Category Archives: emotional abuse

The Truth About Reconciliation

“The one who says, “I have come to know Him,” and does not keep His commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him…”  I John 2:4

castle wall

I had the pleasure of hearing Hal Lindsey speak recently on the subject of reconciliation.  He defined the New Testament term for “reconciliation” as the restoration between two or more parties, which is only made possible when the barriers to relationship have been removed.

Mr. Lindsey’s discourse centered beautifully on the redemptive work of Jesus who, through His sacrifice, broke the bond of sin and judgment that separates us from God.  It was Jesus who made reconciliation possible, yet it is conditioned upon our willingness to allow Him to remove the barriers that keep us apart and consent to His lordship, at which point the old things that hold us bound are put behind us, and we are made new and alive in genuine relationship with Him.

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The Burden of Perfectionism

perfect3One afternoon less than a year into our marriage, I returned to our apartment to find my then-husband waiting impatiently for me in the living room.  He didn’t waste a moment before severely scolding me for failing to turn off the stereo receiver before leaving home.

He then launched into an in-depth lecture about the sensitivity of the components and the value of the equipment and insisted that my singular offense was “absolutely unacceptable.”  I humbly apologized for the oversight, but he immediately dismissed my apology.

“You have to promise me that will never happen again,” he demanded.

I explained that I would do my best while confessing I could not make such a promise.

“That’s not good enough,” he fumed.  “You have to promise me.”

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Response to Marriage Builder Article, “How to Fall in Love Again”

Well, Mr. Jimmy Evans has done it again, sending out another pathetically predictable missive on how to save your marriage.

This one seemingly provides steps to falling in love again for those whose marriages are on the rocks. While there are a lot of things he writes here that I would be inclined to question, the primary point I sought to make in my response is that he noted from the get-go that it takes the commitment of both marriage partners to reignite love’s flame when a marriage bond has disintegrated.  He fails to address the possibility that one partner or the other may not be willing to devote that kind of time or energy to the relationship, and that is the issue I sought to highlight.

I continue to be frustrated that this man, who  professes to be an expert on Christian marriage, (and there are many others like him) teaches  from a vantage point where abuse does not even seem to exist.  Furthermore, I am offended that those of us who have written to urge him to acknowledge abuse in the Christian realm  do not even merit the courtesy of an acknowledgement or a reply.

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Trump Cards: The Abuser’s Game-Changer

ace of spades2“Strange game.  The only winning move is not to play.”  WarGames

You may not even know he holds them, but the odds are good that, if you are in an abusive relationship, you have had these thrown at you more than once.

They are trump cards.

Abusers almost always have a trump card or two tucked into their pockets.  Just when you think that your reasoning might bring about a favorable resolution to a conflict, he pulls one of these babies out and drops it on the table.  Then what do you do?  You’ve just been undermined, shut down and dismissed.  The conversation is over, and you have lost.

 “I don’t care what you think.”

“I didn’t ask for your opinion.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Just go away and leave me alone.”

“I’m done talking to you.”

“I have made my decision.”

“Just do as I say.”

“You will submit to me.”

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I Can’t Stand You (Please Don’t Leave Me)

“…purify your hearts, you double-minded.”  James 4:8bangel and devil on my shoulder

An abuse victim’s thought process is a paradox as her mind waffles between extremes  – a simmering resentment toward her abuser juxtaposed against a desperate, if destructive, addiction to him.  The Scripture says that “…the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind.”[i]  It is a vivid picture, capturing well the tempest of confusion in which many an abuse victim finds herself as she endeavors  to make sense of the mixed messages she hears.

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