Letter to Abusive Husband

Mr. Religious-Abuser can he change

My name is Doug Burrell, co-founder of a ministry that helps women who are married to super religious, super anointed, scripture spouting, pharisaical vipers who are full of dead men’s bones!

If your reading this letter it most likely applies to you. Who in the hell do you think you are treating a precious gift from God the way you do?  I know how you play the game. How you are always faithful in church and how you put on a great smile with everyone you meet. How you are falsely charming to everyone BUT your wife! I know you have the pastor and many others fooled into thinking your the next best thing since sliced bread. Well guess what? I know it’s all a lie! That’s right! Your just a scared little man afraid that everyone will find out who you really are, that’s the reason for the show. Your entire life is an act and you know it! News Flash – The world doesn’t revolve around you, and NO your not special at all!

You tell your wife that she cant live without you, when it’s you who can’t bear the thought of rejection! I know that if and when your wife confronts you or catches you in the act of cowardice or betrayal you promise to never do it again. But it’s only temporary compliance to stave the Out-of-Control feeling that you are experiencing.

At some point if you haven’t already, your going to forbid (I’m laughing) your wife from even seeing her family or some of her friends because you think they are not a good influence (still laughing). You will bar your wife and kids from having any visits with these threatening people, because they are a threat to your plans of total dominance.Yep, just what Jesus had in mind! Shoot, I’m really blowing it!

Furthermore, I know that if your wife asks you to leave that you will become desperate and will call in the troops at church to rally to your side. You will paint the picture of a poor little misunderstood man whose wife is not being godly and forgiving. Or you will convince the troops that she is going through that time of life. This is where the scripture quoting is thrown all over the place! You will even have the audacity to say “I’m the leader of this house.”  What a farce! Some leader you are, abandoning your wife emotionally, physically and spiritually. Not being sacrificial as Jesus says to be. NO your not, you think you are but your not! The fact that your thinking about yourself proves it!

Over the years your wife has forgiven you countless times and yet when she is at her wits end, you and the troops tells her she has to be forgiving! What a slap in the face, are you kidding me? You should just go crawl under a rock and hide somewhere at this point, you big sissy! It is only a fool that returns to his own vomit, and you want her to forgive you? Oh but wait there’s more! I forgot the almighty 70 times 7 verse! Oh what was I thinking? I was thinking she should have left you a long time ago Loser!

I also know that your religion and faith are a farce, because as soon as she leaves you your going to start getting drunk, maybe even smoke pot. You know why? Because it didn’t work. Your religion was phony from the start. If it were real you would not have been treating your wife with such cruelty.

You want your marriage to work? Lead with love not iron. Learn what love really is, love her and cherish her, she deserves it after putting up with your sorry butt. Above all else stop making everything about you, this is what got you into this mess in the first place. Oh, and lastly give your life to Jesus seriously this time. Either do this or lose it all.

Doug Burrell

8 thoughts on “Letter to Abusive Husband”

  1. i think this is a great letter, to the point, but a bit harsh in the name calling. I think that would cause an abusive husband to strike out.

    1. Hurting,

      First of, I’m sorry that your hurting and you are obviously hurting because of a man that is treating badly or else you wouldn’t be here.

      I’m assuming you’re a woman, since 99.9 percent of visitors to our site are. If this is the case and I think it is, then you have to understand that men need to hear this from another man to be more effective. Secondly if he can treat you badly then he needs to be admonished.

      If you have a pastor then he should be the one to do the admonishing. But this seldom happens. This is where we come in and alongside the victim to give validation, vindication and support.

      1 Thessalonians 5:14 says “We urge you, brethren, admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone.”

      Furthermore, when Jesus admonished the Pharisees He said they were white-washed sepulchres full of dead men’s bones. Jesus was very stern with those who put a heavy burden on others.

      Hurting, you cannot coddle the wicked or they will eat you for lunch. You should not have to walk on egg shells every time he is around. They hate being exposed for what they are, and that is the only way to reach them. Calling them less than they are only enables and empowers them.

      We are here to help. Please read on, and we think you will find the kind of help you are looking for.

