They don’t want to hear my stories. They refuse to believe what I say.
“Show me your scars,” they tell me, crossing their arms in disdain. “Prove to me the harm he has done. Without physical proof of your pain, I have to assume you have none.”
I suppose it is easy for the outsider to distrust wounds for which there is no physical evidence. And I confess, such indifference further adds to my pain.
If only he would hit me. Sometimes I wish he would. Then they might understand what he has put me through, how much it hurts, that some of the deepest wounds never bleed. Maybe if my bones were broken, if blood flowed from all the hurting places, the cynics and know-it-alls would not be so quick to downplay my fears or tell me that the things he does or says are inconsequential.
If only his emotional beatings left open wounds on my body like the ones he leaves on my heart, then I might gain a wealth of support when I explain why I must leave him. Instead, they tell me that I just need to be more understanding.
They refuse to see what they cannot see. The naïve, the ignorant and the foolish question and criticize and condemn. They are blinded to the sheer number of wounds he has inflicted. Prick them and they easily bleed. But there is no scar and no stain, so those who would be my witnesses shake their heads in reckless disbelief.
They do not see me tearfully trembling in my bed for long, silent hours, tormented by the cruel and unjust things he spouts; feeling utterly lost, lonely and betrayed. And it seems my critics simply cannot fathom the look of hatred in his eyes when the man curses under his breath or simply stares me down in fierce, silent censure.
If only I could make the doubters see what I feel. It seems unfair that the verbal assaults that leave my heart raw and aching leave no traceable evidence. I wish they did. Then the unbelievers might come to my aid. I have to believe they would condemn his behavior, fervently urge me to walk out and never look back. They would stand with me in defense of my children.
Instead I hear them say, “It can’t be that bad. He is not hitting you…”
But, just because he is not hitting me does not mean he is not harming me. Nevertheless, just so they might believe me, there are moments when I wish he would strike me. Perhaps a physical beating would at least enable others to see for themselves the smallest measure of what he has been doing to my heart for all these years. Then again, I don’t think it would come close.
(If you enjoyed this post, you might also like, “Exploiting the Feminine Heart.” )
Copyright 2014
Cindy Burrell
All Rights Reserved
When this post showed up in my inbox I froze at the title. How many times in my previous 20 year marriage I would whisper to myself, “If only he would hit me.”
I knew what he did couldn’t be okay, but without any external bruises I would only sound ridiculous saying he hurt me.
But one time early in our marriage, one time someone actually noticed and didn’t just turn the other way. I still remember that day almost 23 years ago — the day after my first son was born. I needed help with nursing and called for my nurse. While we were waiting for her, my ex kept criticizing me for how I was holding our son and how I wasn’t doing it right. I was almost in tears by the time the nurse came in and while she was helping me my ex loudly and sarcastically announced, “I told her she couldn’t nurse him in that position but she wouldn’t listen!”
What happened next stayed with me for years. That nurse turned to my ex and gave him a look filled with disgust, a look that could have killed. She didn’t say a word to him, but my ex started fidgeting and looked down at the ground as he left the room without a word.
I felt such validation and I held onto that moment for all the years to come. I’ve often wished I could track down that nurse and thank her for simply standing up to him — for standing up for me.
When my ex walked out over 5 years ago and I went to my pastor for help, the first thing he asked me was whether my ex had ever hit me. At that moment I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach and realized I would not get any support from that church. I did have some support, but was mainly treated as if I just made a big deal over his tone of voice and bad choice of words, and as a Godly wife I needed to work towards reconciliation.
I left that church.
And interestingly enough — a year and a half later as my divorce was being finalized I talked with that pastor again. He had come to realize how they had dropped the ball with me and was very surprised I had not gotten divorced yet. He simply said, “don’t you think it’s time to move on?” and I told him that with God’s help I was.
“If only he would hit me” — oh how this post made me cry from the memories it brought up. The trembling, the hate-filled cold looks, and his lack of empathy. I used to say to him, “I just wished you liked me, I just wished you wanted to be my friend.”
I’m glad he never did hit me and I’m extremely glad to not wish for that any longer.
