Predator or Prey?
“…be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might.”
Ephesians 6:10
When living in an abusive household, there is no truly safe place, no easy answers, and no best response to a given situation, because the world revolves around the abuser’s* wants and needs, which are ever-changing. This kind of unstable environment has profound impacts on wives – the abuser’s primary victims – and children.
Many of us have been taught that, as believers, we are not to judge lest we be judged. The inference is that judging others is always wrong. If we don’t want to find ourselves judged, we should not judge anyone else. Ever.
It almost seems right, but it is a twisting of the truth, and it is little sound-bites like these that often hold us captive, leading us to believe that we have no right to scrutinize others’ character or to identify wicked people among us, particularly those who claim to be fellow believers. Are we really called to accommodate the wicked living in our homes and serving in our churches for fear of being deemed judgmental? Continue reading Judge Not?
For some of you reading this, what I need to share may be difficult to receive; nevertheless, I hope you will consider what I have to say, for I have been where you are…
I know you are determined to fix it, to help the man* to whom you are so devoted, to help him work through whatever pain he is carrying, to love him unconditionally in spite of how he treats you. I know you want to believe that hiding somewhere beneath that prickly exterior is the man who found a way to win your heart however many months or years ago.
I know you want to be strong, to prove to yourself, God, those who know you and the man you live with that no matter how he treats you, you won’t break and you will never give up. You believe that somehow, someday his heart will soften, life will become sweet and safe, and you will both bask in the kind of deep, transcendent love you imagine. I know that each morning you awaken with a new hope that maybe today things will be different. Maybe today he will see you and decide to love you back. Maybe today you will find the key that will unlock his seemingly lost and hurting heart.
“Marriage should never provide a haven for sin.”
For those of us who have been compelled to end our toxic marriages, we may find ourselves condemned by those who passionately assert that marriage is an unbreakable covenant. So we must clarify: 1) What defines the marriage covenant, and 2) Is it unbreakable?
The weighty issue that this is, I think it is appropriate to begin with a brief history lesson.
How is a biblical covenant defined? A covenant is a solemn binding of two or more parties in agreement. It is coupled with oaths or vows and is generally evidenced by a sign. In the case of God’s covenant with Noah, God made a covenant with Noah that He would never again flood the entire earth, and the evidence of God’s vow was the rainbow. Noah’s only role was to receive and proclaim that particular covenant. It was a one-sided, unbreakable covenant, since God was the One who created – and would uphold – it. God also made covenants with Abraham (Genesis 17), Isaac (Genesis 26), Jacob (Genesis 29), Moses and His people (Exodus 19), King David (II Samuel 7) and King Solomon (I Kings 9). There were also covenants established between men – i.e., the covenant between Abraham and Abimelech (Genesis 21) and between Jonathan and David (I Samuel 18), among others.
God initiated the Mosaic covenant, saying, “Now then, if you will indeed obey My voice and keep My covenant, then you shall be My own possession among all the peoples, for all the earth is Mine; and you shall be to Me a kingdom of priests and a holy nation’… And all the people answered together and said, “All that the Lord has spoken we will do!” Exodus 19:5-6, 8
The covenant was commemorated with solemn oaths, and the sign was the Ark of the Covenant which held the ten commandments (evidence of God’s guidance), Aaron’s rod that budded (evidence of God’s protection), and a pot of manna that never decayed (evidence of God’s provision). (Exodus 25)
Yet over time, God’s people forgot their covenant with God and forsook their allegiance to Him.
The Lord God said… “For I solemnly warned your fathers in the day that I brought them up from the land of Egypt, even to this day, warning persistently, saying, “Listen to My voice.” Yet they did not obey or incline their ear, but walked, each one, in the stubbornness of his evil heart; therefore I brought on them all the words of this covenant, which I commanded them to do, but they did not.” Jeremiah 11:7-8
Subsequently, God “divorced” His hard-hearted “bride.”