      Doug

  2. Please tell me this isn’t posted with my email (everyone I know knows my email.. I am afraid I am revealing too much. I printed out several of your articles and have them lying around. I almost sent him the letter you wrote. I understand what you are saying, But I know that if I sent that letter to him, he would say he treats me this way because I am cold to him. He doesn’t remember ,or if he does remember, he says I need to forgive and quit bringing up the past. All I say to him is I don’t feel secure, and haven’t in the almost 30 years now that we have been married. He has threatened to walk out every time we have a disagreement, starting shortly after we were married, and every time I disagreed after that. (When i was 3 months pregnant he threatened to leave. I walked the halls at work thinking what will i do,then saying ok I can do this. But he acted nice for a while. Once she was born, he couldn’t deal with the house being messy with baby stuff, I was so tired, i couldn’t keep it spotless. So when she was 2, I almost left but found out he had cancer, I couldn’t leave him alone then.) The story goes on and on the same way. Always ends in him screaming at me and walking out. I really don’t yell back, I say normally sobbing, begging please lets sit down and talk. I just build my wall higher, i know I shouldn’t but I have a very thick wall protecting my heart ( it still breaks, but I don’t expect anything from him). I I have a daughter still at home, she has learned to scream and yell and walk out, I tell her this is wrong, but that is what she sees. At church praising God, or at home alone in prayer, God gives me the strength to know that somehow we will make it. But my stomach still churns and I hide at home when he is there, until I finally give in and act like nothing happened. I don’t swear, he only swears when we fight, he used to just scream and yell and not curse hitting the door frames or stuff. I hid the gun that is beside our bed for protection, because his tantrums have gotten to the point I don’t think he is in control at all during them. I had to put it back that made him very mad.. He has never hit me , just shoved me out of his way. This last time started over what I was wearing, it was not revealing, I am very conservative in what i wear, my kids tell me I need to quit dressing like I am 70. That was a few days ago, and ended with you are a @#@idiot. You are such a J@##A@#. We are done. I can’t live with you anymore. you are sick. You don’t appreciate anything. That is the normal last words as he walks out the door.The men I worked with respected me more than my husband, they would never allow people around me to even say those words in front of me..They would say hey watch it there is a women present. I knew there wives, but my husband would never go to my work stuff to meet the people I worked with.. I wrote him a letter saying this last night, that the men at work respected me more than he does. ( He just painted the living room by himself a few weeks ago , and bought new furniture ,which I did help pick out. I think that made him feel like I owed him great gratitude. I still am so hurt, I can’t pretend we are fine, I did praise the job and say how great it was often, I told him I would help but he only would do it when I was away, I do appreciate it greatly, we haven’t painted in 20 years) Normally we go a few days with him acting like absolutely nothing happened, he buys the kids stuff, and I look like I am being mean. I sleep on the sofa for a while, too scared to try and talk because I know it will end in a fight. Eventually I sneak into sleep in bed after he is asleep, and stay as far on my side as i can. Actually every night that is what I do. I have had back surgery and the sofa causes spasms the next day. We are at the sleeping on the sofa stage right now, I am ready to make my stand. I have to for my daughters sake. I am caring for my mom and dad right now. I could move to my moms temporarily ( she is 80, terminally ill and needs someone there, hospice comes a few hours a week ), and keep taking care of my dad in the nursing home, but I know my daughter would say she can deal with it at home, and stay there. She wouldn’t want to move there. My spouse would probably shower her with stuff to prove how great he is, but he screams at her too, she just has learned to scream back. And tells me I am stupid for putting up with it one day, but then saying he is ok, you just have to not set him off.. I have been reading all the stuff on your sight and still don’t know what to do, I am off work, I worked part-time up until a few years ago. My doctor and husband agreed It was killing me when I worked, I never told my doctor about my home life. But I had a day to recoup in between my next day, and I loved my job. Plus it gave me the sense that I could support my daughter and myself if I had to. Now I can’t go back, and I won’t find a part-time job 3, 10 hour days every 2 weeks that had benefits. I may have felt like I died the day after each day I worked, but I felt that God had given me that job as a gift. It was killing me, but now I can’t support us if I leave. I know I have to just pretend this didn’t happen, and be even more hurt inside, or leave. i am very scared and am doing nothing but praying and crying when no one is looking. Thank you for the articles. There is no one at my church that I can go to, we have a major change in the last few years, we have all new pastors, and I don;t know them well at all. My husband only goes on Sunday and then leaves while I go to the youth service with my daughter. Everyone at church would be shocked, and my daughter would be embarrassed, she doesn’t need that.He doesn’t like anyone at church enough to stay and talk to them. I know I am far from perfect, and I have become very distant to him over the years, I am so hurt, i don’t know how to act, i can’t depend on him, or even share my thoughts about anything unless they agree with his. He tells me he speaks all his words at work, when he comes home he doesn’t have any words left. That what i say is stupid anyway, that i talk too much. he tells me I have no friends, but i do, I just can’t visit them. My daughter says just go. I did have a friend over, he came home and he said it must be nice to just sit around. He goes out for lunch and breakfast with friends. Please give me the article names you think would be best for me to read. i have read them all, I want to be able to laugh and feel the freedom Jesus gave us. The other part of me says Jesus says love your enemies and forgive them. I know Jesus is with me, The Holy Spirit has comforted me and i have seen many signs of His presence in things that have happened. I am really confused as to what is the right thing to do. We are called to be married for life, we are called to forgive, yet I know I can’t do this anymore, I either need more strength from God or a miracle. I am sorry I wrote so much. I won’t again. I am just begging for where to turn. thank you

