Category Archives: trauma

abuse, belief system, betrayal, biblical divorce, conflict, confusion, controlling abuse, cruelty, divorce, emotional abuse, faith, fear, humiliation, hypocrisy, judgment, marriage, perfectionism, shame, trauma

He Really Believes…

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In my conversations with abuse victims, the above phrase is something I can typically expect to hear.

It begins with “He* really believes…” and ends with:

…his way is the right way.

…I’m the one with the problem.

…I don’t understand him.

…I should just trust him.

…he is justified in treating me the way he does.

…I’m a lousy wife.

Does he really believe those things?  If he does, then to my way of thinking, there are only two options.  Either: 1) he is painfully delusional, or 2) he is doing everything in his power to convince you that he believes those things of you.

Why would he do that?

Continue reading He Really Believes… →

abuse, belief system, biblical divorce, Christianity, church denial, conflict, divorce, domestic violence, family dysfunction, leaving an abuser, marriage, reconciliation, religion, remarriage, shame, trauma, unsafe home

My New Book on Christian Marriage Counseling Is Now Available!

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“Reformulating the Christian Marriage Counseling Model Where Abuse Is Involved” is now available on Amazon as a paperback and a Kindle e-book.
 
This book is a culmination of my experiences in the counseling environment coupled with the 12 years I have spent ministering to victims of abuse. I have heard countless stories from many who have been shamed, blamed, and ostracized by their Christian counselors, pastors, family members and believing friends for leaving their abusers or divorcing them.
 
But why?
 
It is painfully apparent that the common Christian marriage counseling model begins with a lack of biblical understanding when it comes to God’s heart for marriage, as well as His directives to identify genuinely wicked people in our midst and protect the innocent.
 
The book reveals how the entrenched belief that “God hates divorce” has resulted in a process that elevates the design to “save the marriage” above the safety of those being harmed.  I will reveal the true meaning of this Scripture – and others.  Sadly, as a result of this and other related teachings, quite often legalism reigns, compassion fails and the abuse continues. 

“Reformulating the Christian Marriage Counseling Model Where Abuse Is Involved” takes in in-depth look at the common counseling model, identifies why the model fails when abuse has permeated the relationship, and presents a new model that utilizes processes and supports outcomes based on the truth that marriage is sacred, not merely in status, but in substance.
 
“Faced with the abuser’s lies and half-truths [in the counseling environment], a victim will almost always struggle to present her case – a case she would not feel pressured to make if she was removed from her abuser’s presence from the outset and placed in a safe environment where she is free to reveal anything and everything without fear.
 

“In a couples counseling setting, the victim will likely receive little, if any, actual counsel and emotional support that ministers to her.  The ultimate objective of “saving the marriage” coupled with the goal of “helping” the abuser essentially leaves her on the sidelines. 

“Her traumatic experiences and the wounds she carries as a result seem to be less of a concern.  She feels compelled to remain in a relationship with someone she has no reason to trust laden with an obligation to be patient and prayerful, believing that restoration must surely lie somewhere in the distance.  By default, what she wants or needs may well be deemed essentially irrelevant.

“This is wrong.”

The book will provide victims with insight as to what to look for in a counselor and the counseling process.  Similarly, the book will benefit pastors, lay counselors, licensed counselors, and church leaders as well as Christian college and seminary faculty and instructors who are willing to look at the common Christian marriage counseling model and consider why it may fail and how it should be reformulated where abuse is involved.
 
Tim Yarbrough, President of Greengate Enterprises wrote:
 
“I have received and read through your latest book.  What an incredible and much-needed analysis of the present model.  As I shared with our circle of counselors and advocates here:  “This book is not a challenge to the present model of counseling involving abuse – it is a much-needed frontal assault.”  This will be required reading for all of those entering our local training.  Thank you.”
 
The book is $14.95 as a paperback and $4.99 as an e-book.  You can find it here.
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abuse, belief system, biblical divorce, children, Christianity, church denial, conflict, disrespect, divorce, domestic violence, emotional abuse, enabling, faith, fear, God's faithfulness, hypocrisy, leaving an abuser, marriage, religion, shame, trauma, wisdom

Wisdom in the Counsel of Many?

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“Without consultation, plans are frustrated, but with many counselors they succeed.”  Proverbs 15:22

We know there is wisdom in the counsel of many.  Even in the midst of overwhelming heartache and confusion, we may have some vague idea of what we want or need to do, but out of a sincere desire to do the right thing, we prefer to secure a measure of validation from others before we proceed.

Unfortunately, when dealing with an abusive spouse, some of our most well-meaning advisers may offer up various measures of godly-sounding legalism rather than the kind of balanced, practical support that the one living in the cross-hairs of an abuser desperately needs.

