Abuse Assessment

 A joyful heart makes a cheerful face, but when the heart is sad, the spirit is broken. Proverbs 15:13
 There may be thoughts and feelings that trouble you that are consistent with living in an abusive situation. Below is a quick personal evaluation to enable you to more closely assess the kinds of thoughts that you are living with. Just respond mentally yes or no. Perhaps a pattern will emerge.
  •  Sometimes I feel like my spouse has become a stranger to me.
  •  When my husband is around, I feel unsettled or fearful.
  •  When my husband is around, I feel like I need to behave differently.
  •  Sometimes I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him.
  •  I don’t laugh like I used to.
  •  My husband comes from an abusive or neglectful background.
  •  I came from an abusive or neglectful background.
  •  I have consistently struggled with my own self-esteem.
  •  When I come home or when he comes home, I try to quickly sense what kind of mood he is in.
  •  I have nightmares where things are out of control, or where I am running away from something.
  •  I feel like my husband doesn’t like me.
  •  I feel like I am not allowed to need anything from him.
  •  I feel like I have to pretend I am not hurting.
  •  There are times my spouse is overly harsh with the children.
  •  He speaks badly of me in front of the children and encourages them to disrespect me.
  •  I don’t trust my own judgment.
  •  I consistently feel depressed.
  •  I feel like my husband’s needs and desires always come first.
  •  My husband sometimes gives me the silent treatment.
  •  I am afraid to talk to my husband.
  •  I feel like I have to constantly prove myself.
  •  I sometimes sense that he’s hiding something.
  •  I have caught him lying to me.
  •  I feel like I don’t really matter.
  •  I feel like I’m never good enough.
  •  I don’t feel safe.
  •  I feel lonely.
  •  I feel lost.
  •  I feel insecure.
  •  I feel confused.
  • I feel like I’ve lost my identity.
  •  I feel like I have no value.
  •  I feel like he is trying to keep me away from my friends and/or family.
  •  I feel like I don’t know how to get close to him.
  •  I feel like he does things to intentionally hurt me or put me down.
  •  He gets angry or impatient with me over little things.
  •  I always feel like I need to try harder.
  •  I mentally rehearse the things I want to say to him.
  •  He is critical of the way I do things.
  •  Sometimes I feel like most of our problems are my fault.
  •  I feel like I need to keep issues affecting our relationship a secret.
  •  I feel like I need to protect his image and reputation.
  •  It feels like he must always “win.”
  •  Other people see him differently than I do.
  •  If something goes wrong in his life or someone doesn’t like him, it is almost always someone else’s fault.
  •  He treats me badly.
  •  He puts down my friends and/or family.
  •  He is an expert on everything.
  •  He says things that are hurtful.
  •  If I tell him he hurt my feelings, he tells me I’m being overly sensitive.
  •  I’m not allowed to need anything.
  •  He likes to be in control.
  •  There are times I don’t want to go home.
  •  If I question something he does, he accuses me of being bossy, nosy or paranoid.
  •  I feel guilty that I’m unhappy.
 If you answered ‘yes’ to the majority of the statements, you may be in an abusive relationship. Certainly, there are many issues that color and define a marriage; however, if these feelings and assessments are part and parcel of your relationship, it may be time to dig a little deeper and begin to establish a network of emotional support – if you do not already have one. It may be a long, rough road ahead.
 Begin your journey now, so you can pursue healing and discover the freedom and joy that is possible at the other end. There are some burdens in life that are put upon us without our permission. Some of them you can refuse, and you must if you are to reclaim your value, your dignity, your life, and the health, safety and security of any children.
 It is also important to acknowledge that, over time, you may experience any of a variety of stress-related illnesses associated with your body’s struggle to cope. Such physical issues may include: stomach or digestive problems, fibromyalgia, headaches, muscle pain, high blood pressure, or a stiff neck. I believe that the ongoing stress in my life actually contributed to a variety of food allergies I developed.
 Emotionally, you may find yourself struggling with depression, anxiety, panic attacks, obsessive-compulsive tendencies, eating disorders, insomnia, nightmares, suicidal thoughts or other related problems. Of course, seeing a physician or mental health professional may enable you to obtain medication or emotional support; however, doing so may only treat the symptom of the problem without addressing the cause, which may be directly attributable to the stress under which you are living. Your children may be subject to similar issues.
Click here for help on  What do I do now?
 * Excerpted from the book “Why Is He So Mean to Me?
 Cindy Burrell
Copyright 2014
All Rights Reserved
An Informal Abuse Assessment*

38 thoughts on “Abuse Assessment”