    1. Dear Hurting.

      Cindy here…

      I am so sorry for what you have been through – and continue to go through.

      Dear woman, you do not have to live that way. You don’t have to convince me of anything, nor do you have to convince anyone else. You need to get away from him. You need to leave. Even if he leaves, as you have experienced, it is only temporary. It is a game to him – simply a way he can hurt you and blame you and make you feel worthless and keep you striving to earn his love and approval.

      He is an abuser, and for all this time you have tried to manage it, pray your way through it, reach his hard heart. But, by staying, you are telling him that his behavior is acceptable. It’s not. You are married to a wicked man who cares only for himself.

      You will have to decide what is best, but he seems like he could be a dangerous. If you get away, you need to alert people to your situation, seek help and support and go and stay with someone where you have plenty of it. Abusers don’t like to be exposed, and he won’t like it.

      In your situation, I would not encourage you to confront him or leave him Doug’s letter to abusers. He won’t care, and he won’t receive it. It will just make him angry. He makes you out to be the problem. He knows you’re not, but that’s his job. That’s typical. You need to leave knowing that that man will probably never change (I don’t care what he promises you).

      My concern is for your emotional and physical safety. And the truth is that it is really hard to see where we’ve been until we get time and distance away from our abuser- and lots of it. You have been subject to this for so long, that it is almost normal to you – but it is not normal at all. The fact that your daughter emulates his behavior is pretty sad. If you are going to show her something different, it’s up to you to initiate the healing process now.

      Change will have to begin with you. Pray for wisdom. Look for options. Begin to tell your secrets and ask for help.

      You don’t have to live this way. God never condones abuse, and marriage is sacred to him, not something to be trashed and torn apart. Your husband has broken the marriage covenant over and over again. You owe him nothing.

      Be wise. Be strong. Keep educating yourself, and contact us here as you need direction.

      In Him,

      Cindy

      P.S. As long as don’t create a profile, no personal information is seen by others on the site. But if you are afraid of him finding your history, delete your history every time you access the computer.

  3. I don’t think this letter was harsh at all. You should read the letter I just wrote to my narcissist/misogynist/abusive coward of a husband of 30 years in response to his most recent attack! I just recently came across this blog and I need to read through everything, but I just wanted to say I’m happy to have found a religious source to go to, and that I’m thankful in the knowledge Jesus Christ has been the only man in my 56 years that has never and will never hurt me, and I need nothing more.

