Category Archives: conflict

The Messages Your Abuser is Sending

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.” – Laurell K. Hamilton

One afternoon many years ago, before I had children, I was gardening in the front yard of our little house when I saw a woman emerge from her home a few doors down.  Clearly in a rage, she walked briskly to the street where her car was parked as a boy of about 8 years old ran close behind.  The boy was clearly crying and called out to her as she got into her car and slammed the car door.

“Where are you going, Mom?” he said, clearly distraught.

She didn’t respond or even turn to acknowledge him but put the key into the ignition and turned it.

“Where are you going?  Please don’t go!” he fairly yelled, even as he called out to her.  “Where are you going, Mom?  When are you coming back?”

She ignored him and drove away, her young son standing barefoot alone in the street weeping as the car pulled away.  He then ran into the house, crushed by his mother’s response to him.  It was a heart-wrenching incident to witness.

 Whatever happened after that, I’m not sure that anything or anyone could ever completely erase that child’s terrible memory of his mother’s decision to drive away without any acknowledgement of his terror.  That morning, she sent him a message that had the potential to color that child’s life.  In that singular moment, without using any words, the woman told her son that he didn’t matter.

The truth is that every day, through our words and actions, we send messages to those around us.  And if I may be so bold, I think that the messages we send to those with whom we come into contact may be narrowed down to two.  Either “You matter” or “You don’t matter.”

Of course we may have contact with many people during a given day, and some interactions are simply in passing or of a benign nature – neither overtly favorable nor unfavorable, yet even in casual interactions, our words and body language hold the power to convey what we all need to know – we matter.  But even in the presence of our local bank teller, the server at our favorite restaurant or the cashier at the grocery store, just acknowledging those around us, looking them in the eye, and offering them a smile and a ‘thank you’ tells real people with real lives and real wounds and needs that they matter.  I don’t know of a greater gift we can give to people that literally costs us nothing.

Even more so, within our intimate circle of friends, co-workers and particularly our family members, the messages we send and receive can have a powerful impact.  Having recovered (mostly) from my 20 years of living with an abuser, I realize now that my former husband’s almost exclusive message to me was:  “You don’t matter” or perhaps even more hurtful:  “I matter, and you don’t.”

The only thing that really mattered was him – what he wanted, when and how he wanted it.  Anything else was an issue, a problem, an inconvenience.  Anything less than perfection (from me) was cause for criticism, condemnation and/or correction.  Even when everything seemed outwardly acceptable, he could find an excuse to be discontent.  He made sure I knew that, at the end of the day, I really didn’t matter, for nothing I did or said would ever be sufficient.  The smallest measure of love and acceptance I sought was consciously – and cruelly – withheld.   There were times when he was happy – when he got whatever it was he wanted, but even in those brief moments of peace, I know now it didn’t matter to him one way or another whether I was happy or not.

“You don’t matter.”

All abuse victims know the feeling.  Yet in the midst of our unhealthy relationships, we believe we can convince our abuser that we matter.  It is what we live for.  We become almost exclusively preoccupied with finding a way to prove ourselves, to earn value and acceptance in his* eyes.  Most of what we do is heavy-laden with the hope that perhaps tomorrow, through his words and his actions, the doubt will be erased.  He will finally convey once and for all time the message we desperately long to receive from him:  “You matter.  You are special.  You are wonderful.  You are worthy of the deepest love and respect and care.”  

But in my case, as in the case of so many others, tomorrow didn’t come.

So the question is, “What are the messages he is sending you?”

When he is unpredictable, manipulative, sarcastic, hostile, angry, selfish and cruel, then he is sending you a message.  “I am dissatisfied with you.  You are failing to make me happy, so you are not allowed to be happy.”

When he controls the finances and decides that he needs a new truck when you and your children are in dire need of basic necessities, he is saying, “What I want is more important than what you need.”

When he refuses to lift a finger to help with any of the household responsibilities or complains when things aren’t done to his standard, he is saying, “You need to do more, while I am free to do whatever I want – or nothing at all.”

When he trumps the plans you have made to suit his own, or he simply doesn’t want you to have time to yourself, he is telling you he alone decides whether or when you may go anywhere or do anything.  Your plans and needs for relationship and social interaction mean nothing, while his plans are not even subject to debate.

