“Reformulating the Christian Marriage Counseling Model Where Abuse Is Involved” is now available on Amazon as a paperback and a Kindle e-book.
This book is a culmination of my experiences in the counseling environment coupled with the 12 years I have spent ministering to victims of abuse. I have heard countless stories from many who have been shamed, blamed, and ostracized by their Christian counselors, pastors, family members and believing friends for leaving their abusers or divorcing them.
But why?
It is painfully apparent that the common Christian marriage counseling model begins with a lack of biblical understanding when it comes to God’s heart for marriage, as well as His directives to identify genuinely wicked people in our midst and protect the innocent.
The book reveals how the entrenched belief that “God hates divorce” has resulted in a process that elevates the design to “save the marriage” above the safety of those being harmed. I will reveal the true meaning of this Scripture – and others. Sadly, as a result of this and other related teachings, quite often legalism reigns, compassion fails and the abuse continues.
“Reformulating the Christian Marriage Counseling Model Where Abuse Is Involved” takes in in-depth look at the common counseling model, identifies why the model fails when abuse has permeated the relationship, and presents a new model that utilizes processes and supports outcomes based on the truth that marriage is sacred, not merely in status, but in substance.
“Faced with the abuser’s lies and half-truths [in the counseling environment], a victim will almost always struggle to present her case – a case she would not feel pressured to make if she was removed from her abuser’s presence from the outset and placed in a safe environment where she is free to reveal anything and everything without fear.
“In a couples counseling setting, the victim will likely receive little, if any, actual counsel and emotional support that ministers to her. The ultimate objective of “saving the marriage” coupled with the goal of “helping” the abuser essentially leaves her on the sidelines.
“Her traumatic experiences and the wounds she carries as a result seem to be less of a concern. She feels compelled to remain in a relationship with someone she has no reason to trust laden with an obligation to be patient and prayerful, believing that restoration must surely lie somewhere in the distance. By default, what she wants or needs may well be deemed essentially irrelevant.
“This is wrong.”
The book will provide victims with insight as to what to look for in a counselor and the counseling process. Similarly, the book will benefit pastors, lay counselors, licensed counselors, and church leaders as well as Christian college and seminary faculty and instructors who are willing to look at the common Christian marriage counseling model and consider why it may fail and how it should be reformulated where abuse is involved.
Tim Yarbrough, President of Greengate Enterprises wrote:
“I have received and read through your latest book. What an incredible and much-needed analysis of the present model. As I shared with our circle of counselors and advocates here: “This book is not a challenge to the present model of counseling involving abuse – it is a much-needed frontal assault.” This will be required reading for all of those entering our local training. Thank you.”
The book is $14.95 as a paperback and $4.99 as an e-book. You can find it here.
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Congratulations on the new book, Cindy! I just ordered my copy yesterday and cannot wait to read it.
My experience 15 years ago with Christian marriage counseling for an abusive marriage proved horrendous! It left me feeling even more hopeless and thinking that if a counselor wouldn’t help me, then no one would. So, I told my ex that I didn’t want to go back and he said to me, “Good, do not ever do this again!”, meaning, don’t ever tell me you want to go to counseling and shape up. I simply succumbed to that marriage and was a completely broken woman. Makes me so sad to remember it.
Two and a half years later, he walked out. Not sure how I survived it that long, but I did, although I was a shell of a person.
I did eventually see a Christian counselor for myself who was wise to the way of abuse and she helped me find my way, and see my worth, after all those years.
Thank you for all you do, Cindy, to speak out for those that often times have their voices silenced because of abuse.
Blessings,
Amy
Hello, Amy. I’m always happy to see your name in my inbox. I appreciate your kind comments and support.
I hope you will let me know your thoughts on the book once you’ve had time to peruse it!
Blessings always,
Cindy
Hi I am new to your blog and still doubting whether what I am going through in my marriage is actually abuse. My husband has not been employed for the past 20 years and stays home to look after our child. He takes good care of our child.
With regards to finances, he is irresponsible and cannot seem to save money. We have a joint account to which my salary is credited and he takes charge of this account. I have to push him each month to put aside some money otherwise he will not do it. He gets upset when I put some money away for savings.
Yet each month, money is missing in the account and there is no explanation from my husband. This has been going on for very long. So for the past few years, I have been saving some money and putting it away in a bird’s nest for our future. I am almost near retirement age.
A counselor I saw said that I was concealing money and having secret accounts. If I did not do this we will probably go hungry in the future. She did not address the issue that my husband secretly has been taking money and I have no idea what he is doing with it.
Is what I am doing ungodly and financial infidelity?
Ruth
With regards to money, he is hopeless
Hello, Ruth. I’m glad to hear from you but so sorry to read of what you are going through. I will share from the outset that I think your counselor’s advice is one-sided and wrong.
Based on what you shared, it is apparent that you are doing what you believe must be done since he is putting his wants and needs above the family’s interests. He has been deceiving and dishonoring you by spending money without accounting for it and seems unmoved and unapologetic by your requests for transparency – which should be understood in any marriage. He has undermined your trust in him through his deception and secret-keeping (which is the same thing as lying).
Although he is not overtly abusive, he seems to have an entitlement mindset. What he is conveying to you and your family is that he is going to claim what he wants, and he doesn’t care how his actions financially affect you, your family or your future. That’s selfishness, not love.
Feel free to write as you have need. You can email me privately at cindyburrell@hurtbylove.com if you’d like.
In Him,
Cindy