I’m glad to be free.
Oh Cindy, you have spoken my experience out loud once again and I’m grateful. It’s amazing how many times I need to be reassured that I’m not crazy after all.
Blessings for all you and Doug do for us!
Thank you, AJ, for your kind comments and encouragement.
No, you’re not crazy! We’re here for you.
Cindy
Hi, Amy.
I just have to say from the get-go, “God bless that nurse!” Even not saying a word, her actions spoke volumes and gave you a glimpse of the truth in what should have been a sweet, intimate moment all those years ago.
I am sad to say that many women have written me to share similar stories, which is what spawned the piece. It sickens me to know that people can assume that words and behaviors are insufficient means of inflicting our wounds – wounds deeper than can be imagined. But, our God sees and knows and longs to show us the truth and empower us to break the bonds of legalism, break the cycle of abuse, and enjoy the freedom He gives us.
We know how hard it is to stand up against those who say they know better. But what a beautiful thing – to have the affirmation of the One who matters most and to share the truth with others who face similar obstacles.
Thank you for coming by and sharing more of your story. It is a blessing to me and others as well, I am sure.
Cindy
I’ve so totally been where you were for 40 years and, 3 days ago, divorce freed me. Statistics (and my story) show that if you would have stuck around longer, he WOULD have hit you. Abuse only escalates. You have done a wonderful job of putting on paper the thoughts of countless other women. Thank you.
Thank you for your kind comments, Joy.
I have been out of my abusive marriage for more than ten years, now, but I cannot count how many women have shared this kind of sentiment with me. It is heartbreaking.
How horrid it is that people don’t believe abuse victims when they seek affirmation and support.
If they only knew…
I am blessed to know that you have found freedom! Come back and share anytime.
Cindy
A sobering, truthful post. How sad that many of us would wish that “if only he would hit me” … how desperate we have become! No, he may not yell or swear at me. He allows others to demean me and never comes to my rescue. Years of me being told that “I’m an adult and can defend myself” … and then when I defend myself being told by him and family, “Oh stop it. Move on. STOP DEFENDING YOURSELF.” Why don’t they all just hit me???
I too froze when I read the title. I also said those very words so many times. “If only he would hit me”. Then maybe I would get the help and support I needed to leave him. Then people would believe me. People would step forward to stand with and protect myself and my children. People would see the monster behind the quiet demeanor and the dress shirt and tie that sat quietly in the chair every church service. The church counsel that I would get to stay put, try harder, be more respectful, submit more, tell him your sorry, etc. would change. It would be my “get out of jail” card.
Then we would have earned our status as “victims”. Instead, he is viewed as the victim. The poor man…his wife left him. Took his kids away from him.She threw away their 21 year marriage. Doesn’t she care what the Bible says about divorce? Doesn’t she know the damage this will do to her children? It is her sin of unforgiveness and bitterness that is keeping them apart. On and on it goes.
For some the reason, the only abuse that seems to “count” is that which affects the physical body. Especially, within the church. As long as my husband didn’t hit me, nothing else mattered. My mental state, my emotional wreckage, my mind, spirit, and soul could be pummeled, shriveled, and dying and somehow that was something everyone else found acceptable for me to live with.
I would have people point out to me, and still do, that unless my husband committed adultery, or he chose to leave me….which is ridiculous, because abusers don’t generally choose to leave their victims….the Bible did not allow for me to leave him. And yet, the church, not the Bible that they held me trapped with, but the church has somehow decreed that physical abuse is a justifiable reason to leave.
I finally got the courage, and the faith in God to take care of us, to leave our abuser. I have not been supported by my church. My church has helped my husband. With his lies, he has recruited allies there. The behavior of church leadership, and some members toward myself and my children was appalling…and ignored. Eventually, my children and I had to flee our church. My husband got to stay, where he is made to feel welcomed and given all the support and help I could only have wished for.
I can only wish he had been hitting me. Then maybe things would have been different.
I could have written most of your words — your story was my story. And our stories are the story of so many other women.
I’m happy you’re free — and you don’t have to wish anymore to be hit because things ARE different now for you and your children.
