“War Room” Is Unsuitable for Victims of Abuse

[Spoiler Alert]

I stopped by the Christian bookstore the other day to look for some new reading material when I overheard a patron at the counter ask the store cashiers if they had seen the movie “War Room.”  They both happily responded in the affirmative.  Another gentleman browsing nearby immediately interjected that he liked it as well, jokingly commenting, “Submission is when a woman puts her head down so that God can hit her husband.”  And everyone within earshot laughed along with him.

Except me.  Because that trite little comment does not begin to resemble the truth.

My heart began pounding, and I so wanted to speak up and explain why “War Room” is potentially harmful to abuse victims.  But on they chattered, and rather than saying anything, I quickly bolted for the door.  I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

“Just what abuse victims need,” I screamed internally as I marched back to my car, “a Christian movie that imposes upon them one more burden of obligation to remain with their abuser.”

I had seen the movie and was very disappointed in it.  The film’s basic premise is that prayer grounded in truth is a powerful force for positive change.  Agreed.  Unfortunately, however, that premise is only a half-truth, for the other side of that truth is that God has given men free will.  All of the prayer in the world may not change the wicked – some who even call themselves believers – and we have a right and responsibility to protect the innocent and allow evildoers to reap what they have sown.

When Doug and I decided to go see the movie, I understood its emphasis to be on the power of prayer.  I personally delight in spending time with God in prayer, have seen Him work mightily through it, and at times having been privileged to hear His unmistakable, inaudible voice.  In that vein, I was hoping to be propelled to a higher plane of understanding and inspiration.  Although the film endeavored to make the case, as an abuse survivor, the primary plot of the film killed it for me.

The focus of the conflict in the film is a borderline abusive, potentially adulterous husband (Tony) whose Realtor wife (Elizabeth) is wrapped up in her own life, neglects her daughter and has no idea what to do to make their lives better until she “coincidentally” meets a godly, elderly woman named Clara who has hired Elizabeth to sell her home.  Elizabeth’s new client takes Elizabeth under her wing, mentors her spiritually, and encourages Elizabeth to make prayer a priority with the goal of reclaiming her home and her marriage.

Elizabeth takes the task seriously, emptying her closet of her clothes and worldly possessions to create a War Room where she can spend her private time immersed in Scripture without distraction and commence battle with an unseen enemy through prayer.  Elizabeth soon sees how she has neglected her young daughter and makes amends and necessary change.  Then a girlfriend sends Elizabeth a text message about seeing Elizabeth’s husband in an inappropriate situation with another woman.  So Elizabeth begins to pray.  Suddenly, a mysterious illness overtakes her out-of-town, adultery-minded husband, thwarting his obvious intentions.

When Tony returns home, Elizabeth doesn’t confront him or even seem shaken, when most of us would be overwhelmed with feelings of betrayal, brokenness and humiliation.  Even knowing that her husband may have been unfaithful in the past 24 hours, Elizabeth seemingly rises above it, acting like nothing has happened, as though she doesn’t know what she knows.

When Tony pointedly asks Elizabeth what she wants from him, obviously referencing their relationship, she thinks for a moment and then calmly tells him that what she really wants is a hot fudge sundae, going into ridiculous detail about mounds of vanilla ice cream coated in chocolate, smothered in whipped cream and topped by a cherry.  In spite of the audacity of it all, the audience joined in collective laughter.  Then Elizabeth adds that she would also love a foot massage, even as a look of sheer bewilderment crosses Tony’s face.

I was horrified.  So that’s how a believing woman in that situation is supposed to respond?  Don’t let him see you weeping from the pit of your soul when faced with heart-wrenching betrayal.  Just internalize all your pain.  Pretend everything is just fine.  Really?  Apparently, those who wrote the screenplay are wholly unacquainted with the immeasurable grief of infidelity.

Anyway, Tony is dumbfounded by Elizabeth’s strange response.  Yet Elizabeth keeps silent and maintains her commitment to pray.  What a woman!  Then, as some measure of perfectly timed divine justice, Tony is fired after it is discovered that he has been stealing pharmaceuticals from his employer.