When he decides to move your family away from your friends and other sources of emotional support, and he doesn’t even invite your perspective before making the decision, he is telling you that he doesn’t care how you (or your kids) are affected by his decisions.

When, even knowing how physically exhausted you are, he wakens you in the middle of the night or early in the morning and insists that you be sexually responsive to him, he is reminding you that his sexual needs matter more than your need for rest.

When he criticizes you, curses at you, calls you names, yells at you for the slightest thing or tells you that you are lucky he puts up with you, his design is to convince you that you are inadequate, that there is something wrong with you, that you don’t matter.

But you do matter, although your abuser wants to make sure you don’t figure that out.  If he is conveying these messages to you, then know he is deliberately trying to keep you down, convince you that you are unworthy of love, and make you feel obligated to try ever harder.  Know that he is neither innocent nor ignorant, but rather he knows exactly what he is doing.  He is simply a liar, a tyrant, a control freak, a manipulator and a bully.

He is an abuser.

And if your abuser is anything like mine, he will occasionally toss out, “You know that I love you…”  Those few words are specifically designed to disarm you, to dare you to believe the words rather than the overwhelming measure of evidence to the contrary.

If the messages he is sending you fail to convey not only that you matter but how much you matter in real and practical terms, then you must claim that truth for yourself.

Looking back on my own history, I can see the emotional trauma my former husband inflicted on my heart through his words, attitudes, behaviors and even simple body language – a glare, a shake of the head, a slamming of the door.  For so many years, I felt much like that barefoot little boy standing in the street, wondering if the person who mattered most in my life would one day assure me of my love-worthiness, show me that I mattered.

So do yourself a favor and take a step back.  Watch and listen and analyze what his words and actions are saying.

  • Is his love conditional and always subject to doubt?
  • Does he try to make you feel inadequate?
  • Does he imply that you are a burden?
  • Does he infer that he is merely tolerating you?
  • Do his wants and needs matters above all?

If his messages to you are that you don’t matter, then (in my humble opinion) you may presume that you are living with an abuser.

Someone who loves you will make you a priority, invest in your life, ask for your perspective, do whatever he can to ensure that your needs and desires are met, accept you as you are, and prize you and make you feel special.  Someone who loves you will demonstrate in a thousand different ways you are absolutely worthy of love – that you matter.

Because you do.  ###

*Although abusers may be of either gender, abusers are predominantly male; therefore the abuser is referenced here in the masculine.  The reader’s understanding is appreciated.

Coyright 2018, All Rights Reserved

Family Culture or Family Cult?

“Transgression speaks to the ungodly within his heart; there is no fear of God before his eyes.”

Psalm 36:1

Every family has its own unique culture, a structure, and a flavor woven through it that begins with the parental relationship and filters down to the children.  Each family culture is defined by priorities, interpersonal relationships, and the power pyramid, which incorporates authority, family rules, boundaries and expectations.

Entire books have been written on this subject, so let’s summarize this dynamic by acknowledging that priorities may include a balance of personal responsibilities and social activities, as well as household expectations that incorporate chores, obligations and cooperation.  Some family cultures are obviously healthier than others, and some are downright destructive.  In this regard, I have come to believe that abusive households are not merely a less healthy family culture but more akin to a family cult.

To get a better glimpse of the home-based cult dynamic, let’s take a look at some basic descriptors that define a cult and compare it to the structure of an abusive home.

All-knowing leadership. The leader claims to be sent by God to rule and make all decisions. What he thinks and believes is law.

No room for differences. Members must believe exactly the same way and in exactly the same things; there is no room for negotiation or disagreeing with the leader’s rules or doctrines or doing anything outside of the set limitations.

Scriptures get an added twist. Bible verses are often taken out of context or twisted to mean whatever accommodates the leader’s agenda.

All others are wrong.  The cult leader asserts that God has given him the role of pointing out “heretical and evil” attitudes and behavior that don’t fall in line with his viewpoint.  Furthermore, followers are expected to defend the family structure no matter how rigid, cold, impersonal or impractical it may be.

Works prove faith. The leader often claims his efforts are superior to those performed by everyone else.  For this reason, all members of the family must demonstrate absolute abeyance, a commitment to perfectionism, devotion, the preservation of image, and an expectation that all family secrets will be kept.