“…I saw that for all the adulteries of faithless Israel, I had sent her away and given her a writ of divorce, yet her treacherous sister Judah did not fear; but she went and was a harlot also.” Jeremiah 3:8
Our Father-God follows the very prescription for divorce set forth in the law (Deuteronomy 24), which requires 1) legitimate cause, 2) the provision of a writ of divorcement and 3) “sending away” the offending spouse.
Clearly, there are serious consequences for breaking a covenant.
Can God sin? Of course not. Therefore, it cannot be true that divorce is always a sinful act. In fact, the opposite may be true: divorce may reflect the righteous objective of upholding not just the office of marriage, but the sanctity of it.
In marriage, there are three parties to the covenant – the bride and the groom – and God. The man and woman make a solemn agreement before God to uphold the vows that define the expectations and obligations of the covenant. The husband and wife then exchange rings that signify their mutual devotion to one another.
Wedding vows include a promise to love, honor and cherish one another in sickness and in health, for better or worse, richer or poorer and to be faithful sexually to one another until death parts them. These are not singular vows but mutual ones.
Each party in the marriage should be able to anticipate that the spouse will treat them with love, respect and honor, that they will both feel cherished and well cared-for. Should illness befall one, the other will do what is right and necessary to care for the one who is suffering. Through hard times, the couple agrees to remain stalwart in unity, faith and trust.
“For better or for worse” references the natural struggles of life in a hostile world, but they should never justify compelling one marriage partner to tolerate the “worse” behavior of the other partner if it is intentional and/or habitual. Similarly, “richer or poorer” recognizes that financial struggles should not negatively impact the marriage bond. But this oath does not justify one spouse controlling or using resources in such a way as to make the other spouse suffer materially due to selfishness or a lack of self-control.
The covenant vows also mandate faithfulness, particularly with regard to sexuality, but this should also be understood to represent a commitment to keeping our spouse as our highest priority – second only to our relationship with God. These covenant oaths are not just words, but should be viewed as solemn, purposeful and timeless.
Yet all too often, one struggling to live with a neglectful or abusive partner may hear, “Remember: ’til death do us part.” This one phrase among the vows is oddly elevated above all other aspects of the covenant. But that one phrase does not diminish or trump any of the other vows but rather reflects a natural outcome of keeping the oaths that precede it. Death is acknowledged as the final and only force that can ultimately separate a covenant-honoring couple.
Although many teach that keeping the covenant is the highest priority regardless of how it is being lived out, such a teaching ignores, diminishes or brazenly negates the solemnity of the vows and conditions upon which the covenant is founded! A covenant is confirmed by the practical evidences of its sanctity, while the trampling of the marital covenant may rightly incur serious consequences, for marriage should never provide a haven for sin. Such consequences, including the possibility of divorce, should not be taken lightly, but they should also be viewed as a matter of personal conscience before God.
Some will conjecture saying, “No one is perfect. We are all going to make mistakes and fail at times. Should we just ditch our marriages? What about counseling, healing, forgiveness and restoration?” Of course, we must all accept and acknowledge one another’s imperfections and occasional failures, and these do not necessarily represent covenant-breaking; and of course, in hard cases, if there is genuine repentance and the offended party has peace about reconciling, then a redemptive outcome may be possible. But again, these are matters of personal conscience before God which outsiders have no right to judge.
So is marriage a covenant or not? Here, we cannot have it both ways.
If marriage is a covenant, then that covenant is founded upon the oaths that define it. Should those oaths be violated, then serious (and even permanent) consequences may be appropriately imposed. Conversely, if the covenant is deemed absolutely permanent and unbreakable while the oaths that define it are deemed meaningless, then – by definition – you do not have a covenant at all; you have bondage.