Suddenly jobless and ashamed, Tony discovers Elizabeth’s prayer room, is suddenly awakened to the devotion of his wife, realizes how much he loves her and his daughter and tearfully repents.  Tony arrives home one day soon after and presents Elizabeth with a ginormous hot fudge sundae which brings her to tears.  Then she relishes her sundae on the sofa while her husband gives her a foot massage.  In spite of the rough days they face as a result of Tony’s job loss, their marriage is miraculously restored.

Right about then, as if he knew that I was beginning to feel sick, my husband leaned over to me and whispered, “We know it doesn’t always work out that way.”  I received his words and nodded in agreement but desperately wanted to cry, not just because of the years of torment my children and I had endured as a result of my acceptance of this same unbalanced belief system.  No, my heart was filled with a whole new measure of grief for all of the Christian women who had seen or would see the movie and find themselves bound to its debilitating half-truth.

When the movie was over, I quickly stood to leave, my heart heavy and hurting, while it seemed that those who remained until the very last credit had bought in. Like so many times before, when I have been in the presence of legalists and guilt-mongers, I felt alone and wounded and frustrated for others like me, those seemingly without a voice or a defender in the body of Christ.

I am certain that the writers and producers who worked on this film were convinced that their product would encourage people in struggling marriages to pursue prayer as powerful recourse and must assume they did not for one minute consider the film’s potentially damning outcome for victims of abuse.  I wonder if they would even acknowledge this tragic oversight, or would they, as the film insinuates, assert that a praying wife will without fail bring about heartfelt repentance and change in her abuser?  Such an assertion is grievously common but in clear defiance of the whole truth of the word of God.

Truly, as I left the theater that day, I wish I could have found the words and the courage to stand up and speak the truth in the presence of the entire audience.  But it seemed the majority was comfortable soaking up heavy doses of Saccharine-laden spirituality, and speaking up in that moment would not likely have helped my cause.

For all of the film’s good intentions, I so wish the writers had chosen some other powerful prayer opportunities to make their case.  As it is, I know from my own experience and spiritual vulnerability that abuse victims who don’t know better will watch that film and feel pressured to remain with their abusive spouses, to keep their secrets and pray harder and pretend, believing that, if they do it right, their abusers are destined to change.  And all the while their abusers smirk and take comfort in the reality that the church will almost always impose an ongoing expectation on their poor wives to accommodate the habitual sin, set aside their buckets of tears and wait for God to fix it.

Too many church people forget that this kind of spiritual denial and ignorance empowers the wicked among us.  The victims and their children suffer in the shadow of a silent church while it closes its eyes and ears to the injustice, condoning the abuse and the destruction of families from within.

When, I wonder, will a Christian film producer release a film that shines a light on the terrifying reality of abuse in “Christian” homes?  I’ve actually written a full-length screenplay based on the premise.  Do you think that maybe one of these days my phone will ring?   I would be pleasantly surprised, but in today’s “spiritually correct” culture I won’t be holding my breath.

Should you decide to see “War Room,” go armed with a full understanding of the movie’s glaring shortcomings and my husband’s timely words of wisdom:  “We know it doesn’t always work out that way.”

Cindy Burrell

Copyright 2015, All Rights Reserved

28 thoughts on ““War Room” Is Unsuitable for Victims of Abuse”

  1. I’m compelled to comment on this article! Our first, Christian marriage counselor urged us to see this film, 2yrs ago. I’m still in the marriage, further shoved into an abusive, spiritual obligation & this film did not help. Your words, “abuse victims who don’t know better will watch that film and feel pressured to remain with their abusive spouses, to keep their secrets and pray harder and pretend, believing that, if they do it right, their abusers are destined to change,” are SO true! We are currently with our second, Christian counselor… The counselors are every much as enablers as we have been to the abuser and that very much needs to change!

    1. Hello, DJ. I’m sorry for the delay in responding…

      Thank you for taking the time to add your two cents here. In talking with other believers, many defended the film, and I felt a little like a leper for daring to identify the weaknesses in it. So your comments validates my own thoughts. Thank you!

