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Verbal and Emotional Abuse – A Primer – Part VII

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Reclaiming Your Life

“Then I will make up to you for the years that the swarming locust has eaten…” Joel 2:25

Catching Your Breath

After living so many years in an abusive relationship and finally finding the strength and the will to leave, you want to believe that everything will get easier.

Many things will probably get easier, and others may become more difficult. Hopefully, a little time and distance away from the abuser will enable you to de-stress and rest. You will begin to catch a glimpse of what life is supposed to be like. Just the freedom to be imperfect is a gift. Awaking in bed alone and at peace is a welcome change from waking up alert and afraid; trying to figure out some new way of protecting yourself from someone who is determined to hurt you.

Continue reading Verbal and Emotional Abuse – A Primer – Part VII →

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Verbal and Emotional Abuse – A Primer Part VI

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Seeing an Abusive Relationship for What It Is

The slow and painful progression from a loving spouse with hopes and dreams has taken the enabler-victim to a place where she has been compelled to ask for help, acknowledge that she is living in an abusive relationship, build a support network and do what she must to protect herself. After years of emotional assault, she is exhausted but determined to demand change.

Many women lack the strength to face their abuser or would clearly be unwise to do so. Physical violence is one short step beyond the verbal, and it may be safer for the victim to simply leave without abuser’s knowledge, taking children out of harm’s way, as well. This is where it is important for abuse victims to have a plan. In developing a support network, she needs to consider safe places where she may stay and get legal protection (such as a legal separation or a restraining order), if necessary. Threats or retaliation should be taken seriously.

Continue reading Verbal and Emotional Abuse – A Primer Part VI →

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Verbal and Emotional Abuse – A Primer – Part IV

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The Downward Spiral

We have followed the trail of the typical emotionally or verbally abusive relationship through the initial shock, rationalization, denial, acceptance and, now, the arrival at a place of perpetual fear and disillusionment.

It is only a matter of time before the enabler-victim finds herself emotionally alone and physically exhausted. Nothing works. Life is a never-ending cycle of heartache and anxiety. Abuse victims may suffer from any number of physical manifestations that may include depression, anxiety, chronic fatigue, insomnia, headaches, stomach ulcers or other digestive disorders, any of which may result from trying to cope with the stress of living in an abusive relationship. It is a high physical and emotional price to pay.

The abuser has an extremely short fuse and is consistently cruel. He will snap at his wife for the slightest thing – or nothing – yet, he still expects her to be there to meet his needs. Walking on eggshells is now the norm for his wife, and the enabler-victim is often too tired to even defend herself. She finds it puzzling that so many people see him as a great guy, and she questions whether she really is responsible for his unhappiness at home.

Tension permeates the home. The victim tries to maintain a semblance of normalcy, but children know something is wrong even when it’s unspoken. Children’s responses are an effective barometer of what may be going on in the household. They may exhibit signs of depression or anxiety, struggle at school or in their friendships, or exhibit other anti-social behaviors in a desperate cry for help.

There is nothing normal here. The victim feels helpless and wonders what in the world she is supposed to do next. Happiness seems virtually unattainable.

The Time Comes to Change Things Up

Now that the victim has finally reached the point where she is desperately miserable, she wants to ask for help, yet it feels like a huge risk to tell anyone what she is going through. Many victims are frightened by the prospect of divorce, but there comes a time when we begin to fantasize about what life might be like without the abuser. The victim feels compelled to open up to someone. Whom can she trust? How much should she share? What if the abuser finds out that she told someone and made him look bad?

It’s terrifying to contemplate opening up after keeping the secrets for so long. (It is ideal to find a counselor experienced in abuse issues, but most victims will take a chance first on a close friend.) She has an abiding fear that the person she confides in might not believe her or may tell her that the problems she is experiencing are, in fact, her fault? Or that, because he isn’t hitting her, she should just keep on trying? (This is common and simply demonstrates that many people haven’t a clue about the very real pain inflicted by verbal and/or emotional abuse.) It takes a great deal of courage to reach out and begin to tell the secrets. She should tell them anyway.