  1. Hi Cindy. I have been abused by my father as a child both physically, emotionally and verbally. I then fell into a very abusive relationship that included every type imaginable. I thought I met my knight who saved me from all of that. In the beginning he was so kind, compassionate and supportive. We have been together for ten years now and makes jokes or excuses every time marriage comes up. We have 2 children together, my daughter has ADHD and defiant disorder and my youngest son has autism and is nonverbal. I have suffered with debilitating depression since forever. After reading your checklist, I believe I am being emotionally and verbally abused. My fiancé claims to be a big religious person, but to me I don’t think God would approve of the way he treats me. He hates my family and says my depression is all in my head. Within the last several years it has gotten so bad I can’t get myself out of bed. I know that I have faults and he has the right to be frustrated with me. But he constantly puts me down and belittles me in front our young children. He adores my oldest daughter from a previous marriage but hates my older son from the abusive relationship he ‘saved’ me from. My son has since left and moved in with his father. He doesn’t even want him to visit me. I haven’t seen him in over a month. He says that he’s trying to help me, shake me up and give me the truth, all to help me. I feel like he hates me and is always attacking me. Several times when my car broke down he yelled at me so I feel like I cannot ask him for help. He holds all the money and I don’t even get an allowance and I’m afraid to ask him for help. I don’t know how to talk to him, to be close to him and I’m always feeling like I’m walking on eggshells around him. I cannot wake up to get my kids on the bus. I have severe chronic pain in my back and he calls me a pill popper. I feel like no matter what I do it is never good enough. We used to have food stamps and husky a but since his new job we don’t get help for food and our children are now on husky b band 1. He feels like counseling for our daughter with ADHD is dumb and refuses to pay the $10 co-pays. He buys little food and won’t help me with gas for my car or cigarettes. I feel completely alone and know that I’m not the best mother which he tells me daily. I would end my life right now if I wasn’t so scared. He yells all the time and makes me feel like I’m unable to do anything right. People think that he’s so wonderful, even my oldest daughter sides with him no matter how he treats me. I hate when he puts me down in front of my kids. He’s angry all the time and is no longer the person he was when we first met. I have no money, no job and have nowhere to go if I left him. Sometimes I feel he wants me to leave or to kill myself. We have no food, he has no patience and I never thought I was being abused until he attacked me verbally (no swear words) at my daughters counseling appt tonight. He made it all about me and that it’s all my fault our daughter has these problems. I have no idea what the counselor thought of his actions. I feel worthless and that I was not meant for this world. I take anxiety meds to help. He always says he’s just trying to help me but he never is caring or supportive in a positive way. He blames my family for how I am and even says things like no wonder my ex was the way he was and that things my ex had done to me which I know were wrong, were not his fault because of me. I feel hopeless and don’t know what to do. We went to a fair and he didn’t even give me and the kids money to eat. He’s always saying he doesn’t have any money but I know he does. When my oldest daughter he loves so much is around, all of a sudden he’s buying her favorite foods. I’m confused, lonely and hopeless right now. I feel that my family would be better off without me. He never says he’s sorry and doesn’t care that he hurts me or makes me cry. Crying only makes him angrier at me. I don’t know what to do. Pls help me if you can.
    Thank you,
    I hate myself.

    1. Hello, Cheri.

      I appreciate that you took the time to write and apologize for the delay in responding. We recently moved, and I have been a little over-extended. Let me just say for starters that you don’t have to live this way. Making a change may require a significant life change for you. What you describe is absolutely abusive and unacceptable. You will need to be willing to make some drastic life choices to get out of this toxic environment, and I hope you are prepared to do so. I have worked with other women who have felt inadequate and trapped who have successfully left their abusers and reclaimed their value and their lives. You can do it too if you are willing. I also have to believe that your son cares about where you are and wants to see you healthy and happy. Begin the work of educating yourself on the abuse dynamic, trust your instincts on what you are seeing and feeling and begin working the issue from the standpoint of becoming independent. I know it will be a lot of work, but it can be done if you are determined to get out.

      You can do this. Don’t give up. Don’t give in and don’t believe your abuser’s lies about who you are.

      I look forward to h hearing from you.


    1. Hello, Dee. You are welcome to e-mail me through the contact e-mail form. I also provide telephone consultations for a fee, if you are interested, and, depending on your situation, I might encourage you to get a copy of my e-book. Feel free to write me, and we can take it from there.

      I look forward to hearing from you.