      Also, with regard to counseling, from everything I have heard from other victims coupled with my own experience, couples counseling is NEVER a good idea when there is an abuser involved. Abusers know how to play the “poor me” and “look how hard I’m trying” game and, because of the we-must-save-the-marriage mantra that virtually all counselors begin with, the abuser has an ally in the counselor from the get-go. Feel free to email me if you have any questions in this regard, and I will be happy to elaborate.

      I’m sorry you are going through this. Hang in there, trust your instincts and pray for wisdom…

      Sincerely,

      Cindy

  2. I saw this movie when it first came out and I totally agree with your thoughts. I felt isolated in my thoughts about the harmful message the movie presents. As your husband said: “We know it doesn’t always work out that way.” The message the movie presented was in large part of why I stayed, along with other messages. The church is missing an opportunity to discuss abuse (narcissistic, emotional, verbal, and physical). There’s a large group of women suffering in silence because they have been told that there only choice is to pray. I wish I came across this post years ago.

    1. Hello, CL, and thank you for taking the time to share your own experience. I apologize for the delay in responding.

      As I am sure you can tell, I can empathize COMPLETELY with everything you shared. You not only suffered abuse – but then you felt ignored, diminished or shamed for not having enough faith on top of it. I pray that you are free now. But feel free to write, and I’ll be happy to help or direct you as I can.

      Cindy

  3. I also saw this film while still in an abusive marriage. It was devastating. I again felt even more isolated and was left wondering why my desperate prayers over years and years did not change my cheating husband’s heart. I understand now that it is not my responsibility to save him from himself but those messages in films such as this and from the pulpit are incredibly damaging and leave long-lasting scars. Thanks for calling this film for the saccharine idealistic story that it presents.

    1. Hello, Joy. I’m so sorry you had a similarly painful experience when you saw this movie, but I’m glad I could at least offer you a little validation. You are definitely not alone! let me know if I can direct you to other articles or resources. I’m happy to help as I can. And I pray your life has improved significantly since those painful days.

      Cindy

  4. I feel so validated by this post!! A couple years ago my church ladies group was promoting this film and we even did the study that went along with it. There were a couple sections in the study that implied that in order to truly forgive someone you must reconcile the relationship. I was so disturbed by this, I wrote a lengthy e-mail to the writers of the study expressing my concern.

    I did get a response, but it was basically “we did nothing wrong, sorry you interpreted it that way, now go away.”

    Between the War Room and Fireproof (which I thought was beyond awful), I’m going to consider carefully before I watch anymore movies by this filmmaker. Far from inspiring, I find both movies to be retraumatizing.

    1. Thank you, Amy, for sharing your own experience. It grieves me that you sought to provide input to the writers of the study, and your legitimate concerns were ignored. The experience you describe seems so typical, it’s appalling. But you are not alone…

      I appreciate your taking the time to write.

      Cindy

  5. Knowing the premise of this movie, I refused to see it for the longest time. At the insistence of a well meaning friend who knew I had “marriage problems” (I had never shared the vast amount of abuse with anyone) I finally saw it on video. I then decided I would try one last time to pray “harder”. Maybe if I prayed in my closest, with a list, my prayers would work this time. Two more years went by as my marriage and the abuse got worse and I watched some of my older children start to take on my husband’s behaviors. That’s what finally did it for me. I realized my children were being ruined and would have no hope of normal marriages. This movie only placed more burden on me to try harder. The problem wasn’t mine to begin with.

    1. Hello, Stephanie. I appreciate your taking the time to share your experience here. I’m so sorry you were burdened with that “spiritual” obligation and that you and your children suffered for it. You are so right – it wasn’t your problem, and there is nothing in Scripture that says we have the power – even in prayer – to turn someone else’s heart or will toward God. Yes, I believe He speaks to the people we pray for, but it doesn’t mean they will choose to listen. If anything, sometimes our stalwart love and faith gives our abusers more power in our lives – they use our devotion against us.

      I’m glad you finally saw the impact and made a decision to change course. I pray that God makes a way for you and your children as you grieve and heal.

      Feel free to write as you have need. I’ll be happy to “converse” or direct you as I can.

      Again, thank you for taking the time to share… I am confident others will benefit from your insight.

      Blessings,

      Cindy

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