This is a crucial point at which the victim needs to stand on what she knows to be true. If one person will not hear her, she needs to keep opening up (using discretion, of course) until someone does. Organizations familiar with domestic violence will understand and may be able to refer victims to an appropriate counselor and other forms of support.

It is important to note that some victims buckle under the pressure before they have the opportunity to share anything with anyone. They should waste no time and simply get out.

See Part V

Copyright 2010 All Rights Reserved

 

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What Do I Do Now?

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By the time many abuse victims find my website, they are beaten questiondown, emotionally exhausted and thoroughly confused.  They wonder whether their situations are hopeless, what they should do, and where to begin.

To those of you to whom the above applies, I say:

Don’t give up.  You have taken the first step by discovering the truth about abuse.  There is a wealth of information and help available to begin the work necessary to do what you must to reclaim your value and your life.  I, and many others like me, have escaped, survived and recovered.  Every abuse victim has unique circumstances but, if you are willing, the journey toward recovery begins here.  It begins now.

Stop doubting yourself.  Call abuse what it is.  You have probably denied what you have been living with for far too long.

Gather information.  Get your hands on resources that will educate you on the truth about abusive relationships and the roles of abusers and enablers that will help you to acknowledge and identify abuse when it happens, and what to do when it occurs.

Tell your secrets.  Spend some time with people you trust and tell them the truth about your relationship.  You will be validated, and opening up will empower you as you assess the decisions and changes you may need to make in your life.

Develop a support network.  Seek support from a counselor (preferably one knowledgeable in issues relating to abusive relationships), a pastor, an attorney, other abuse survivors, friends, family members and/or a women’s shelter.  Let people know your needs and begin to develop a plan for separation (if it becomes necessary).  If the abuser has threatened to harm you physically or financially, consider getting a legal separation or other legal protection, and develop options for safe alternative housing, financial, employment, child care, etc.

Stop talking and start doing.  Pleading with your spouse or partner to stop hurting you hasn’t worked yet, has it?  Demand change by changing.  (Make the changes you must to take care of yourself recognizing that, although it would be nice to see your spouse change as a result, he may not.)

Don’t confuse compliance with change.  If you separate, let time bear witness of legitimate, heartfelt change.  Beware of magic words, buy-offs and hooks the abuser will almost certainly use to get you back into his domain.

Begin to rebuild your life and your sense of value.  Stop basing your value on his assessment.  He has convinced you that you are not worth loving, and you have been trying to convince him that you are.  Know that if your relationship does not survive, you can still become who you want to be apart from him.

Above all, be safe.  A verbal or emotional abuser may resort to physical control or violence if he feels his control is threatened.  Take all necessary precautions, including keeping a record of threats, harassment, stalking or other actions that may indicate a risk to yourself or any children.  Notify co-workers, friends and family members of such actions and promptly seek a restraining order if it is merited.  In extreme cases, you may need to find living arrangements that are unknown to the abuser, change your phone number, notify your children’s school and provide a copy of a restraining order (should you obtain one), and inform co-workers or supervisors at your place of employment – for your safety and theirs.

And, finally, realize…

There is life beyond abuse.  We enablers become obsessively caught up in his world, trying to earn love and quell his discontent.  We put on an optimistic, cautious smile and pray that maybe today he’ll decide to love us only to discover that we are missing out on the lives we are meant to live.

Abuse is not normal.  Healthy relationships are characterized by acceptance, respect, affection, joy, laughter, contentment, beauty, and peace.  If your abuser won’t allow you to have those things, you need to go find them for yourself.

Copyright 2011, All Rights Reserved

For a more in-depth look at the abusive relationship, you may want to consider ordering, “Why Is He So Mean to Me?” from the Books page.