The high standard applied to family members does not apply to the leader.  The leader is exempt from the expectations he imposes on others. Calling attention to the leader’s hypocrisy may result in painful retribution.

Safety is a big unknown.  The leader bases his measure of approval of family members on performance and accommodation.  Members operate under the constant fear of criticism, judgment and punishment.

No exit. Leaving is not an option.  Intimidation and the ever-present threat of physical, emotional, social or even financial pain are used to deter members from escaping.  Those who dare to question or leave the overly controlling environment will be condemned as traitors and treated as such.[i]

Although what is described above is consistent with a cult structure, it is also verifiably consistent with the kind of dynamic found in abusive households.

Family members suffering under abusive, dictatorial rule are often deprived of power, permission or resources; therefore, the intent to break free of the family cult comes with a substantial measure of fear and intimidation.  Escaping requires:

  • a sober recognition of the immoral, irrational dynamic that the cult leader has created in spite of heavy and ongoing indoctrination;
  • a courageous willingness to reject the authority of the leader and other family members and his allies; and
  • the determination to take the actions necessary to escape under threat of condemnation, demonization, isolation and other forms of emotional or practical punishment.

Those leaving a religious cult will almost certainly be welcomed, embraced and protected by many churches from the cult leader’s influence and his design to reclaim his victim(s), while providing victims with the opportunity to detox, enjoy restoration, and come to a full knowledge of the truth.  Unfortunately, when those wishing to flee a destructive, cult-like, abusive family seek out people of faith for support (pastors, Christian counselors and fellow believers), those who might be inclined to aid victims leaving a religious cult may be the very ones who try to prevent victims who are desperate to escape a home-based one.

Christian leaders and counselors should be guardians of truth – and therefore equipped to identify untruth.  Sadly, many religious folks tend to rationalize that these small but toxic sects are somehow benign or even valid when it comes to the family cult leaders’ hyper-controlling brand of authority.

Rather than identify the painful reality and support victims in their pursuit of freedom, home-bound cult victims may be encouraged to remain in the abusive environment.  We might expect hurting family members to be told that, rather than escaping, they should view their role as some kind of divine calling to be ever more respectful, obedient, encouraging and forgiving toward their leader.  In these situations, the powers that me may insist that demonstrating love is more important than rejecting the cult leader’s false teachings and sacraments, his demands for unquestioned loyalty and the fearsome power structure he uses to hold them captive.  Only because the man is a husband or a father does he somehow escape scrutiny.  This reality is absolutely bizarre, backward and overtly harmful.

It would seem obvious that family members who have lost their identity, their value and their voice to a home-based power-monger-cult-leader could expect to receive support in their pursuit of freedom from those in the body of Christ.  If only that was the case.

Thankfully, there are some who “get it,” the passionate few who possess the knowledge, experience and history to be able to identify the dysfunction and the emotional trauma caused by family-based cults.  It is these who are willing and able to educate and empower victims, to give the hurting the support and tools they need to escape and reclaim their lives.  Of course, I am happy to help, but I would also like to share links to a few other exceptional ministries in this regard:

Speaking Truth in Love Ministries

Emotional Abuse Survivor

Unholy Charade

When you see this cult-like dynamic or anything similar, take the time to encourage potential victims in their quest to get the support they need so they can break free and begin to live healthy, balanced, abuse-free lives.

[i] Don Veinot, “Defining a Cult,” Christianity Today, July/August 2001, accessed internet 6/9/2017; http://www.christianitytoday.com/iyf/2001/julaug/definition-of-cult.html

(Although abusers can be of either gender, the overwhelming majority of abusers are male; therefore, the abuser is referenced in the masculine.  The reader’s  understanding is appreciated.)

Copyright 2017

Lessons in Crazy-Making

Lessons in Crazy-Making

It was not just a bad night among many, it was an insane night.  Our four kids were all asleep in their beds when my husband and I got into an argument about something rather menial, but he quickly escalated into a rage.  Having no success in calming him, concerned for the kids and seeing the extreme manner of his response, I simply said, “I think you need to leave.” 

At that point, he exploded.

