand mess of depression, anxiety and fear. We have all enjoyed immeasurable healing and now live in a household where there is peace and harmony. I wouldn’t trade that for anything – and neither would they.
I do believe it is important to tell our children through our actions that they matter. And God never condones abuse. There must be a consequence for such behavior. Otherwise, we are tellng the abuser that what he is doing is acceptable and normal. A line must be drawn somewhere.
I too came from a broken home and suffered from abandonment issues well into adulthood (probably still do, to some degree). I remember wishing my parents had stayed together, until I discovered some of the issues that led my mother to divorce. Now I have great compassion for her and appreciation for what she did. She never let on and allowed me and my sisters to maintain our god-like perceptions of our father. We grew up with very little, but we grew up safe, and I think the outcome would have been worse if my mother had stayed with him. I don’t love my father any less, but I appreciate what my mother did – and why. Each of us must live according to our God-given wits and wisdom.
Thanks for your kind comments, Cindy. I guess what I was trying to say is that we are all broken and regardless of whether we stay in an abusive relationship or leave one, there always will be consequences, especially for the children. I truly believe that as parents, we have a responsibility to remove ourselves and our children from harm’s way if the abuser does not accept responsibility for his or her behaviour and refuses to repent and seek help. When this is the case, there is no alternative but to leave and I applaud those who have the courage to do so. In no way did I suggest that someone stay and continue to be abused. My heart goes out to all who are faced with this decision and it was never my intention to imply that abuse is acceptable or normal.
Dear Sherrie thanks for having the courage to say your thoughts, even if they are running opposite to the rest of the comments and the post. I am sorry to hear of that pain you went through and want to say that I’m glad you have managed to deal with it Biblically. I don’t necessarily want you to spill all your story here, if you don’t feel like it, so I’ll speak in general terms, which may not necessarily apply to you.
Like Cindy wrote, she helped her children through their own (pretty intensive) recovery from the disaster of the marriage. Kids who are not helped emotionally and psychologically by a protective parent would I guess find the road a lot rockier. If their parent’s marriage broke down because one parent was abusive, then the kids usually need a lot of time to debrief, to vent their feelings and memories, and to reconsider how to understand all the things that happened to them. Sometimes it’s like gradually turning all your thinking around by 180 degrees, because whilst living under the abuse the kids may have adopted the viewpoint of the abuser, which is a viewpoint laced with many lies and distortions about cause and effect. If the protective parent does not shepherd the child through this reconfiguration process, it must be incredibly difficult for a child to find their way through the maze.
I appreciate your article so much, Cindy, as well as your whole website. I pray I will have a “success story” about my children down the road. Right now though, things are still pretty rocky. I’ve only been out of my abusive marriage a year and half, and only officially divorced a month. So things are still pretty raw, to say the least. My children have had a tough time, especially my 12 year old son who 1) idolizes his father, as most boys that age do and 2) has high functioning autism, so change of any kind is difficult for him to say the least. He has been acting out quite a bit and crying and grieving for his dad quite a bit. My daughter, who is younger, actually is handling it better, though she has had her hard moments as well.
I am doing pretty much everything you said you did with them, spending alot of time with them, including continuing to homeschool them (I have taught them at home since birth, and felt they needed that continuity in the midst of so much upheaval). The exception is that we have not been able to acknowledge or talk about the abuse at all. One major roadblock is I have shared custody with my ex, and have to be careful that it does not appear that I am talking negatively about him. That is even in our written agreement. 🙁 Of course, he does not honor his side of it, and the best I feel I can do is confront it when they tell me, “Daddy said such-and-such” and I say, “That is wrong. He should not have said that and it is not even true”. Also, they do not seem to actually remember any of the abusive incidents they lived through!!! It baffles my mind. When I have tried to allow them to open up to me about anything, without actually pointing out certain incidents, they don’t remember anything! They seem to be in deep denial or else have blocked these memories out. My son must ask me at least once a week, “But WHY did you and Daddy have to divorce?” What can I say?? It has been so hard, but I pray it gets better with time.
On the other hand, my relationship with my daughter has improved so much. Before, when her dad was still here, she was such a DAddy’s girl that I didn’t even seem to exist. We do have a lot of fun and freedom together. There are positives. But there are also days I am convinced I have made their lives exponentially harder and maybe did not make the right choice for them even though it was the right choice for me.
Hello, Julie. Thank you for sharing your difficult story. From my perspective, you do not need to worry about whether your children remember the abuse or to know why you felt the need to divorce their father. Your are being steady, loving and accepting of them and their reality at this moment. That is the very best you can do – and all they need at this point. And you are to be admired for not airing your husband’s dirty laundry, although I’m sure there are times you’re tempted. I know that from time to time I said more than I should have, and I regret it now. Over the years, my children all saw for themselfes their father’s true nature – in their own time and as a result of their own experiences. There is no reason to hurry that process. Right now, you are providing them with a safe place to live and grow.