  2. Hello Cindy. I’m not really sure where to even begin. My name is Victoria, I am 18 years old and my mother has been in an abusive relationship/ marriage ever since I was 4. My mother grew up in a neglectful home, and has always had self esteem and depression issues. She met my father in high school and had me when she was 16. Then at 19 years old, she had my brother, Berkeley. They were happy, they really loved each other. However, due to my moms past, she believed my father could do much better than her. So although she loved him, she left him, and ran into the arms of my stepdad(the abuser). I don’t remember much about how things were when they first got together, because I was so young. From what my mother has told me, she was unhappy with him from the very beginning. He was mean. He put her down. Called her horrible things. But she was pregnant with my sister, kandace, so she refused to leave. He is not only abusive with my mother, he is abusive with all of us. The abuse isn’t physical or sexual, it’s mental and emotional. Ever since I was 4 years old he’s been abusing me as well. He says that I’ll never amount to anything, I’m worthless, a waste of space, No one will ever love me, the only way I’ll ever be able to support my self is if I work on the corner, I’m a sorry excuse for a person, “my day will come”, I’ll die long before he will because I’m such a bad person, ect. Basically anything horrible you can say to someone, I’ve been hearing since I was 4. Just about everyday for the past 14 years. He says the same kind of things to my mom, And sister. He’s never happy with anything she does for him. He tells her how much he hates her everyday. He even has my 9 year old brother cussing at all of us and saying the same things he does. My other brother, Berkeley doesn’t even really come around because my stepdad is so rude to him. My mom is convinced that Berkeley just hates her, which isn’t the case at all. My mom is always going in and out of depression, she tries to act like she’s okay, but I know her. She’s not okay. She has anxiety as well and I think she may also suffer from BWS. My mother is an amazing woman, and I know she would never intentionally harm her children in any way. I really don’t think she understands how much my stepdads abuse is affecting my brothers and my sister and myself. I don’t think she understands the full extent of the affect it has on her either. Sometimes, she takes her anger out on me. She yells and cusses at me and I just go up to my room. She usually comes to me crying and profusely apologizing a little while later. We really need to get out of this situation before things get worse. We have mad a few feeble attempts such as: secretly looking for houses and apartments, trying to figure out the expenses, and my mom even got herself a job(which I think is slowly boosting her self confidence). None of theses attempts have gone past looking before my mom decides that it can’t be done. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I try telling my mom how great and pretty and amazing she is everyday but I don’t think it’s helping with my stepdad telling her the exact opposite every chance he gets. Please help me. I feel completely helpless when it comes to attempting to help my gmother. I can’t live like this anymore, and my mom can’t either. I can’t allow my siblings to grow up thinking that this is okay and normal. This is not okay. Please help me.
    Thank you.

    1. Hello, Victoria.

      Your family’s story is tragic, and you are obviously wise beyond your years, and I’m glad you took the time to write..

      Rather than posting my response here, I would like to respond to you directly at the e-mail address you provided. Let me know if that will work for you.

      I look forward to hearing from you.


    2. Hello, Victoria.

      Since I did not hear from you, I would like to attempt a brief response here. Although it is unfortunate that you have been put in this position, your ability to see the abuse in your mother’s life may be the key to unlocking the denial or fear that holds her hostage. I hope you will encourage her to educate herself on abuse. On my end, I would encourage her to read several articles I have available: “Ten Lies Enablers Tell Themselves,” “Why an Abuse Victim Doesn’t Leave (In Six Words),” “Exploiting the Feminine Heart,” and “Maybe I Was Married to an Abuser.” They can all be found from the articles link on my webpage.

      She needs to know that there are always options, that doing with less is far superior to living with an abuser, that she should begin to tell her secrets and ask for help from others. I am happy to help and encourage her along this journey. She is welcome to write to me.

      Thank you for taking the time and making the effort to help your mother and your siblings – and yourself. You all deserve better.

      I hope to hear from you further.


  3. cindy I would love to chat through email. Please contact me … I also would like to read the article about why we don’t leave…. Thanks so much.

  4. So im just now begining to believe i am a victim of verbal abuse. Im 19 & hes 33. We have been living together for almost a year. Sometimes hes nice. He helps me alot. Hes always there when i need him. But he acts like a savage when he gets mad at me, super disrespectful! He swears at me over everything. Im not allowed to have friends or do anything. I cant be around my family too long. Cause hell blow up my phone to come home. Hes super controlling. Hes a macho man men can & women cant. He gets in my face and swears at me threating to hospitalize me & that he will break my face & that he will knock me out. Etc. It lowers my self esteem to the floor and i feel depressed when he raises his fist at me. Im scared he will break my nose or something im 110lb im pretty skinny. Hes buff and strong. Hed kill me. I smoke weed to make me feel numb..and he hates it i still cook, clean and do everything im supposed to i cnt understand why hes so disrespectful. He always says im no good. That im dumb, calls me a bitch. And i have to smoke weed just to seem like im okay when in reality my heart is hurting. And i hate this cause i really do love him and wish he would just stop. Another thing when ever i dont want to have sex cause im unhappy with him or whatever the case maybe, he doesnt care he just does with out me wanting to. And i cant get him off i cant do anything because hes stronger than me. I just want us to be happy.

