Tag Archives: Domestic violence

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Verbal and Emotional Abuse – A Primer – Part V

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Telling Your Secrets

In this ongoing chronicle of life with a verbal or emotional abuser, the enabler-victim, after months or years of living with a hyper-critical, controlling man, finally reaches a point of desperation, shares her pain, and asks for help.

When an enabler-victim finally gets to a place where she knows she can’t live in that kind of environment any longer, she will dare to open up to someone she believes is safe for her. It will not be easy to try to explain all that she has endured for however long she has endured it. It may seem crazy to someone else. She knows that they may not believe her, particularly since she has been propping up a carefully crafted façade of a happy family for years.

The risk seems huge. Yet, when she finally shares the truth and finds a sympathetic ear, just having the opportunity to vent some of her stress and having someone listen and offer her encouragement, refer her to a good counselor, or extend a hand of support is a long-overdue breath of fresh air. Someone has graciously put an arm around her and confirmed that she is not crazy.

With just that slightest nudge, she will, hopefully, begin to accept that what she has been living with is wrong. She did not cause the abuser to hurt her. What she needs now is information, emotional support and options to ensure her safety.

As she begins to seek resources and open up to other trustworthy individuals, she gains new insight and additional affirmation. She will hopefully begin to explore more about the dynamic of abuse an seek out books, articles and support groups, and come into contact with others who have survived similar relationships.

She is relieved to know that she is not alone. But, when the truth hits home, it can also be debilitating. It seems odd, but her mind has worked so hard to keep the trauma under wraps, that when the full weight of the knowledge bears down, it is a heavy burden indeed. She grieves the years she has lost to abuse, the loss of love of someone she cared about deeply, and wonders at the long road of recovery ahead.

The enabler-victims sadness and grief often turns to anger. Now seeing more clearly the vast arsenal that the abuser has kept at the ready to belittle and control her, his next attack finds her ready. After fulfilling a role of a fearful, submissive wife, she struggles with the realization that she must meet her abuser head-on. When he begins his criticism, she may see it for what it is, and rebuke it to his face. She might tell him that he is an abuser, and he will predictably mete out blame for any issues in their relationship. The abuser refuses to relinquish his power. To do so would make him too vulnerable. He can’t have that.

Continue reading Verbal and Emotional Abuse – A Primer – Part V →

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Verbal and Emotional Abuse – A Primer – Part IV

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The Downward Spiral

We have followed the trail of the typical emotionally or verbally abusive relationship through the initial shock, rationalization, denial, acceptance and, now, the arrival at a place of perpetual fear and disillusionment.

It is only a matter of time before the enabler-victim finds herself emotionally alone and physically exhausted. Nothing works. Life is a never-ending cycle of heartache and anxiety. Abuse victims may suffer from any number of physical manifestations that may include depression, anxiety, chronic fatigue, insomnia, headaches, stomach ulcers or other digestive disorders, any of which may result from trying to cope with the stress of living in an abusive relationship. It is a high physical and emotional price to pay.

The abuser has an extremely short fuse and is consistently cruel. He will snap at his wife for the slightest thing – or nothing – yet, he still expects her to be there to meet his needs. Walking on eggshells is now the norm for his wife, and the enabler-victim is often too tired to even defend herself. She finds it puzzling that so many people see him as a great guy, and she questions whether she really is responsible for his unhappiness at home.

Tension permeates the home. The victim tries to maintain a semblance of normalcy, but children know something is wrong even when it’s unspoken. Children’s responses are an effective barometer of what may be going on in the household. They may exhibit signs of depression or anxiety, struggle at school or in their friendships, or exhibit other anti-social behaviors in a desperate cry for help.

There is nothing normal here. The victim feels helpless and wonders what in the world she is supposed to do next. Happiness seems virtually unattainable.

The Time Comes to Change Things Up

Now that the victim has finally reached the point where she is desperately miserable, she wants to ask for help, yet it feels like a huge risk to tell anyone what she is going through. Many victims are frightened by the prospect of divorce, but there comes a time when we begin to fantasize about what life might be like without the abuser. The victim feels compelled to open up to someone. Whom can she trust? How much should she share? What if the abuser finds out that she told someone and made him look bad?

