Category Archives: betrayal

abuse, belief system, betrayal, biblical divorce, conflict, confusion, controlling abuse, cruelty, divorce, emotional abuse, faith, fear, humiliation, hypocrisy, judgment, marriage, perfectionism, shame, trauma

He Really Believes…

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In my conversations with abuse victims, the above phrase is something I can typically expect to hear.

It begins with “He* really believes…” and ends with:

…his way is the right way.

…I’m the one with the problem.

…I don’t understand him.

…I should just trust him.

…he is justified in treating me the way he does.

…I’m a lousy wife.

Does he really believe those things?  If he does, then to my way of thinking, there are only two options.  Either: 1) he is painfully delusional, or 2) he is doing everything in his power to convince you that he believes those things of you.

Why would he do that?

Continue reading He Really Believes… →

abuse, belief system, betrayal, Christianity, emotional abuse, faith, family dysfunction, hypocrisy, love, perfectionism

Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs?

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Natalie Hoffman of Flying Free has an exceptional ministry and offers a wealth of resources designed to help women in abusive relationships.  She recently invited me to do a podcast with her to discuss my new book[i] and the issue of Christian marriage counseling in general.

In the course of our conversation, we were tossing out some of the Scriptures that often tend to keep us bound to our abusers.  Among them was “Love… keeps no record of wrongs’…”  from I Corinthians 13:5 (NIV)

Natalie shared that, in her previous marriage, she would write down accounts of her husband’s abuses, but a day or two later, she would tear them up and throw them away as an exercise of faith by not “keeping a record of wrongs.”  I had the opportunity to briefly explain that our English translations of this verse are painfully inaccurate, and there are times when a literal translation must take precedence to see a more accurate meaning – and the heart of God.

Continue reading Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs? →

abuse, belief system, betrayal, Christianity, conflict, controlling abuse, cruelty, denial, disrespect, divorce, domestic violence, emotional abuse, enabling, faith, family dysfunction, fear, leaving an abuser, manipulation, neglect, truth, unsafe home

“I’ve Changed”

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“I’ve changed.”

Such are the easy words of an abuser.

It may feel good to hear them, and you want to believe them.  But what, if anything, has changed, and why?

Did your abuser confess the many, specific ways he* failed?  Did he admit to being a selfish, vindictive, manipulative micro-manager?  Did he concede that he wronged you in a thousand ways and humbly confess that he is horrified and grieved by the way he treated you and the cruel things he said to make you feel worthless?  Did he offer to separate to allow you room to grieve and heal while he works on the issues that he needs to address?

Or did he speak in vague generalities, rationalize his history, expect you to trust him and be patient with him on those occasions when he inadvertently fails again?  After all, you can’t expect perfection…

“I’ve changed” means he is not the person he was before.  There is no such thing as changing without changing.

Since time reveals truth, it probably won’t be long before you know whether he has actually changed – or not.  If he hasn’t, you are still living with an abuser, he is still abusing you, and it’s still wrong.

Words matter.  Or they should.

(*Although abusers can be of either gender, the overwhelming majority of abusers are male, therefore the abuser is referenced in the masculine.  The reader’s understanding is appreciated.)

Copyright 2020, All Rights Reserved

Cindy Burrell/Hurtbylove.com

abuse, betrayal, emotional abuse, family dysfunction, rejection

The Black Sheep

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“I am the black sheep in the family.”

How often have you heard those words? Perhaps you have spoken them.  Perhaps you have been saddled with an identity you did not seek, an identity that does not reflect who you really are.

Perhaps you know what it feels like to be the outcast, a misfit, a thorn in the side of those whose norms and expectations strangely – and even irrationally – clash with your own.  It is an extremely painful yet common reality for many. Continue reading The Black Sheep →

abuse, belief system, betrayal, Christianity, conflict, confusion, denial, domestic violence, emotional abuse, enabling, faith, fear, marriage

But I Still Love Him

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“But I still love him.”

Maybe you have said those words at one time or another.  Even in the midst of the craziness, you have chosen to set aside your pain, wipe your tears and fervently proclaim in spite of everything he has said and done, “But I still love him.”

The words seem to stand alone, however “but” is a conjunction that connects and contrasts the first part of a sentence with the second.  With this in mind, let’s consider what a complete sentence might sound like.

“He is controlling, mean and unpredictable… but I still love him.”

“He blames me for everything… but I still love him.”

“I feel lost, lonely and confused… but I still love him.”

“But I still love him…”  They are words that connect real pain with patient optimism – generous measures of hope, devotion, determination and – let’s be honest – at least a small measure of denial.

If you were to set aside every excuse and rationale and be completely honest, how would you describe the man with whom you are sharing your life?  Is he approachable, accepting and affectionate, kind, gracious and generous?  Is he intrinsically safe?  Or does he tend to be selfish, quick-tempered, controlling, manipulative and demanding?

The next question is:  Do you love the man he is, or do you love the man you fell in love with – the man you believe he could be?

Every victim whom I have ever asked that question has solemnly confessed that she loves the man she fell in love with, a man who seems to have mysteriously vanished and been replaced by a man she barely recognizes.  Some who are willing to concede that he is failing as a husband at the moment prefer to hold to a more generous and optimistic perspective by adding, “But, he can also be charming and funny and affectionate.  Sometimes I see that side of him, and that is the man I love.”

I understand completely.  It is that occasional sighting of Dr. Jekyll* that convinces you that you can surely find a way to put up with Mr. Hyde until the good man you infrequently catch a glimpse of returns once and for all.  Some women have held tightly to that hope for 30 or 40 years or more to finally discover that the man they loved lived only in their imagination.  So I simply pray that God will help you discern the kind of man he really is one way or the other.

Dear reader, this is your life and your dilemma, and my desire is to simply to give you permission to be honest with yourself.  I know it’s scary, because the truth may not be easy to accept or address.

Nevertheless, I will pose it to you once again:  Do you love the man he is, or do you love the man you believe he could be, but isn’t?

“[Love] does not rejoice in unrighteousness but rejoices with the truth.”  I Cor. 13:6

* The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson, (1886)

Copyright 2019, All Rights Reserved

Cindy Burrell/Hurtbylove.com