    1. Hello, “Ash.”

      I’m so very sorry to read your account here. You were obviously looking for information regarding abuse. What you have described is definitely abusive.

      Dear friend, you really need to separate from him so that you can begin to learn about the abuse dynamic and the role you play in it. The information I provide on this website and in my book, “Why Is He So Mean to Me?” can help you to get grounded and become stronger so that you can begin the process of reclaiming your value and your life.

      For starters, I would like to encourage you to read several pieces on the site based on what you shared. The first is, “Isolation: Another Weapon in the Abuser’s Arsenal,” “Give Me Five Minutes,” “Ten Lies Enablers Tell Themselves,” and “Sleeping with an Abuser.”

      You need to know that many women, me included, have been where you are. I spent 20 years in an abusive marriage. If you can discover now what it is you are living in and break free, you will be way ahead of the game. I know it hurts, and it’s scary. I want you to know that you are not alone.

      Please do your homework here. See this for what it is and address it head-on. Begin today. You know you deserve better, and you do not have to live this way.

      You are also welcome to e-mail me privately through the Contact Cindy page on the website if you’d like. I will do what I can to help.

      I hope you will let me know what you decide to do.


  5. Hi Cindy,
    I have some questions as far as abuse and I’m pretty sure my husband is abusive but he makes me feel like I’m overreacting. He controls the money and told me when we relocated for his job that I didn’t have to work, (I previously had my own daycare). Almost immediately, he started throwing in my face that he works and I don’t do anything- even though we have a son I stay at home with, I feel like the house always has to be clean, dinner prepared and laundry has to be done to show him what I’ve done thoughout the day so he won’t make mean comments to me when he gets home. Just today I asked him if he would help me peel potatoes and he called me lazy and that’s my job. If my makeup isn’t on, he makes comments to me saying to take off my mask.y son is 4 so I know if he sees this now, there’s a great chance he will repeat as most abuse is a cycle. I do get yelled at or put down in front of friends or should I say, “corrected”. When he is angry, things like – leave, wish he never married me, things like that fly out of his mouth. I need advice as to reconize and take control. Hoping you can help.

    1. Hello, Kristen.

      I’m glad that you found the website and took the time to share here.

      Let me just say from the outset that even just the little you shared here is wholly consistent with abuse. To begin to get your footing, I hope you will continue to educate yourself on the abuse dynamic and the role we as enabler-victims play. Several articles I would initially recommend include, “Why An Abuse Victim Doesn’t Leave (In Six Words),” and “If Only He Would Hit Me.”

      I am happy to help as I can, and you are welcome to e-mail me privately so that we can “converse” further. The link to my e-mail can be found on the “About Cindy” page.

      You mention taking control. Generally speaking, getting your abuser to change may not be an option and, as you begin to see the dynamic more clearly, you will better understand why I say that.

      Just know that what you are describing is not love, it is abuse. Know that you are not crazy, you are not over-reacting, and it is not your fault. Begin there, continue to educate yourself, and take one day at a time.

      I hope to hear from you.


  6. Hello Cindy
    I recently married the love of my life 3 months ago. He broke his leg at the end of November and it seems as if the more he sits at home the nastier he acts towards me. I was yelled at on 4 different occasions today for not understanding what he was talking about and called stupid when he referenced something I told him that I didn’t catch onto right away. He says that he does not feel safe around me (we live alone with me being the only person that takes care of him). When we first met he was very nice and we lived together for a tear prior to tying the knot. Once we moved into our recent home a year ago he seems to criticize me more even in public around his family. He claims I let myself go and two months ago told me I dressed like a bum and that he was embarrassed to be seen with me. I know that I am not perfect but it seems like nothing I do is right. I try to explain the way I am feeling to him and he tells me it’s my fault I let people affect me and that any time he speaks or yells at me that he is not doing it to tear me down but it is exactly what it does. I no longer cry in front of him because he said it was a cop out so he would feel bad for me and stop criticizing me in that moment. He says that I do not listen to him which is out of order with our beliefs as he is the head of the household but I do listen it just seems like the things he wants me to do and listen to change day to day depending on how he is feeling. He recently asked me to fix the bedding on the couch for him and when I went to do it he yelled at me to fix the middle so I did that he then said I don’t listen no matter how many times he talks to me and told me to just leave it alone. It is all very confusing for me. I don’t usually look for answers online but I have nobody else to talk to and don’t want my family to know what is going on.

    Please help me…

    1. Hello, Marie.

      I am so sorry to read your story. I am confident that you found this website because you already know that what you are living with is abuse. So allow me to validate your experience and tell you that, based on everything you shared, you are living with an abuser. Your instincts are speaking truth. You know in your heart that the way that man treats you is wrong, that you do not deserve to be treated that way, and you don’t want to like that.