    1. Hello, Raquel.

      Thank you for taking the time to write and share your experience. I am very glad that you found the website and want you to know that you will find a lot of helpful resources and information here and, I trust, a lot of encouragement and emotional and spiritual support.

      Let me know how we can help, and I will do what I can to help or direct you.

      In Him,

      Cindy

  4. Long story short.
    Married almost 40 yrs.
    for 30 yrs I put up with name calling, bullying, mental & emotional abuse by a very hard working, narcistic man. I begged him to love me, not take my kisses for granted. He was always depressed and never heard my begging for love.
    After he ignored me, I fell in love with another man. Hubby was extremely hurt asking how I could do this to him, to us? He begged me to stop my emotional later turned physical affair. I didn’t. I couldn’t. I didn’t want to. Than he got turned on by it, than wanted details. I was demented and stayed in this relationship with him even tho I knew in my heart both he and I were and are hurting. He ended up having a one nightwr than said no more. He loves me. He begs me to stay with him.
    I’m moving out next month but this past month I have been gone for business and alone and a lot of time to think. Now I miss him but I’m afraid it will go back to what I lived in for 30 years. Doing it for the kids and gkids? Yes. Mostly. I’m also shallow. He’s a handsome man on the outside but deceptive and ugly inside. He turns to alcohol swearing curing the lord and everyone else when he’s upset. Got the kids involved to the point where I felt sickened by my own sin to the point I took a rock to my own head after everyone else threw verbal stones at me.
    I will not pretend it was only his fault. I felt the Lird telling me many times to stop what I was doing and repent. I have now but am still in love with the other man. I am sick to my stomach.
    My hubs sent me a link to women’s infidelity stuck in limbo. He said now he understands me. I never sent him your link tho I oft times think I should. Than he’d get that I understand him. Everything you have on your first page is EXACTLY how I felt an dealt with the abuse for years. It HAS gotten better but still a far cry from good. Looks good from far but far from good.
    I know this is not how God intended marriage. I know it takes two. I know if I would have had a spine in the early days of marriage we would not be in this mess that we both made. How I wish I’d have a pastor who cares enough to ask how we are doing. He couldn’t even take the time to email me after I bared my soul to him. But hey, he’s human too. And he has a large church to run. And I’m only one of 1500 needed his attention.
    My frien left his marriage for me. And now here I am contemplating staying in a marriage where the bonds of covenant have been broken. My friend is a godly man, with a tender compassionate prayerful heart. Trouble is, both of us were unequally yoked from day one in our marriages. Having the appearance of holiness, but being completely filled with holes instead of holiness.
    How I wish I knew how to live forward. I break everyone’s hearts if I go. I break mine and my friends if I stay with hubs.
    God help me I’ve made a mess.
    So thankful for Gods mercy Grace love and compassion!

    1. Dear Friend.

      I am so very sorry to read about all that you have been through.

      But this is what I think you need to know: It is never too late to start doing what is right. I cannot condone your adulterous affair, but neither will I condemn you, recognizing how your heart must have been hurting when you began to entertain an outside relationship. Still, you know you need to work through this and make things right.

      You indicate that you are willing to remain in a relationship that is perpetually toxic and emotionally harmful. For the kids and grandkids? How do they benefit from that? You think that they are insulated from the truth? They aren’t. If anything, I believe that we have a responsibility to begin to live according to our knowledge of the truth when it becomes apparent. That is where wisdom and strength and peace and freedom and contentment come from. Or should we continue to live a lie?

      What is true about your relationship with your husband – whether in the past or now? This is where I think you might want to begin working the issue.

      I am also sorry that your pastor failed to respond to you. Sadly, many in our churches do not have the slightest idea how to handle abuse in marriage, how to counsel victims or address abusers. That doesn’t make you wrong about what has happened. It makes him either ignorant or unwilling to address the problem.

      Yes, God loves you deeply, and He can restore the years that the locusts have eaten if you are willing. What do you hear His Spirit saying to your heart?

      You are welcome to e-mail me at my private e-mail at the contact link on the website, if you prefer…

      In Him,

      Cindy

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