Every child responds and processes differently. I think the most difficult was my youngest son who refused to engage when offered individualized counseling, and only this year, at the age of 20, did he decide he wants to talk about his relationship with his father. I knew the day would come when he would need to work through his stuff. As parents, we just don’t always know when that will be.
It isn’t an easy road we walk, but I know God honors our faithfulness. Just keep walking…
Dear Julie, my daughter (who is not autistic or disabled in any way) used to ask “Why did you leave Daddy?” quite often. This was in the first couple of years after the final separation, while she was still having visitation with him and was coming into puberty. My answer used to be “Because I didn’t feel safe with him.” That was often enough, with occasionally another sentence to elaborate a bit, like “I thought were hurtful and disrespectful of me, and it didn’t seem right to go on living under that mistreatment.”
These kinds of statements are factually true, without going into details of incidents or seeming like one is going on a rant.
Hi Julie – My son is also on the spectrum and is already acting out, though we haven’t separated or even told them yet. For that matter, my non-autistic son is also.
I get those waves of fear that I’m going to scar them for life by moving forward with divorce. I know they’ll ask why. I know they won’t understand even if I could explain. My hope is that someday, they’ll know that I did my best with what I’d been given.
I’ve had a couple people who have been through it say that the kids eventually see the true nature of the destructive parent. When they ask why daddy does that (doesn’t call, says something mean, whatever) don’t cover for him but also don’t use that to rant about how awful he is. Acknowledge that he behaves that way, how the child feels about it, and maybe give them something they can do to help them handle it.
Pretty sure that’s one of those easier said than done things, but I’m trying to get it set in my head for when the time comes.
Oh Cindy…I just finally found the chance to read this…I just want to cry. Your description of Saturday mornings with the kids is exactly what happens in our house. I get comments all the time asking about the kids and how would leaving impact them. It is such a terrible fence I feel I am perched upon. I want nothing more for them to be happy. To be in a happy, safe home. To be able to kick back. To just…breathe…I pray I will figure it all out.
I am so sorry to know that you have had experiences similar to ours.
I hope you will take time to review some of the articles and other resources we have available on our website. I am happy to help you if I can. You and your children do not deserve to be abused.
http://www.hurtbylove.com
Oh Cindy…I just finally found the chance to read this…I just want to cry. Your description of Saturday mornings with the kids is exactly what happens in our house. I get comments all the time asking about the kids and how would leaving impact them. It is such a terrible fence I feel I am perched upon. I want nothing more for them to be happy. To be in a happy, safe home. To be able to kick back. To just…breathe…I pray I will figure it all out.
For my Christian Sisters and Brothers for consideration:
Has anyone confronted your spouse about their behavior? How about yours? (1 John 1:9)
How was their Walk with the Lord? How is it now?
How was yours then? How is yours now?
Are they willing to make and are making the positive changes in themselves to reconcile? Are you willing to to make those changes in yourself?
– Are you praying for their change? (Romans 12:12)
– Are you willing to give them the grace to change? (Hebrews 12:15)
If they were willing and are working on it, did they repent? Have you? (James 5:16)
If they repented, did you truly forgive? (Ephesians 4:32)
If you forgave in accordance with Scripture, then you need seek His word on what God put together. (Mark 10:19)
Christ in spite of being spit upon, cursed, yelled at, scourged so badly that ribs and backbone were visible, beaten with a cestus to the point of being nearly unrecognizable, crucified, stabbed, having His knees broken, and suffocating to death, chose obedience instead His feelings. Our faith is dyed with the blood of those who chose obedience to His unchanging word than their own temporary feelings.
I’m not advocating that you stay in an unrepentant and abusive marriage; I am advocating that if your spouse is truly repentant, is seeking reconciliation, and is actively turning their lives around, that you seek them out and work this out in accordance with the Gospel – in mutual peace, repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation.
Hello, Chris. Certainly, each of us has to measure our response to abuse. But, the suffering that Christ endured to purchase our redemption is not a picture of a godly marriage. God forbid! Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her, and the wife is to submit to her husband as unto the Lord (who wants the best for us). Ongoing, even daily torment is not an appropriate reflection of the love relationship between Christ and his bride, the church.