Blessings!
Hello, “10.”
I am so glad to know that you are free, and I thank you for taking the time to share some of your story. It is a tragic one and so horribly similar to many others I receive.
Nevertheless, I am amazed and blessed to know that God gave you the strength to leave your abuser and rescue your children. There comes a point when the pressure put upon us by outsiders is eclipsed by both the pain and the power of God to enable us make a dramatic change in the face of intense opposition. You did good! I am sure it hasn’t been easy, but I am very happy that you have found freedom and know the truth about where you have been.
Thank you for coming by to share.
I wish you well.
Cindy
10arefree that happened to me too. I have struggled to go to church since. I feel your pain because it’s mine too. Unbelievable hurt that my church that I loved and still love could take his side.
Cindy I love your site. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. Everything you write in the article about what to expect when you leave an abuser has come true for me. I’ve been in that battle for 3 years now. It’s been horrendous. The pressure to go back has been immense. Thankfully I was directed to a book called Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft which opened my eyes so much to what I was dealing with.
Your experience and the comments of those on here make me feel so much less alone. Thank you all x
Hello, Phoenix.
Dear woman, you are definitely not alone. What you are going through many of us have been through. You should not feel any obligation to return to a man who cares more about himself and his comfort than he does for you. I am happy to encourage or direct you as you have need. You are welcome to e-mail me privately from the website if you would like.
Be strong and be wise.
Cindy
I, too, had the same reaction as Amy when I saw the title to this post. My husband has been physical a few times in our 10 year marriage but mostly verbal and emotional. I have wished many times that he would just hit me as I could deal with those “scars” more than the ones he has left in my heart and on my soul. I FINALLY stood up to my husband last week when I knew I had the support and help I needed (the county courts ended up getting involved based on an anonymous report). This past week has been a whirlwind and he has said he is a “changed man” and that he knows what he could lose and that he will do whatever it takes to keep us together as a family. I’m a little reluctant to believe him. Not that I am afraid his abusiveness will come back (he seems to know better now that we have a report on record) but I just wonder if he is “truly” changing. Does he really know all of the stuff he has done to me? I had to remind him of the physical incidents as he “forgot” those happened….Can a man like this really change?
Marie, I am glad that you wrote. Before you believe anything your “changed” husband has to say, I hope you will read two other pieces of mine to help you to understand where this may be going: “Checklist Blackmail” can be found here: http://www.hurtbylove.com/?p=348 and “Leaving An Abuser: What to Expect and How to Stay Grounded” here: http://www.hurtbylove.com/?p=136
Watch out for those “Magic Words, Buy-Offs and Hooks.” Abusers know how to play this game. But, I know how it’s played now, too. As you work through this, feel free to e-mail me, and I’ll try to help. Or, if you have not already done so, you might want to consider getting my book, “Why Is He So Mean to Me?” I walk victims through the entire process and the abuser’s many mind games in the book, and it may well be $9 worth spending to see the whole picture.
Trust your instincts! Don’t feel an obligation to buy in. If anything, wait and see how he responds when he doesn’t get the response he expects and thinks he deserves.
Be wise and be safe.
Cindy
Marie,
I echo everything Cindy said in response to you. Especially that of trust your instincts! I had grown to doubt myself so much after 20 years with an abusive man and at the end when he would say how changed he was my gut told me it wasn’t true.
And as I prayed for God’s wisdom and counsel in my situation He very clearly opened my eyes to all that had happened over the years which gave me the courage to stand firm against ever letting it happen again in my future.
As Cindy said, you will have your answer of whether he has truly ‘changed’ when things do not stay the same as they once were.
When my ex tried to appear all loving and caring in the end, but didn’t get the usual response from me of bowing down and just letting it all go, he became hostile and reverted right back to his usual narcissistic ways. That’s when I knew for sure that leaving was the best thing for me.
And it has been.
Blessings!