      You don’t have to. If you are prepared to leave that environment, then I encourage you to do so. Separation is the best way to gain the clarity you seek, to see from a distance the truth about who he is and how he is treating you. You need to know that for the abuser, this is a game, a chess match. An abuser looks for your vulnerabilities, your soft spots. An abuser will say or do whatever is necessary to get what he wants. Crazy-making, put-downs, criticism, lies, manipulation, cruelty, irrational anger and the like – all of these things are perfectly acceptable weapons in the abuser’s arsenal. You need to see them for what they are, learn to trust your instincts and refuse to buy into his lies or accept his terrible treatment of you.

      I want to encourage you to keep reading the articles I have available on the site, consider getting my book, “Why Is He So Mean to Me?” which is available as an e-book for only $8.95. It is also available here or on Amazon as a paperback and several reviews can be found there. Arm yourself with knowledge and begin the process of reclaiming your life.

      I will help as I can. You are welcome to e-mail me through the “Contact Cindy” link from the “About Cindy” tab.

      Now that you know the truth, begin the work of breaking the cycle of abuse in your life. You don’t have to live that way and you shouldn’t.

      I hope you will stay in touch.



  7. I took your test…but I took it in regards to “God” being my husband like the bible talks about. I didn’t make anything up, fabricate anything, and was honest.

    “Sometimes I feel like my spouse has become a stranger to me.”

    Because he is constantly evolving into something more through revelation. The more I discover, the more disturbed and hopeless I feel about getting away from my ultimate abuser.

    “When my husband is around, I feel unsettled or fearful.”

    I feel not good enough, that I don’t belong, that I have to BEG to be a part of it, that I have to BEG for my life, that he will have me terrorized constantly and forever, and that ultimately I am forced to believe what he says “or else…”

    ” When my husband is around, I feel like I need to behave differently.”

    I feel like I am not allowed to be myself at all. That I have to watch every thought, movement, action, and neurotically check every motive behind every single thing I do in life, otherwise off to the ovens for me.

    “Sometimes I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him.”

    Sodom and Gomorrah mean anything? Job? Eternal hell? The master closing the door? etc…

    Acts 5:9 Peter said to her, “How could you conspire to test the Spirit of the Lord? Listen! The feet of the men who buried your husband are at the door, and they will carry you out also.”

    “I don’t laugh like I used to.”

    Actually, I hardly have laugh in 5 years since Christ came into my life. In fact, all he has shown me is the complete misery of the world. I hate the eyes that I have been given and what I can see now.

    “My husband comes from an abusive or neglectful background.”

    Allegedly, nobody was abused more. It seems masochist and insane to me, but I am not allowed to question it in the slightest.

    “I came from an abusive or neglectful background.”

    I have never met anyone personally abused more than me.

    “I have consistently struggled with my own self-esteem.”

    Thanks to the reality God gave me from birth (physical). The spiritual birth just made my self-esteem even worse in many ways. The “good” self-esteem I was given from loving folks isn’t worth crap “in” the world though. Not really all that much fun in heaven alone either.

    “When I come home or when he comes home, I try to quickly sense what kind of mood he is in.”

    I always know what kind of mood he is going to be in…”mean” unless I do EXACTLY what he says, how he says, etc…

    “I have nightmares where things are out of control, or where I am running away from something.”

    Which one should I focus on? The nightmares from all the abuse from the monsters God gave me in this world, or from the “dreams” of prophecy I know experience of horror that is “shown” to me. Either one, they all suck!

    “I feel like my husband doesn’t like me.”

    Well he “claims” he loves me, but to be honest, I feel nothing like that from all the abuse I receive from the supernatural BS and the material world also.

    “I feel like I am not allowed to need anything from him.”

    Well I am only allowed to get what “he” thinks I “need,” including abuse if that is what he decides to use on me.

    “I feel like I have to pretend I am not hurting.”

    Are you kidding me??!?!?! I am not allowed to even speak of my struggles and pain in the slightest, forced to push all the abuse aside from God, and just be there for others needs. The more I go into a relationship with God, the more I realize I have to keep my mouth shut or “else.”

    “There are times my spouse is overly harsh with the children.”

    He has killed all the first born babies of Egypt because he raised a lunatic on purpose like Pharaoh, to purposely harden his heart, to prove his supernatural muscles in the end. And if you don’t like it, tough. Job. Jesus.

    “He speaks badly of me in front of the children and encourages them to disrespect me.”

    I have yet to meet a Christian who sincerely cares. I have seen him use his own children to turn on each other.

    “I don’t trust my own judgment.”

    I am not allowed to in any capacity. Pov 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

    “I consistently feel depressed.”

    Rev 9:6 During those days people will seek death but will not find it; they will long to die, but death will elude them.