Continue reading Wisdom in the Counsel of Many? →

abuse, belief system, biblical divorce, Christianity, church denial, conflict, denial, domestic violence, emotional abuse, enabling, faith, fear, leaving an abuser, marriage, recovery, trauma

Trusting Your Instincts

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If you have followed me for any period of time or read some of my articles, you may know that I encourage those in abusive relationships to trust their instincts, to listen to what their hearts – and the Spirit of God – are saying to them.  Please forgive what may be redundant for some of you, as I share an important message with those who may need it.

Unfortunately, I learned the hard way the value of listening to that Voice above all others – even my own.  As a believer in Jesus and the living God who sent Him, I believe that our instincts are absolutely connected to the presence of the Spirit moving in our lives.  Yet how often do we choose to diminish, ignore or override what we sense to be right or wrong?  The issue is whether we are willing to live our lives without apology in the light of an uncomfortable truth or choose instead to defer – even with the best of intentions – to other, lesser voices.

Continue reading Trusting Your Instincts →

abuse, betrayal, Christianity, conflict, confusion, cruelty, domestic violence, faith, fear, recovery, religion, trauma

The Trauma of Betrayal

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“For it is not an enemy who reproaches me, then I could bear it; nor is it one who hates me who has exalted himself against me, then I could hide myself from him.  But it is you, a man my equal, my companion and my familiar friend…”  Psalm 55:12-13

Betrayal.

I’m almost certain that the majority of those who read this have at one time or another experienced the trauma of betrayal, a moment when someone you trusted broad-sided you, leaving a cavernous wound on your heart – the gravest kind of wound, the kind of wound that may never really heal completely.  It is a wound that has changed the way you see people and perhaps even made you cynical as to whom you may be willing to trust going forward and to what degree.

You didn’t do anything to deserve what that person did to you, but he or she did it anyway.  Your trust was so steady that you didn’t see it coming, never imagined for a moment that your spouse or friend or family member was capable of inflicting such pain without flinching, without remorse, without regret.

The knowledge of what that person did produced – and may still incite – an ongoing and perhaps overwhelming burden of grief, doubt or even despair.

Yet even as you try to move on and live as though the matter has been addressed, the secret burden remains, and you may even feel guilty or wonder whether you have become bitter because you can’t seem to shake it, can’t figure out a way to get past it.  The traumatic event is replayed over and over again in your mind, as you try to reconcile what you experienced with what you believed.

Then there are those who will tell you, “It’s time to get over it.  Forgive as Christ forgave you.  Remember that love covers a multitude of sins.  Seventy times seven.”  But those easily offered platitudes may do nothing to explain what transpired or do anything to help heal the wound.

No doubt you have tried to let it go and move on.  But the question haunts you: Why? Did your offender betray you out of selfishness or resentment or envy?  Did you unintentionally offend them in some manner that could justify their decision to come against you so cruelly?  Did your relationship mean so little that sacrificing your heart to their will constituted a moment of pleasure or victory for them?

Those of you who have been betrayed may never really understand why it happened.  But the bottom line is that you were betrayed.  And although your offender’s actions were a reflection of their character, not yours, the questions remain:  How can you fully trust anyone ever again? How can you keep from being blindsided the next time?  How will the wound ever heal?

I believe the answers lie in time and truth.

Time:  No one – and I mean no one – can tell you how long you are allowed to grieve such a deep wound.  That is between you and God.  And grieving requires acknowledging:

  • the one who inflicted the wound;
  • the possibility that your offender may never be safe for you;
  • the depth of the pain associated with the event itself; and
  • (perhaps most importantly and the most difficult part of all); an understanding that neither your offender nor the offense committed against you hold the power to define you.

It may take time – a great deal of time – but I know that every one of us has an opportunity as well as the privilege and God-given authority to relinquish our identity as a victim and walk in our identity as a victor.  And, yes, ultimately it will be to your benefit to forgive your offender.  Doing so does not obligate you to return to relationship but simply releases you from the unhealthy bond you have with that person.

Truth: I think it is important to acknowledge that our Lord understands betrayal.  He was betrayed too, not only by Judas, but by each one of us at one time or another.  And He saw it all – everything that happened to you.  He knows full well the weight of the grief you carry.

Identifying the truth in your life also means seeing past the person you thought your offender was and seeing more clearly the nature of his or her heart and motives, whatever they may be.  Perhaps that person has acknowledged what happened and apologized.  But only you know whether that apology was sincere and whether it justifies the risk of entering into relationship again.  Trust your instincts and measure the risk, no matter what anyone else imposes upon you as your obligation.

Ultimately, the truth is that you may never receive the kind of resolution you seek with the one who inflicted that terrible wound, but you can receive healing from the nail-scarred hands of the ultimate Healer and walk in the victory and peace He has already secured for you.  That is what I would wish and hope for – for all who know the trauma and heartache of betrayal.

“As for me, I shall call upon God, and the Lord will save me.  Evening and morning and at noon, I will complain and murmur, and He will hear my voice.  He will redeem my soul in peace from the battle against me…”  Psalm 55:16-18a

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You might also want to read, “The Truth About Reconciliation.”

Cindy Burrell/Hurtbylove.com

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