I always felt like if he had only hit me I would be able to leave. As the years went on, it continued to worsen, the abuse became more physical and sexual. Each time I justified it as not that bad and it could be worse. He never left visual marks. I have to agree, the emotional abuse cut far deeper and left much deeper scars. People are often quite judgmental, however. As my husband is an elder and Bible teacher in the church, the pastor is hesitant to confront him, despite that I have moved out with one of the kids. He agrees that the behavior I describe can’t continue but the church has yet to come along beside me. People have made the choice to.Leaving has still been the best choice. I have never felt this free and relieved!
Hello, Linda.
I am so sorry to read that you were subjected to, not only by your abuser, but also by those within your church who should be supporting you. Yours is a very common tale…
Know that you found a safe place here, where you will find a lot of freeing truth, prayerful support and encouragement.
You are not alone.
Thank you for coming by to share.
Cindy
To all of you brave women, my regards. I left my marriage after 42 years of primarily verbal abuse. The physical stuff happened in the first few years. He did tell me, way back then, however, he’d never leave a mark. Should have left then, but I had a lot of wising up to do. I’m still doing the work of recovery, but in my peaceful, safe, cozy home. Divorce was final over one year ago.
He and I did have a bit of a reprieve about twenty-five years ago or so after some counseling. But that ended, too.
If it’s any comfort for those of you still in the thick of the emotional fray, divorce is not the unforgiveable sin. That’s just one of the wise “words” that helped me through the early months.
I am sure that your encouragement is appreciated by those who are still in it, Priscilla. It’s always so good to hear from others who have made it, especially after so many years of marriage.
I also would like to add that, not only is divorce NOT the unforgivable sin, it is not a sin at all. Divorce is merely a public acknowledgement of a private truth – that the marital covenant has been broken by one or both parties. The Mosaic law provided divorce specifically to protect women who are held in bondage to a neglectful or abusive spouse. Furthermore, this biblical provision was not contested nor rejected in the New Testament. Never once did Jesus condemn the provision of a writ of divorce for cause, but rather He rejected the easy use, the no-cause act of “putting away” a wife simply because a man wished to take another wife.
My book, “God Is My Witness: Making a Case For Biblical Divorce,” walks the reader through God’s truth in this – and more. My updated version (second edition) of the book will be released very soon. Stay tuned!
Cindy,
Yes, I hadn’t yet put that in words: divorce is not, actually, sin.
Lately, I having been thinking about the exhausting effort required to ease the painful, mind- and spirit-bending cognitive dissonance resulting from thinking one has to stay in a marriage, or go back to one, where there is abuse and how, in the church, this is the consequence of unexamined thinking (and unexamined Scripture) that too often blames the victim and requires her to change her behavior to “save” the relationship.
Fortunately, Jesus, God’s own Son, already paid the price to save abusers–and to free and restore the abused.
And He, alone, was/is able to do that.
I agree completely. Many believers, and the church, in general, ascribes to the abuse victims responsibilities that do not belong to them, but to God alone. It is not another person’s job to change another person.
I have thought this before – if only he would hit me. It would be so much easier to explain. People understand bruises and blood. But wounds to the heart are so easy to explain away. I just sound like I am crazy.
I am glad that you took the time to write.
Believe me – you are not crazy! You and I are among many who have lived through this same kind of insanity. It feels impossible to explain to anyone. Who will understand? I do – and many others like us. Please look through the other articles and resources we have available here. I am happy to direct you too, depending on the kind of information you are looking for. However, I am in the process of moving and will not likely be available for a few days. Keep educating yourself on the abuse dynamic, and you will begin to see it more clearly and grow stronger in the process.
Learn to trust your instincts, not to dismiss or diminish what your heart is telling you. That is a good place to start.
Cindy
I was in panic mode yesterday. I tried to reach to anybody I could. None on Facebook have where u can be private. I couldn’t get any help. I went on internet. I tried and tried. I tried here. I pray some way one these sites or Facebook pages make it so somebody in panic can get help quick. It’s scary to think ur nothing already. Then nobody helps. It’s so sad
Hello “Poison.”
I’m sorry you are in a rough place at the moment, but I glad you found the website and will help as I can. You might want to contact me through the Contact Cindy page, so we can “converse” privately.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Cindy