Tag Archives: conflict

Identifying Financial Abusers and Their Tactics

Early in our marriage, my husband and I worked cooperatively on budgeting and saving.  We came to an understanding that neither of us would make any major purchases until we discussed them and agreed upon them.  But as the years passed, something shifted – and not in a good way.

When balancing our checkbook virtually every month, I would discover significant cash withdrawals that my husband had made, but with nothing material to show for them.  When asked where the money was going, he would reply, “Good things.  All good things.”

On many evenings, as I paid the bills and tried to budget the little that remained, I had to will myself not to cry.  My husband would walk by me sitting there, pat me on the shoulder and say patronizingly, “You’ll figure it out.” And, yes, I always found a way to make ends meet, but barely.  I suppose he knew I would, which only substantiated his increasingly spend-aholic ways. 

Then there were the times later in our marriage when I found large sums of money stashed away in a drawer or the linen closet. When confronted, he would say that that was his money, perhaps from a bonus he said he had received at work.  Not only did I not believe him, but it didn’t matter to me where the money came from when our household had legitimate needs.  I reminded him that he had a wife and children who should be a priority, but he usually dismissed me and affirmed that he had more important things in mind – like buying a new shotgun or saving for a new set of conga drums.  Month after month money continued to mysteriously disappear from our bank account. 

After the divorce, it became apparent that at least a portion of those funds had been spent at local strip clubs.  But even that couldn’t account for one-tenth of the financial – and emotional – damage the man had done to me and our children. 

Recognizing that the abuser’s desire for power and control are at the core of the abusive relationship, it should come as no surprise that finances will likely be impacted as well.  Continue reading Identifying Financial Abusers and Their Tactics

Say the Words

“Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being, and in the hidden part You will
make me know wisdom.”
Psalm 51:6

When my children were young, upon asking them to take a bath or clean their rooms or do their homework, there were those occasions when they would look at me with mischief in their eyes, and I knew in that moment that they were considering testing my patience.  I would just gaze at them and wait for a moment.  Then, before they could protest I would say, “I just need to hear two words.”  Almost without fail, a few moments of tempered silence would pass, and then they would quietly say the words I wanted to hear.

“Okay, Mom.”

There was something about just saying those two simple words that softened their will and almost miraculously set their feet in motion to accommodate my request.

Ah, the power of words.

Continue reading Say the Words

An Abuse Victim’s Secret Fantasy

“He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, but he who walks wisely will be
delivered.” 
Proverbs 28:26

It’s almost exactly 16 years since I left my abusive husband after 18 years of marriage, but I can still remember clearly some of the feelings that overshadowed that dark season.  Having shared many experiences that I thought might be unique to me, I have been amazed at how many of my thought processes are far more common in the lives of other abuse victims than I ever imagined.

Continue reading An Abuse Victim’s Secret Fantasy

Did He Apologize or Not?

Apology:  [uh-pol-uh-jee]:  a written or spoken expression of one’s regret, remorse, or sorrow for having insulted, failed, or wronged another.

One evening several years ago,  a woman with whom I had been corresponding sent me an urgent message.  Only minutes earlier, her estranged husband had shown up unexpectedly on her doorstep with a bouquet of flowers in hand.  The man tearfully professed his love for her, promised her that he would never harm her again and begged her to take him back.  The woman was stunned.  She wanted to believe his words and rush into his arms and receive him back into her life, but something cautioned her to hold back.  She accepted the flowers and calmly told him she needed to think about what he had shared and watched him go. Continue reading Did He Apologize or Not?

The Power of Words

“Now the serpent was more crafty than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made.”  Genesis 3:1aserpent

The word “crafty” used in Genesis 3 describes the serpent that came to the garden.  The word has also been interpreted to read “subtle,” “clever,” “cunning” or “shrewd.”  The description clearly implies that this particular being’s intellect alone posed some kind of a threat. Continue reading The Power of Words