“It’s like he can’t hear me.”
“He makes me feel like I’m crazy.”
“When I try to talk to him, he treats me like I’m his enemy.”
These are some of the things abuse victims might say when they share with me how they try to communicate with their abuser*.
I want those of you who can empathize with those sentiments to understand that there is no real misunderstanding. The man hears you, he wants you to feel crazy, and it’s not surprising that he is treating you like you are his enemy, because that’s pretty much the way he sees you.
Healthy communication and conflict is part of any relationship, and all of our communication should begin with a recognition of our many differences coupled with a desire to find compromise and meet one another’s needs.
But abusers are not interested in reason or resolution. Even though you may approach him in a moment of calm and everything you say may make perfect sense, the truth is that he is not the least bit interested in what you have to say. Furthermore, the fact that you have to find just the right moment to talk to him may be evidence of just how risky trying to communicate with him really is…
As you are speaking – trying to find just the right words to keep him from attacking you – know that he is probably strategizing as to how he can twist your words and turn them back on you. Expect any comeback to be irrational or unnecessarily harsh, coupled with a how-dare-you, who-do-you-think-you-are kind of attitude.
The truth is that he views your attempt at finding compromise as a design to undermine him. In his mind, you are trying to claim for yourself some measure of power he holds – power he has no intention of relinquishing.
His over-the-top response speaks to his agenda. He wants you to become so frustrated that you will simply give up and leave him alone. He also wants to make sure you understand that any future efforts to petition for help or positive change will be met with similar ferocity.
He is neither ignorant nor innocent. He doesn’t care if your requests are legitimate or if you are hurting. He only cares about his absolute right to have his way in everything all the time.
When it comes to communicating with an abuser, you really can’t. He only hears what he wants to hear and will vigorously reject everything else. That doesn’t make him right. It just means that you are seeing who he really is.
It’s not your fault. It’s that his mind is set. As difficult as it may be to accept, you need to understand that it’s not that he doesn’t know how to communicate; it’s that he is actually a master communicator when it comes to knowing how to shut you down, shut you out and shut you up.
No matter how badly you want to find a way to make it work, communication requires two people willing to listen to one another, while the abusive relationship is, in fact, a dictatorship.
“Rescue me, O Lord, from evil men; preserve me from violent men who devise evil things in their hearts… they sharpen their tongues as a serpent; poison of a viper is under their lips.” Psalm 140:1-3 (in part)
*Although abusers may be of either gender, the overwhelming majority of abusers are male; therefore, the abuser is referenced in the masculine. The reader’s understanding is appreciated.
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Cindy Burrell
Great post, and so true. There is no real communication with an abuser, you are darned if you do and darned if you don’t. No matter what or how you say something will always be turned around and used against you. That’s why all the joint marriage counseling in the world will not turn an abuser around. It needs to be made very clear to those who try to ‘save’ our marriages that there is NO COMMUNICATING with an abuser.
When I married my current husband in ’11 I was actually shocked at how we actually talked and communicated about all things, including finances, household stuff, etc. There was no battle, no having to choose my words carefully or finding just the right time to have a discussion. We just talk about things and that is that. It is so refreshing not to have to walk on eggshells or choose my words so carefully.
Great post, Cindy!
Hello, Amy. Thank you for taking the time to share your own experience.
I felt the same way as you did when I married my amazing husband in 2006 – shocked to discover how easy marriage can – and should – be. It took me a long time to realize how unequivocally safe I am with Doug and how insane things really were in my previous marriage. I still cannot believe I remained in that horrible marriage as long as I did, but God provided a way out, and – like you – I am eternally grateful!
Blessings,
Cindy
Cindy,
Great post, as usual!
It also touches on perhaps one of the most difficult kinds of cognitive dissonance that occurs when trying to figure out life with an abusive person: thinking the his or her motives for a “conversation” are the same as ours, when, as you point out, they are not at all the same!
Where we desire to resolve matters, they want to keep stirring up trouble–and until we know this, our mind keeps spinning.
Cheers,
P.
Hello, Phyllis! I agree with everything you shared. Isn’t it strange that so often we can’t see the craziness until we’re out of it?
Cindy
So many crazy circular conversations! I’ve come to realize that while MY goal was to understand, problem-solve, and/or compromise to reach resolution, HIS goal was to make me feel and sound confused and incompetent. It’s nothing you can really explain to someone who hasn’t experienced it and if they have, there’s no need to even explain. They just get it.
You are absolutely right. The hard part is being able to see it when you’re in it, and trying to explain it to someone who hasn’t experienced it!