    “I feel like my husband’s needs and desires always come first.”

    Actually, nothing else comes first. I feel like God could care less what happens to me in any capacity, as long as his glory in the end is finished, who cares who he loses, hurts, or destroys in the process of that happening.

    “My husband sometimes gives me the silent treatment.”

    Who doesn’t feel the silent treatment from God? Not only does he give me the silent treatment, he acts like he doesn’t exist for most of your life, then suddenly one day shows up, but nobody else is going to believe you about it.

    I am afraid to talk to my husband.

    I am terrified to ask God for “anything” because if I do, then I owe even more back. So I just about try to NEVER ask for anything from God. The costs are too much.

    “I feel like I have to constantly prove myself.”

    Test, after test, after test, after test, etc…

    “I sometimes sense that he’s hiding something.”

    Everything. But when he does speak, he will speak in parables or riddles to further confuse an already tormented soul.

    I have caught him lying to me.

    “I have been severely deceived, which I consider being lied to just the same. Why would anyone want riddles when they are begging for their life?”

    I feel like I don’t really matter.

    “In God’s world, nothing matters but “His” own glory. If God feels the need to send me through horrific violence to gain his glory, he will do so. It’s quite terrifying living with something that relies so much on fear, terror, and violence just to get its point across constantly. Just ask Jesus what I mean.

    “I feel like I’m never good enough.”

    Well, unless I am willing to get as perfect as Jesus, I certainly am not.

    I don’t feel safe.

    That is the LAST thing in the world I feel with or around God is “safe.” In fact, God has become worse to me than any other abuser to date. What happens to you when you are turned over to Satan for the disposal of the flesh? What if God doesn’t actually “choose” me (many are called, few are chosen)? What if God murders more children like he did with Egypt’s first born, or what he did to Daniel’s son because I pissed him off? What if God continues to have me terrorized to burn the flesh of?

    “I feel lonely.”

    Beyond an understatement. I wish I was never born.

    I feel lost.

    When you experience dreams, visions, miracles, etc… I would think anyone would feel more than lost. When you realize the terrible things God can really do to you, lost doesn’t even come close to describing the real loss you feel.

    “I feel insecure.”

    When I realize that God can actually do anything he wants to me, against me, or with me, you realize that there is nothing secure at all.

    ” I feel confused.”

    Is it Catholic, protestant, Lutheran, Orthodox? Who the heck actually knows? I thought the spirit of truth leads folks into “all” truths…then why am I confused as to which one? What about if God sends me strong delusions? How would I know who I can trust him if he would do something like this to me?? How can Satan deceive the whole world if God is in charge?

    I feel like I’ve lost my identity.

    Renewing of the mind. Where are the rest????

    “I feel like I have no value.”

    Well if you are a follower, you certainly have no value in the world. If you have been born again, and are subject to god’s torture (burning away the dross, reshaping the clay, pruning the branches, whatever…) they claim there is value, but I have yet to experience to the level others claim.

    “I feel like he is trying to keep me away from my friends and/or family.”

    Luke 14:26 “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters–yes, even their own life–such a person cannot be my disciple.” (and there is so many more quotes) On top of things, not only does he not bring peace but division, but he actually snubbed his own mother when she came to see him once.

    “I feel like I don’t know how to get close to him.”

    Actually I do. Unless I am willing to put up with abuse from everyone else in the world first, he won’t help me or love me.

    “I feel like he does things to intentionally hurt me or put me down.”

    Romans 9:18 Therefore God has mercy on whom he wants to have mercy, and he hardens whom he wants to harden.

    “He gets angry or impatient with me over little things.”

    Chastising, Iron Scepter, or Rod ring any bells?

    “I always feel like I need to try harder.”

    It is so beyond exhausting…it is the eternal “why didn’t you get an ‘A’ like Jesus instead of the “A-” Why weren’t you willing to stand in there and get your face punched in more, like Jesus kind of thing. It gets old fast.

    “I mentally rehearse the things I want to say to him.”

    Although I know he will never listen or allow me to speak. Just ask Job about that one.

    “He is critical of the way I do things.”

    Actually he will throw me in hell if I don’t do “exactly” what he says to do.

    “Sometimes I feel like most of our problems are my fault.”

    With God, EVERYTHING is my fault. He cursed us, yet that is my fault. He cursed my parents, yet that is my fault. He hates on his creations with rules he knows they can’t keep, because HE MADE THEM THAT WAY, then hates on them for being the way he made us.

    “I feel like I need to keep issues affecting our relationship a secret.”

    Experience miracles, dreams, visions, etc…then tell a few folks about it. See how “secret” you really have to keep God. Try telling even his followers of these things that happen to you surrounding this, find out how “truth” really works in this world and how secret you really need to keep God before the mental illness accusations start flying. Let’s not mention how much he has you terrorized into believing him, uses salvation as a weapon and tool to terrorize, and can even utilize evil to address his needs, and gets to blame it elsewhere.