It’s terrifying to contemplate opening up after keeping the secrets for so long. (It is ideal to find a counselor experienced in abuse issues, but most victims will take a chance first on a close friend.) She has an abiding fear that the person she confides in might not believe her or may tell her that the problems she is experiencing are, in fact, her fault? Or that, because he isn’t hitting her, she should just keep on trying? (This is common and simply demonstrates that many people haven’t a clue about the very real pain inflicted by verbal and/or emotional abuse.) It takes a great deal of courage to reach out and begin to tell the secrets. She should tell them anyway.

This is a crucial point at which the victim needs to stand on what she knows to be true. If one person will not hear her, she needs to keep opening up (using discretion, of course) until someone does. Organizations familiar with domestic violence will understand and may be able to refer victims to an appropriate counselor and other forms of support.

It is important to note that some victims buckle under the pressure before they have the opportunity to share anything with anyone. They should waste no time and simply get out.

See Part V

Copyright 2010 All Rights Reserved

 

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Verbal and Emotional Abuse – A Primer Part III

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Surviving in a Dangerous Environment

In the first two parts of the series, we have looked at the slow and progressive evolution into a frightening relationship, where the abuse continues and escalates, but the enabler-victim still holds out hope. In Part III, we’re looking at her efforts to survive in the midst of ongoing pain.

After who-knows-how-many months or years of tolerating or rationalizing abuse, the enabler-victim has almost accepted that this kind of relationship must be normal, or that she deserves whatever she receives. Still, there is a nagging sense that something is terribly wrong. She is tired of hurting but she hasn’t given up hope yet.

Still, she becomes increasingly disillusioned when the abuser’s behaviors don’t improve. In fact, oftentimes the abuse intensifies, or the episodes of shame, name-calling or terrorizing come in waves. She may think things are going pretty well when she is suddenly put into her painful place again. Will this insanity ever end?

The abuser’s anger and domination begins to consume other areas of her life and relationships. The abuser may begin to question how his victim spends her time and with whom. He may tightly control the finances and question her expenditures or become increasingly intimidating or aggressive physically or sexually. He may subtly (or maybe not so subtly) try to isolate his wife from friends, family and other sources of emotional and spiritual support. He ridicules others in her circle of friends. Why would you waste time with them? Or he may openly demand that she cease contact with certain people or refrain from activities or outings that she traditionally enjoys. It is another area where she may try to submit to him in hopes that he will eventually loosen the reins. By accommodating him, she ends up feeling even more lonely and dependent on him.

An abuse victim begins to live in a constant state of fear and confusion. Odds are good she is in a habit of giving herself a pep talk before she walks in the door of her own home. Maybe, she hopes, today will be different. She tries to avoid any situation that might subject her to abuse. She doesn’t want to say anything that he might find controversial or open her up to condemnation.

With each new day, she tries to believe the best, does all within her power to hold her family together. She prays and waits eagerly for change. She rehearses conversations she needs to have, hoping that if she uses just the right words, this time he’ll hear her.

The victim wonders:

Why is he so mean to me?
Why is he angry all the time?
Why can’t I have a normal conversation with him?
Why is everything my fault?
What can I do to get him to love and appreciate me?
What happened to the man I loved?

See Part IV

Copyright 2010 All Rights Reserved

 

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Verbal and Emotional Abuse – A Primer Part II

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The Next Step: Denial

In Part I, we looked at the initial progression of the verbally or emotionally abusive relationship. Although the enabler-victim tries to overlook consistently hurtful actions at the hands of her abuser, the abuse not only continues; it increases.

In the final few sentences of my first article I wrote, “…this person whom you have loved and tried to please is hurting you and doesn’t care.”

In a relationship with an abuser, what I have written is, for all intents and purposes, true. Understand that an abuser wants the victim in his life, but on his terms. An abuser will do anything to keep you, but nothing to take care of you.

Nevertheless, the enabler-victim would probably be tempted to say that the abuser “doesn’t seem to care.” The difference in perception is crucial. We enablers use mind-bending logic to attempt to rationalize both our abuser’s actions and our reasons for waiting for him to change. To the enabler’s way of thinking, the abuser really does care, it’s just that he is having a hard time acknowledging or showing it. Okay, brace yourself: that’s not true. If he cared, he would show it, and you would know it.