So let us soberly acknowledge that marriage was designed to be a sacred covenant, a loving, respectful and unifying relationship that is an earthly reflection of the love relationship between Christ and His bride, the church. (Ephesians 5)
It is precisely this covenant which we must somberly revere and never permit any to mock, pervert or exploit.
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For additional reading, consider “Letter to a Pastor Explaining Biblical Divorce”
Copyright 2018, All Rights Reserved
Cindy Burrell
Consider the gumball machine; it’s a relational analogy that works.
Practically speaking, it should be understood that in any relationship there is a give-and-take dynamic. It should not be a matter of I’m-gonna-get-what-I’ve-got-coming-to-me sort of attitude, but rather a natural, mutual desire to meet the needs of the one we say we care most about. Both people make investments of goodwill for the sake of the other, and both enjoy the benefits of one another’s gracious contributions.
But what happens when one person consistently, intentionally fails to demonstrate love and care toward the person they claim to love?
In an abusive relationship, the enabler-victim in the relationship is almost always in a perpetual struggle to reach the heart of her* abuser. Although he is cold, emotionally cruel and frighteningly unpredictable, she remains committed, believing that her persistent love will reap its intended outcome – a healthy, mutually respectful, intimate partnership. So day after day, by her practical and emotional investment, she puts a nickel into the proverbial gumball machine hoping to receive a small, reasonable return on her investment, if not today, then perhaps tomorrow – or the next day.
She reminds herself to be patient, learns to go without, and tries to dismiss his cruel words and habitual selfishness and neglect. When he is hurtful, she tries to talk to him about her needs and longings, but rather than hearing her, embracing her and endeavoring to remind her of her worth, he instead insists that she is overly sensitive and needy.
Nevertheless, she continues to look for ways to remind him of her love, does those little extra things that she thinks will make him happy and help him to see how hard she is trying, believing that he will one day reciprocate. Over time, she begins to wonder if or when she will receive the kindly attention and genuine affection she craves. As hard and frustrating as it is, day after day she puts her nickels into the gumball machine and expectantly waits to hear the sweet morsel as it tumbles down the chute and falls into the cradled palm of her hand – concrete evidence of his love for her. But as hungry as she is for the reward, it doesn’t come.
As the months or years pass, she might receive an occasional pat on the back or a sterile kind of “You know I love you” from her abuser’s lips, but those words cannot compensate for the countless coins of care she has invested with so little return. Of course, we don’t love our spouse demanding a reward, but realistically, in a marriage, it is perfectly reasonable to expect one – healthy measures of genuine, spontaneous tenderness, affirmation and encouragement. In a practical sense, our spouse’s presence should be the safest place to be. But in an abusive relationship, the abuser expects his victim to keep investing in him while he offers little but endless criticism and a hostile, demanding presence.
So after so many months or years, why would anyone be surprised when the abuse victim leaves? There is no mutual love there. She has been emotionally bankrupted. She has no nickels left to give.
But what happens when she finally leaves? Typically, her abuser will suddenly chase after her. He will offer a one-size-fits-all apology, tell her, “It will never happen again,” and expect her to unquestioningly return to him. And what kind of fallout might she expect should she refuse to buy in? What if she doubts his sincerity, having no reason to trust his words? What if her instincts are telling her that nothing has really changed? What if she feels certain that she must keep her distance?
In most instances, the abuser will soon become angry, and his weary victim will hear, “I said I’m sorry. You need to get over it and forgive me and come back to me.”
With demanding anticipation, he will exclaim, “How dare you keep me waiting? How dare you turn me away? How dare you be so selfish and unfeeling?”
At this point, the truth is that he has invested nothing, so his victim owes him nothing.
Yet the abuser will almost always have the audacity to whine, moan, groan and complain, saying essentially, “Hey, I put in my nickel. Where’s my gumball?”
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*Although abusers can be of either gender, the overwhelming majority of abusers are male; therefore, the abuser is referenced in the masculine. The reader’s understanding is appreciated.
Copyright 2017, All Rights Reserved