    “I feel like I need to protect his image and reputation.”

    Well going around and talking about the baby killer God like the Egyptians first born doesn’t get folks in the pews, but Cor 13 certainly will. So I can’t tell them about the part of wishing you were dead for years while God is having you terrorized into being reborn. Or Christians ever really talk about the “slavery” that is really requested by God, and try to paint the pretty pictures of Heaven and freedom instead. Then again, watch some preachers try to discuss homosexuality to Christians with gay sons or daughters, or domestic violence survivors try to sell getting away from their abusers when God hates divorce 😉

    “It feels like he must always ‘win.'”

    Do I need to say more on this subject?

    “Other people see him differently than I do.”

    The Christians with all the wealth of this world, the pride of the church behind them, filled with loving families and children, free from violence and hate, sure have such wonderful things to say about God. Never met the ones that were raised in as much violence as I was claiming how wonderful God really is towards them just the same though.

    “If something goes wrong in his life or someone doesn’t like him, it is almost always someone else’s fault.”

    God’s motto.

    “He treats me badly.”

    Survivor of abuse, violence, bullying, addiction, suicide, no family, a complete life of failure, and then showing up and putting it all on me to be perfect now to overcome if I could just be as strong as Jesus. He has a perfect plan and somehow that perfect plan involved me and a whole lot of other people having their lives ruined is part of his perfect plan. I would say his plan has treated me beyond badly, but what can I do? complain? If I dare do that, he has me terrorized for eternity.

    “He puts down my friends and/or family.”

    None of them were saved. He gave me eyes to see and ears to hear. Now all he has shown me is how much worse my family really was and is. That was special.

    “He is an expert on everything.”

    Allegedly. But I still have to put up with his abuse and terror if he so decides to use it on me, which he constantly does.

    “He says things that are hurtful.”

    Proverbs 1:26 I in turn will laugh when disaster strikes you; I will mock when calamity overtakes you–

    “If I tell him he hurt my feelings, he tells me I’m being overly sensitive.”

    He could care less about hurting my feelings. He tells me “look what Jesus went through…” you can take more.

    “I’m not allowed to need anything.”

    I am not allowed to know what I need for myself, and I am supposed to count on him for EVERYTHING. I certainly am not allowed to “want” anything at all though.

    “He likes to be in control.”

    If I don’t love him with all my mind, heart, and soul, he will utterly destroy me forever.

    “There are times I don’t want to go home.”

    I am terrified of God. If I could choose an existence without any memory, consciousness, thought, feeling, expressions, just utter nothingness after what I have been through with God, I would choose that rather than anything else. But I don’t get to “choose” what I want, only one of two choices provided by God, whether I like it or not.

    “If I question something he does, he accuses me of being bossy, nosy or paranoid.”

    I am not allowed to question a single thing actually, and if I do, it only gets worse for me.

    “I feel guilty that I’m unhappy.”

    Because he makes me feel like everything is my fault. He uses “guilt” on me constantly, and it’s called a conscious. If I try to do a single thing for myself, in any capacity, or want a single thing for myself in any capacity, I am “guilt-ed” into thinking that I don’t deserve a single thing, and even made worse to even have the slightest thought of wanting something for myself, including loving someone in any type of a romantic way now also. He is so beyond crazy, that if I even think of a single thing other than him, he threatens to have me terrorized for eternity and often has me threatened or terrorized.

    This is what it is like to be inside a relationship with God for me, according to your test. What should I do?? Doubt you will leave this up or have some good advice for me. According to your website, I should get as far away from God as I can get though.

    Or are you going to tell me now too that I am wrong for feeling the way I do inside this relationship and the way He makes me feel also?

    1. Hello, Abused.

      Dear one, your message is so sad. I am sorry you have been hurt so deeply. But the God you claim is out to shame and harm you is not the God I know. That is not the voice of God you hear, but the voice of the accuser, the enemy.

      The God I know personally created you and adores you and wants the best for you. It is He who actually gave His life for you and took upon Himself all of the guilt and shame you say He puts upon you. That is inconsistent with His heart and His intentions toward all of us. None of those things you describe represent the God who reaches into our lives and brings freedom and healing. This world is a dark, harsh place where the enemy reigns, and bad things happen to good people, but God is our refuge, a safe place.

      So what if your family members aren’t saved? So what if you can now see that they are not healthy people? If that is the truth, then you are free to accept it and find your own family of people who love and respect you. That may be painful, but truth is what sets us free. The family of God is full of widows and orphans and outcasts. I am one of them. Join the club.