Here denial rears its ugly head. Of course, it was birthed many months or years before. Early on, when the abuser says or does something hurtful, the victim’s heart is so stunned by something malicious that he says or does that she must quickly rationalize in her mind that he certainly couldn’t have meant it. Maybe he was having a bad day, or other issues in his life were making him uncharacteristically impatient. The verbal slap was an accident, a slip of the tongue, or misdirected anger. It must be temporary – a phase – and surely it will pass.

When the occurrences become more common, she questions him or informs him that he is hurting her feelings, but he is unwavering and unapologetic. You are the one who is failing him, he contends. Although his reasoning seems strange, his insistence on being right makes her question whether she is, as he would say, overreacting. In the end, her efforts to get him to hear her are unsuccessful.

From there it is a downhill slide. The victim begins to become accustomed to overlooking his callous remarks and actions. She must rationalize them away as a matter of self-preservation. She believes that, with time and the right collection of influences (particularly her kind attention and positive example), these hurtful incidents will cease, and he will come to appreciate not only who she is, but he will suddenly see with new eyes the patience and care his partner has exerted to help him see the error of his ways. At that point (she has convinced herself), he will be doubly smitten and finally begin to treat her with the care and affection she has longed for for so long. He wants to love her; he just doesn’t know how.

The abuser continues to dismiss his spouse’s concerns, shuns her or rages at her when she fails to meet his impossible expectations, and the enabler is still convinced that she is simply missing something. There must be a key to his love eludes her, and she is determined to find it in spite of her ongoing misery. This is where, looking back, an enabler-victim wonders why she held on, why she continued to subject herself to his unending treachery – in her own home.

See Part III

Copyright 2010 All Rights Reserved

 

abuse, belief system, biblical divorce, divorce, faith, manipulation, marriage, religion

Ten Lies Enablers Tell Themselves

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I have been where you are.  I understand the confusion and chaos you live with. 

 I have told myself all of the same things you tell yourself, the rationalizations you use to justify the insanity of an unsafe relationship. 

I have also found freedom.  I have discovered the truth.  I want to you discover the same. 

Sometimes it takes a little jolt to get us out of our dysfunctional mindset so that we can renew our strength and find the determination we need to break the cycle.

Have these thoughts crossed your mind? 

Lie #1:  This must be normal.

You assume that your relationship is typical of most relationships.  Even though you are hurting constantly, strategizing ways to get him* to hear or understand you, trying to prove you are worth loving, you tell yourself that it’s a misunderstanding, a phase or he’s just going through a hard time.

Fear, anxiety, confusion, isolation, diminishment, sarcasm, manipulation, name-calling, shame and blame are not the automatic responses of someone who is just having a bad day.  Doesn’t it seem illogical for a man to attack his greatest ally, his best friend, his mate?  It should, because it is.

You believe that if you try harder, the abuser will come to appreciate you.  In truth, the more he abuses you, the harder you try.  That’s what he appreciates.

 Lie #2:  He’ll change.

Then why hasn’t he?

Why do you believe he will change now or at some time in the future?  Because you love him?  Because you’re so patient with him?  Because he doesn’t mean it?  Because he’s said, “I’m so sorry.  It won’t happen again”?  You believe it because acknowledging that he knows what he’s doing and doesn’t care is too scary.

In truth, you have stayed with him in spite of the fact that he is abusing you; therefore, the message he is receiving is that you really don’t have a problem with it.  You are reinforcing that what he’s doing is acceptable.

Where is the incentive for him to change?  You’re doing the same things you’ve always done; why shouldn’t he?

If he wants to change, why doesn’t he?

If he won’t change, then you must.

Lie #3:  I Need to Protect Him.

Abuse is nurtured and fed by your silence.  Part of the abuser’s power is in your willingness to keep his secrets.  Stop keeping them.

Instead of protecting him, start protecting yourself.

Lie #4:  It’s My Fault.

You are willing to believe your actions determine the way he responds to you.  You pushed his button or hit the trigger that set him off.

Do you really hold that much power over his choices or behavior?  If that is so, then why don’t you have the power to keep him from abusing you?