“Oh, you want me to leave, do you!?  Well, if that’s what you want, then that’s what you’ll get!”  He immediately went out into the garage and grabbed a couple of suitcases, returned and marched upstairs, tromping as he went while he continued his tirade.  I followed him up the stairs and tried to calm him down and asked him to be quiet so as not to wake the kids, but this was his moment to make a scene.  He went into the bedroom, tossed the suitcases on the bed and began grabbing his clothes from the closet and loading them up.  He grabbed his conga drums and other instruments, dragged them downstairs and began loading them and other favorite possessions into his van.

 “I’m asking you to leave until you can calm down,” I tried to explain. 

 “You said you want me to leave, so that’s what I’m going to do!”  

It wasn’t long before the kids were awakened.  When they came out of their rooms rubbing their eyes and asking about all the commotion, their father loudly told them that I was making him leave.  They all gathered together on the eldest daughter’s bed, held one another and cried, while I worked to convince the man that he was being irrational (which didn’t go over too well) while simultaneously trying to assure the kids that everything would be okay. 

 After about 45 minutes of loading up his van, he came in and told me he was tired and was going to go to bed and would finish up in the morning.

 “Fine,” I conceded.  He went to bed, I was able to get our somewhat traumatized kids back to their beds, and I slept in the sofa-bed downstairs, where I had been sleeping for months. 

The next morning, I woke early and called my supervisor at work to let him know I would not be in, as my husband was moving out, and I needed to make some arrangements for the kids.  I got the kids off to school, returned home and was drinking a cup of coffee at the kitchen table when my husband slowly trudged downstairs.  Seeing me in the kitchen, he said calmly, “What are you doing home?”

“I stayed home to take care of the kids,” I reminded him, “since you’re leaving.”

He gave me an incredulous look and shook his head as though I had lost my mind.  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.  I’m not going anywhere,” he said, and retreated back upstairs to take a shower.

I would like to say that I was surprised by the absurdity of it all at that moment, but I wasn’t.  My former husband had obtained pro status when it came to responding severely and irrationally.  By the final year of our marriage, the word I mentally used to describe our relationship was “insane.”  It was. Continue reading Lessons in Crazy-Making

The Sympathy Bond

It is a strange thing to comprehend:  most of us as abuse victims actually feel sorry for the person abusing us.  Why is that?  How can it be that, after all he* has put us through, we choose to see this person who treats us contemptuously as a fragile, hapless creature worthy of our patience and understanding?

In my own experience and having had the opportunity to work directly with many victims, there are several things that may keep us feeling sorry for the guy – and subsequently bound to him. Continue reading The Sympathy Bond

Identifying Financial Abusers and Their Tactics

Early in our marriage, my husband and I worked cooperatively on budgeting and saving.  We came to an understanding that neither of us would make any major purchases until we discussed them and agreed upon them.  But as the years passed, something shifted – and not in a good way.

When balancing our checkbook virtually every month, I would discover significant cash withdrawals that my husband had made, but with nothing material to show for them.  When asked where the money was going, he would reply, “Good things.  All good things.”

On many evenings, as I paid the bills and tried to budget the little that remained, I had to will myself not to cry.  My husband would walk by me sitting there, pat me on the shoulder and say patronizingly, “You’ll figure it out.” And, yes, I always found a way to make ends meet, but barely.  I suppose he knew I would, which only substantiated his increasingly spend-aholic ways. 

Then there were the times later in our marriage when I found large sums of money stashed away in a drawer or the linen closet. When confronted, he would say that that was his money, perhaps from a bonus he said he had received at work.  Not only did I not believe him, but it didn’t matter to me where the money came from when our household had legitimate needs.  I reminded him that he had a wife and children who should be a priority, but he usually dismissed me and affirmed that he had more important things in mind – like buying a new shotgun or saving for a new set of conga drums.  Month after month money continued to mysteriously disappear from our bank account. 

After the divorce, it became apparent that at least a portion of those funds had been spent at local strip clubs.  But even that couldn’t account for one-tenth of the financial – and emotional – damage the man had done to me and our children. 

Recognizing that the abuser’s desire for power and control are at the core of the abusive relationship, it should come as no surprise that finances will likely be impacted as well.  Continue reading Identifying Financial Abusers and Their Tactics