Of course, each of us must measure our own motives and choices and seek to respond to the Holy Spirit’s leading even in the midst of difficulty. For my part, I endured 20 years of increasingly cruel abuses, confronted him countless times, took his offenses to the church, went to counseling, prayed my heart out and truly believed that our relationship would ultimately be restored. The Holy Spirit told me when to leave, I was released in His time, and I have never once regretted my decision to divorce. My husband’s attitude was that, as long as I didn’t catch him (important caveat) in adultery, he could treat me and our children any way he wanted, and there was nothing I could do about it. The more he abused me, the harder I tried – and I can see now that he liked it that way.
Since the piece was about my children, I must say that, if you asked any one of them today whether they wished their father and I had stayed together, they would all say not just ‘no,’ but ‘heck no.’ They are all quite happy, balanced young people, and our lives have been richly blessed. Sadly, their father has chosen to go ever deeper into his narcissistic little world. He could have had a great life with a family who loved him, and he forfeited it all.
Just so you know, too, abuse is not a series of unfortunate incidents; it’s a dynamic. Abusers are virtually all the same. For them, it is not about relationship, it is about control. There is a monumental difference between a strained marriage and an abusive one. If you want to know more, check out our website at http://www.hurtbylove.com.
Chris, hear me carefully. I know nothing about you and am not making any personal allegations about you, but you need to know that a lot of what you’ve written is how abusers speak when they are trying to pressure or coerce their separated wife into reconciliation. The abuser presents these arguments to pastors, leaders, and other Christians, as well as directly to the victim. Often the abuser manages to recruit allies in the church who will do his dirty work for him, and apply pressure to the victim on his behalf.
Let me detail what is wrong with your arguments.
The biggest mistake is that you point to the victim’s sins as being a partial cause of the marriage breakdown: you question the victim’s walk with the Lord and say that the victim needs to make changes in herself in order to help the reconciliation to take place (assuming the abuser is repenting and making changes).
This is FALSE.
Certainly, we are all sinners; no one is claiming that victims of abuse are without sin. But the fact is: domestic abuse is entirely a problem the abuser causes, it’s HIS problem, not a shared problem. He is abusive; he is the abuser; the victim is not a contributor to causing the abuse (though her tolerating it may enable him to abuse more, or for longer).
To claim that it’s a shared issue, is to argue for the abuser’s false version of reality, on his behalf.
You wouldn’t want to take up the abuser’s banner for him, would you?
That’s what you’ve done. And you’ve quoted scripture woodenly, wielding it like a guilting-whip to try to prove you case.
The other thing you’ve done is skate over the issue of What Exactly An Abuser’s Repentance Should Look Like.
This is a very important topic, but you’ve paid it little attention. Abusers are notorious for feigning repentance, for going though the motions, jumping thru a few hoops to try to prove they are changing for the better, and then they expect to use their hoop-jumping as bargaining chips for reconciliation. That is the way of the wicked man: never really changing but being very clever at convincing others that he’s in the process of changing. Given that you’ve ignored the topic of discerning phoney repentance from genuine repentance, your argument is a sieve full of holes.
I hope you will think carefully about what I’ve written, and not just react emotionally to it.
If you want to explore the topic of real repentance, I know Cindy has some resources on it, and there is also an article on my Resources page http://www.notunderbondage.com/resources.html
I was wondering if you would chime in Barb?
Chris please do not take offense to what Barb is saying and I must say I echo everything both her and my wife Cindy are saying. Until you have been exposed to this type of treachery one really has no idea.
Barb, great post! Keep up the fight.
I think Jeff Crippen says it best…WE are not called to be redeemers. CHRIST’S sufferings were for the purpose of redemption…
And I believe so many of us who have walked this path would say we have waited decades to see (TRUE) repentance in our abusive spouses, to the point of living in denial of the truth of our situations. We have turned ourselves inside out to find the sin and “wrong thinking” and “skewed perspectives” that continually “cause” our spouse to be angry and sulking and make our lives miserable. True reconciliation is not in their vocabulary. What they want is for things to go back to exactly what they were. Forgiveness does not change THEM. It frees US. But forgiveness does not necessarily imply reconciliation…
It is the truth coming out and being brought to the light that actually begins the healing. Such a relief to not have to live a lie and pretend things are OK, when all of us in the family know they are NOT.
Then lay it at the feet of Jesus and trust Him through it all. His Grace is sufficient, and He makes a WONDERFUL husband and Father! 🙂
I too don’t feel safe enough to use my real name. Someday, someday. Healing is happening. Thank you for writing Survivor for all those who are just starting to have their eyes opened to the abuse and out of the FOG( Fear, Obligation and Guilt)
Dear Survivor, I take my hat off to you. What a wonderful reply to Chris Watson! Very thorough. Could you kindly email me (you’ll find my email address at the About tab on the blog A Cry For Justice —click on my name here). I’d like to ask your permission to use some of what you wrote in a post I’m drafting.
Bless you. 🙂