You have no power over him, and you never will.

You do, however, have power over what you will do.

What will you do?

Lie #5:  He Really Loves Me.

Real love operates 24 hours a day.  It doesn’t come and go with the tides, change with the time of day or vaporize because someone has had a bad day.

Abuse is never a function of a normal, healthy relationship.  Abuse and love do not occur in the same relationship.

Yes, your abuser wants you.  But just because he wants you does not mean he loves you.  I know that is very difficult to accept.  The truth is that it shouldn’t be that difficult to be kind to someone you profess to love.

So try not to confuse wanting with loving.  Just because he may not love you does not mean you are not worth loving.  You are.

Lie #6:  I Just Need to Explain Things to Him.

Words are just words to an abuser.  He can listen to you and not hear anything.  You can talk all you want, but until you are willing to do something, nothing will change.

You’ve already talked to him before, right?  Has it made any difference?

You keep talking, he keeps abusing, you keep trying harder, and nothing changes – for the abuser or for you.

Stop trying to figure out what words will work.  The best word you can use is, “Stop.”

If that word doesn’t work, what words will?

Lie #7:  He Says He’s Sorry; He’s Trying.

Anyone can say that they’re sorry.  But real sorrow brings real change.

You may latch on to the slightest effort on his part and believe it is the beginning of real change.  But there is a monumental difference between compliance and change.

Compliance is giving you the bare minimum.  The abuser may get as close to the line of offense you have declared without crossing over, or begrudgingly give you a measure of what you need.

Change is reversing course as a result of acknowledging the truth and doing everything possible (as opposed to as little as possible), to save the relationship and make it a safe, healthy place to be.

Compliance will likely be temporary.  The abuser will incrementally attempt to move the line and accuse you of being unreasonable if you contest.

Compliance isn’t change.  Without heartfelt change, it’s probably only a matter of time until you are right back where you started.

Lie #8:  I Can Save Him.

No, you can’t.  The idea that you can save him is enabling at its highest (or lowest) point of insanity.

Enabling is taking responsibility for the actions of another person.  Enabling overlooks the abuser’s flaws, forgives him, and lives in a state of denial about the abuse that is taking place.

Enabling is not noble.  Once you know that you are living with abuse and you allow it to continue, you are both a victim and an accomplice.  You are unwittingly supporting, even encouraging, his behavior by failing to call it what it is and putting a stop to it.  Even if you can convince yourself that he doesn’t know what he’s doing; you do.

The abuser chooses how to treat you.  You can only choose how you respond – whether to accept that treatment as normal or reject it and demand better.

You can’t save him.  You can only save yourself.  And if it becomes apparent that you must, you should.

Lie #9:  He Needs Me.

Does he need you because you make his meals, clean his house, listen to his griping, sleep with him?  Are you the only one who would put up with him?

And what do you get out of the relationship?  Are you getting what you need, or are you still waiting for him to treat you like you dream of being treated?

Have your dreams been replaced with a hefty dose of heartache?  Grief?  Loneliness?  Feelings of inadequacy?   Is that a relationship, or something more akin to bondage?

Know that, if the day comes that you need to leave for your own sanity, he will survive.  Abusers always do.  They’re generally too selfish to let anything get in their way of themselves.   You will survive, too, as long as you hold tight to the truth that you don’t deserve to be abused.

Lie #10:  I Probably Deserve It.

Do children deserve to be abused?  Do animals deserve to be abused?  Of course not.

So, why you?  The “I probably deserve it” lie is what we use to convince ourselves that the abuser has a mysterious (yet justified) reason for the way he treats us.  No, you’re not perfect; either is he.  But I’m guessing he wouldn’t accept from you one-tenth of what he dishes out.

There’s no good reason he could possibly offer or that you could possibly conjure up to justify abuse.  In your heart, you already know that.

Dear friend, if you discover that you have been living in an abusive relationship, get help.  There are countless resources available.  Reach out, tell the secrets, build a support network.  Begin now.

*Although abusers may be of either gender, the overwhelming majority of abusers are male; therefore, the abuser is referenced in the masculine.  The reader’s understanding is appreciated.

Copyright 2011, All Rights Reserved