      Your feelings are what they are, and if you are determined to believe that God is a hateful, cruel taskmaster, then that is between you and Him. I only know that many of us – me included – have been through some very painful seasons in this life that I endured either because of my own stubbornness or the enemy’s artful deceptions or because of wicked people who walk this earth. But I refuse to allow the enemy to win whether in my mind, my heart or my circumstance.

      The God I love can redeem it all, bring light into darkness, and heal the deep wounds that each one of us carries. I have my own history and my own wounds and thought that I had sacrificed the best years of my life to a narcissistic abuser in the name of Jesus. And, actually, some of that was my choice – grounded in an untruth I had accepted that denied the sanctity of marriage. I was angry too. But as I surrendered it all to my Lord, He came alongside me and validated me and encouraged me and provided for me and my kids in miraculous ways. It was a hard, miraculous journey. I’m not angry anymore. I’m free and content, and now I am privileged to help other women in situations similar to mine. So all of that pain was not for nothing! He has used it all to bring wisdom and freedom to others just like me – and just like you.

      I can accept where you are, and I grieve for you. I only pray you can find peace.

      I truly wish you well.


  8. Like I said, you would tell me what I am experiencing is wrong. And that my abuser is not real. And that all the abuse is all my fault for whatever sick reason. However, I am pretty clear about not lying about anything. I told you the truth, and you responded typical fashion that all people respond to abuse victims…”it’s not real and your wrong.” Bravo.

    I could tear apart line by line what you said, but you still won’t see the truth correctly. You purposely neglected a proper response to what I said in favor of holding onto your own beliefs instead.

    Here is the simple proof in how far you are removed from the truth. Your selling “your” story, and “your” words in an e-book.

    Allegedly, all you ever have to tell is “Jesus” story, and “His” struggle, pains, sacrifice, and words. If you are not a counterfeit, and you understand this God you claim you do so well, why are you selling or preaching anything other than His story??

    John 18:20 “I have spoken openly to the world,” Jesus replied. “I always taught in synagogues or at the temple, where all the Jews come together. I said nothing in secret.

    If he said “nothing” in secret, then why do they need “your” book? Reason your way around that one. I sincerely doubt your testimony or your words as truth in any capacity.

    That is awesome that he allegedly healed you. Personally, I would rather be dead than deal with any of it. It bothers me deeply to see people like you running around in the world trying to justify God’s evil. Who created Satan to begin with? More lies you will walk around to justify God and his violence.

    You and the Holly Spirit dodge everything I said because you can’t grasp the truth properly.

    1. I’m sorry you found my response “typical.” What I shared was honest.

      It grieves me to know that you see God as evil, and that you cannot receive my experience as truth. Your anger should be directed toward Him; not at me.

      And, I don’t need to preach God’s story. In fact, I don’t “preach” anything. My story is a testimony of freedom and healing – that came from God. If you cannot accept that, then I wonder you trouble yourself to try to make me feel guilty or uncomfortable with the grace I experienced after 20 years of hell in an abusive marriage. Personally, I don’t blame God for that. I blame poor theology and teaching, coupled with a ridiculous measure of denial on my part.

      And just so you know, considering the hours I devote to this and the return I receive, I figure I might make 20 cents an hour, and for the first few years, we went into the hole every month to maintain this ministry. I invest my time and energy here because I care about women who are hurting; women just like you. I want them to know that someone understands their pain and that someone is willing to walk this journey with them. I do it because I don’t every story is heart-wrenching to me, and I care.

      If you still judge me for that; so be it. I offer no apologies for what I offer here, and many, many woman from all over the world have found encouragement, truth, freedom and healing that began with this little website.


  9. You can take down my post. Counterproductive to your cause, God’s word, and what the site is about. I still stand behind they don’t need anything other than His word kind of thing according to scripture, but the rest of it is pointless. Having one of my double minded, doubting, frustrating days. Wasn’t planned. Apologies.

    1. Hello, Abused. I’m actually glad you came back. I didn’t find your comments counterproductive at all.

      I agree that the Word has the answers we need, but I also believe that allowing others to present truth in a way that we might be better able to grasp it is also helpful. Jesus did that all the time. And different perspectives can be helpful, as we allow the Spirit to lead us into truth. For instance, I was indoctrinated with a teaching regarding divorce that, I am now convinced, is completely contrary to the Word and the heart of God. But I needed some fresh input in order to see the beautiful truth of the matter, and now I am free from the legalistic perspective that was forced upon me for many, many years.

      And I want you to know that I appreciate hurt and frustration, and I too have had my share of double-minded, doubting, frustrating kinds of days. There is no need to apologize for anything.

      I’m here to help if I can. You have obviously been wounded deeply, and I grieve for you in that.

      Let me know… And you can always message me privately from the Contact Cindy link on the “About Cindy” tab.



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