“I’ve changed.”
Such are the easy words of an abuser.
It may feel good to hear them, and you want to believe them. But what, if anything, has changed, and why?
Did your abuser confess the many, specific ways he* failed? Did he admit to being a selfish, vindictive, manipulative micro-manager? Did he concede that he wronged you in a thousand ways and humbly confess that he is horrified and grieved by the way he treated you and the cruel things he said to make you feel worthless? Did he offer to separate to allow you room to grieve and heal while he works on the issues that he needs to address?
Or did he speak in vague generalities, rationalize his history, expect you to trust him and be patient with him on those occasions when he inadvertently fails again? After all, you can’t expect perfection…
“I’ve changed” means he is not the person he was before. There is no such thing as changing without changing.
Since time reveals truth, it probably won’t be long before you know whether he has actually changed – or not. If he hasn’t, you are still living with an abuser, he is still abusing you, and it’s still wrong.
Words matter. Or they should.
(*Although abusers can be of either gender, the overwhelming majority of abusers are male, therefore the abuser is referenced in the masculine. The reader’s understanding is appreciated.)
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Cindy Burrell/Hurtbylove.com
Hi, Cindy,
And specifics ARE KEY…
During a recent (very sort-lived) re-friending, my ex-abuser “apologized” in general for being selfish, controlling, and so on, but when it came to the alcoholism, early physical and long-term verbal abuse, when the mask of “love bombing” fell off (after about one month of “re-friending”), the truth came out.
Oh, no, he wasn’t an alcoholic, he said, when confronted. He declared he’d just “had a drinking problem”.
He wasn’t abusive, he insisted, it was that I had just “misunderstood what he said,” and/or I didn’t realize “he was just joking.”
Fortunately, all my “spidey senses” with regard to a relationship with an abuser were on high alert, so “No Contact” with him was quickly reinstated.
However, in the seven years of previous NC, had I not done the hard, constant work of counseling, researching, and working with a strong, experienced support group, I would have likely fallen for the following exchange that occurred several times in the initial, “love bombing” stage:
“I’m sorry,” he’d say, with a repentent look on his face.
“For what?” I’d reply, to the sudden pronouncement.
“Fill in the blank,” he’d respond, though at first, he also added how he’d been selfish and controlling. Just in general. Mind you.
But–and here was the trick–when confronted with the SPECIFICS, he was/is still in denial.
This time, it took less than four days to resume my life–not the over forty YEARS it took the first time.
Yes, You are right: they’re not changed until they’re changed.
Hello, P. Thank you for sharing your own insights here.
You are so right. Specifics are key, and when abusers fail to provide them – well, then we know the truth, the hurtful truth.
Thanks as always, for stopping by.
I hope life is treating you well.
– Cindy
Cindy,
I’m just beginning to read your posts and I’m very impressed. I counsel victims of psychological abuse and try to give them options and ways to cope. I was in a couple of these relationships myself and escaped. Then I watched my daughter go through the same thing.
It has been so long since I’ve been in these bad relationships that I’ve forgotten the pain involved. The memories have faded; the tears dried up long ago. That’s a wonderful thing for my own heart, of course, but not great as I’m trying to relate and understand my clients. Reading what you say and the responses from others helps me to remember without being abused any further myself. It is helping me to help others. I will be sending these sweet ladies to your site for further guidance. Thank you.
Hello, Donna. Thank you for taking the time to peruse the website and provide me with your feedback. I am honored…
I’m sorry you have endured much the same as I and so many others have, but I’m glad you are out and helping others along in their journeys. 🙂
Please feel free to let me know if you are looking for information on a subject of particular interest, and I will do what I can to assist!
May God richly bless your work! And thanks for stopping by…
Cindy