Tag Archives: denial

abuse, belief system, biblical divorce, Christianity, church denial, disbelief, divorce, domestic violence, emotional abuse, faith, hostility, hypocrisy, Jesus, manipulation, marriage, physical abuse, recovery, religion, shame

The See-No-Evil Disconnect: Abandoning Victims to Protect the Status Quo

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“He who justifies the wicked and he who condemns the righteous, both of them alike are an abomination to the Lord.”  Proverbs 17:15

see no evil

It happens all the time.  A victim of abuse finds the courage to step out of the shadows of her shame and fear to reveal the truth about what has happened to her.  The trauma she has endured may be a result of molestation or rape, physical abuse, and/or verbal or emotional abuse.  She wants to believe that, once she shares her terrible secret, the people to whom she reaches out will hear her, validate her and comfort her.  But as horrible and shocking as it may seem, she may not receive what she needs.  For reasons that defy logic, many may rise to defend her perpetrator, and she may instead find herself shamed and shunned and even persecuted.  Such is the absurdity of the See-No-Evil Disconnect.     Continue reading The See-No-Evil Disconnect: Abandoning Victims to Protect the Status Quo →

abuse, biblical divorce, Christianity, conflict, confusion, domestic violence, emotional abuse, faith, hypocrisy, leaving an abuser, manipulation, reconciliation, religion

“I’m Trying”: Setting the Stage for Failure

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crossed fingersAfter separating from my abusive husband, I made it clear that I would not live with him unless and until his attitudes and behaviors changed dramatically.  After a couple of weeks of listening to him whine and complain about my unrealistic expectations, he suddenly entered Alcoholics Anonymous and seemingly found the will to turn his life around.

His overall demeanor took on a hue that appeared consistent with heartfelt repentance and a drastic change of character.  It seemed he had miraculously been awakened from his toxic stupor.  The nasty man was all at once the happy-go-lucky guy who forthrightly apologized to me and our kids for his hostile behaviors and failings.  Suddenly he wanted to play with our kids at the park and seemed more sensitive and respectful toward me.  He spoke in positive, glowing terms and seemed wholly committed to the follow-through to save our marriage and our family.  The man passionately assured me that our dark days were behind us. Continue reading “I’m Trying”: Setting the Stage for Failure →

abuse, belief system, Christianity, conflict, confusion, domestic violence, emotional abuse, faith, fear, loneliness, manipulation, marriage, recovery

What Your Emotions Are Telling You

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SONY DSC

In her book, “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage,” author Leslie Vernick writes, “It’s crucial that you not lose your empathy and compassion even in a destructive marriage… 

One of the things that kills empathy and compassion for someone we once felt love is the buildup of negative emotions, especially resentment.”[i] 

I must assert from the get-go my strong disagreement with Mrs. Vernick’s basic operating premise that our “positive” emotions are to be embraced while our “negative” emotions should essentially be squelched.

Continue reading What Your Emotions Are Telling You →

abuse, belief system, Christianity, conflict, confusion, domestic violence, emotional abuse, faith, manipulation, reconciliation, religion

The Truth About Reconciliation

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“The one who says, “I have come to know Him,” and does not keep His commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him…”  I John 2:4

castle wall

I had the pleasure of hearing Hal Lindsey speak recently on the subject of reconciliation.  He defined the New Testament term for “reconciliation” as the restoration between two or more parties, which is only made possible when the barriers to relationship have been removed.

Mr. Lindsey’s discourse centered beautifully on the redemptive work of Jesus who, through His sacrifice, broke the bond of sin and judgment that separates us from God.  It was Jesus who made reconciliation possible, yet it is conditioned upon our willingness to allow Him to remove the barriers that keep us apart and consent to His lordship, at which point the old things that hold us bound are put behind us, and we are made new and alive in genuine relationship with Him.

Continue reading The Truth About Reconciliation →

abuse, conflict, confusion, domestic violence, emotional abuse, fear, hostility, loneliness, manipulation, marriage, recovery, terror, unsafe home

Trump Cards: The Abuser’s Game-Changer

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ace of spades2“Strange game.  The only winning move is not to play.”  WarGames

You may not even know he holds them, but the odds are good that, if you are in an abusive relationship, you have had these thrown at you more than once.

They are trump cards.

Abusers almost always have a trump card or two tucked into their pockets.  Just when you think that your reasoning might bring about a favorable resolution to a conflict, he pulls one of these babies out and drops it on the table.  Then what do you do?  You’ve just been undermined, shut down and dismissed.  The conversation is over, and you have lost.

 “I don’t care what you think.”

“I didn’t ask for your opinion.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Just go away and leave me alone.”

“I’m done talking to you.”

“I have made my decision.”

“Just do as I say.”

“You will submit to me.”

Continue reading Trump Cards: The Abuser’s Game-Changer →