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Abuse Victims Share a Common Belief System

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Dear Enabler-Victim Friends:

Our actions reflect our belief system. As a recovering enabler, I have discovered that we enablers adhere to many common beliefs and thought processes as we attempt to cope in an abusive relationship. Maybe it’s time to compare some of our thoughts to reality.

See for yourself whether I know what you’re thinking, with the help of my own version of ESP: “Enabler-isms Stated Plainly”

Who’s Convincing Whom?

The abuser is trying to convince you that you are not worth loving, and you are trying to convince him that you are.

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Common Traits of an Abusive Relationship

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In my own experience, and in my exposure to the experiences of other women who are abuse victims, it is apparent that there is a bizarre, almost word-for-word script associated with the behaviors and character qualities of abusers. Although I have not been exposed to physical abuse, a majority of these earmarks seem to be evident, whether the abuse is physical, verbal and/or emotional. Here we go…

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The Turning Point

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It was the spring of 1993. I had been living in an abusive marriage for many years and had continued to honor my husband and submit to him as any “good” wife was supposed to, living under his “umbrella of authority.” But there was a critical turning point, and this was it.

The evening before, I had learned that my husband had initiated a dating relationship with another woman months before, not long after I had given birth to our third child. Though he assured me that the relationship was short-lived, I was devastated.

Emotionally spent and equally disillusioned, I left for work early the following morning, if nothing else just to put some distance between us. I wondered if I could ever trust him again, or if I even wanted to. Still, I couldn’t think only of myself; I had to think of our children. I had always believed that God could heal anything – even a broken marriage. But, at that moment, I questioned it all.

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Verbal and Emotional Abuse – A Primer – Part VII

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Reclaiming Your Life

“Then I will make up to you for the years that the swarming locust has eaten…” Joel 2:25

Catching Your Breath

After living so many years in an abusive relationship and finally finding the strength and the will to leave, you want to believe that everything will get easier.

Many things will probably get easier, and others may become more difficult. Hopefully, a little time and distance away from the abuser will enable you to de-stress and rest. You will begin to catch a glimpse of what life is supposed to be like. Just the freedom to be imperfect is a gift. Awaking in bed alone and at peace is a welcome change from waking up alert and afraid; trying to figure out some new way of protecting yourself from someone who is determined to hurt you.

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Verbal and Emotional Abuse – A Primer Part VI

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Seeing an Abusive Relationship for What It Is

The slow and painful progression from a loving spouse with hopes and dreams has taken the enabler-victim to a place where she has been compelled to ask for help, acknowledge that she is living in an abusive relationship, build a support network and do what she must to protect herself. After years of emotional assault, she is exhausted but determined to demand change.

Many women lack the strength to face their abuser or would clearly be unwise to do so. Physical violence is one short step beyond the verbal, and it may be safer for the victim to simply leave without abuser’s knowledge, taking children out of harm’s way, as well. This is where it is important for abuse victims to have a plan. In developing a support network, she needs to consider safe places where she may stay and get legal protection (such as a legal separation or a restraining order), if necessary. Threats or retaliation should be taken seriously.

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