It is a strange thing to invest so much energy into convincing yourself
that your relationship is normal only to one day be jolted by the reality that there is nothing normal about it, to be forced to admit that your relationship is patently unhealthy, destructive, and yes, abusive. Continue reading Three Words Every Abuse Victim Needs to Hear
Category Archives: perfectionism
Shame
“There smites nothing so sharp, nor smelleth so sour as shame.” William Langland (English poet, 1332-c. 1386)
It ranks among the most painful incidents of my life, an event I never could have foreseen. It happened during a grueling, four-hour counseling session with my abusive husband – the day before I left him.
At several points in the session, my then-husband stood and raged at me, arms outstretched as I sat terrified in my chair only a few feet away. The counselor did nothing to calm or constrain him (which I now know was highly unprofessional of her). Over so many years, I had grown accustomed to his blistering, if false, accusations, and was so beaten down I didn’t dare offer a defense. When my husband finally sat again, awaiting my response, the counselor turned to me where I sat trembling and asked, “What are you feeling, Cindy?” and at that moment the weight of years of torment shredded my composure. I could muster only, “I’m afraid in my own home.”
The Burden of Perfectionism
One afternoon less than a year into our marriage, I returned to our apartment to find my then-husband waiting impatiently for me in the living room. He didn’t waste a moment before severely scolding me for failing to turn off the stereo receiver before leaving home.
He then launched into an in-depth lecture about the sensitivity of the components and the value of the equipment and insisted that my singular offense was “absolutely unacceptable.” I humbly apologized for the oversight, but he immediately dismissed my apology.
“You have to promise me that will never happen again,” he demanded.
I explained that I would do my best while confessing I could not make such a promise.
“That’s not good enough,” he fumed. “You have to promise me.”