In my own experience, and in my exposure to the experiences of other women who are abuse victims, it is apparent that there is a bizarre, almost word-for-word script associated with the behaviors and character qualities of abusers. Although I have not been exposed to physical abuse, a majority of these earmarks seem to be evident, whether the abuse is physical, verbal and/or emotional. Here we go…
Tag Archives: Psychological abuse
Verbal and Emotional Abuse – A Primer – Part V
Telling Your Secrets
In this ongoing chronicle of life with a verbal or emotional abuser, the enabler-victim, after months or years of living with a hyper-critical, controlling man, finally reaches a point of desperation, shares her pain, and asks for help.
When an enabler-victim finally gets to a place where she knows she can’t live in that kind of environment any longer, she will dare to open up to someone she believes is safe for her. It will not be easy to try to explain all that she has endured for however long she has endured it. It may seem crazy to someone else. She knows that they may not believe her, particularly since she has been propping up a carefully crafted façade of a happy family for years.
The risk seems huge. Yet, when she finally shares the truth and finds a sympathetic ear, just having the opportunity to vent some of her stress and having someone listen and offer her encouragement, refer her to a good counselor, or extend a hand of support is a long-overdue breath of fresh air. Someone has graciously put an arm around her and confirmed that she is not crazy.
With just that slightest nudge, she will, hopefully, begin to accept that what she has been living with is wrong. She did not cause the abuser to hurt her. What she needs now is information, emotional support and options to ensure her safety.
As she begins to seek resources and open up to other trustworthy individuals, she gains new insight and additional affirmation. She will hopefully begin to explore more about the dynamic of abuse an seek out books, articles and support groups, and come into contact with others who have survived similar relationships.
She is relieved to know that she is not alone. But, when the truth hits home, it can also be debilitating. It seems odd, but her mind has worked so hard to keep the trauma under wraps, that when the full weight of the knowledge bears down, it is a heavy burden indeed. She grieves the years she has lost to abuse, the loss of love of someone she cared about deeply, and wonders at the long road of recovery ahead.
The enabler-victims sadness and grief often turns to anger. Now seeing more clearly the vast arsenal that the abuser has kept at the ready to belittle and control her, his next attack finds her ready. After fulfilling a role of a fearful, submissive wife, she struggles with the realization that she must meet her abuser head-on. When he begins his criticism, she may see it for what it is, and rebuke it to his face. She might tell him that he is an abuser, and he will predictably mete out blame for any issues in their relationship. The abuser refuses to relinquish his power. To do so would make him too vulnerable. He can’t have that.
Continue reading Verbal and Emotional Abuse – A Primer – Part V
Verbal and Emotional Abuse – A Primer Part III
Surviving in a Dangerous Environment
In the first two parts of the series, we have looked at the slow and progressive evolution into a frightening relationship, where the abuse continues and escalates, but the enabler-victim still holds out hope. In Part III, we’re looking at her efforts to survive in the midst of ongoing pain.
After who-knows-how-many months or years of tolerating or rationalizing abuse, the enabler-victim has almost accepted that this kind of relationship must be normal, or that she deserves whatever she receives. Still, there is a nagging sense that something is terribly wrong. She is tired of hurting but she hasn’t given up hope yet.
Still, she becomes increasingly disillusioned when the abuser’s behaviors don’t improve. In fact, oftentimes the abuse intensifies, or the episodes of shame, name-calling or terrorizing come in waves. She may think things are going pretty well when she is suddenly put into her painful place again. Will this insanity ever end?
The abuser’s anger and domination begins to consume other areas of her life and relationships. The abuser may begin to question how his victim spends her time and with whom. He may tightly control the finances and question her expenditures or become increasingly intimidating or aggressive physically or sexually. He may subtly (or maybe not so subtly) try to isolate his wife from friends, family and other sources of emotional and spiritual support. He ridicules others in her circle of friends. Why would you waste time with them? Or he may openly demand that she cease contact with certain people or refrain from activities or outings that she traditionally enjoys. It is another area where she may try to submit to him in hopes that he will eventually loosen the reins. By accommodating him, she ends up feeling even more lonely and dependent on him.
An abuse victim begins to live in a constant state of fear and confusion. Odds are good she is in a habit of giving herself a pep talk before she walks in the door of her own home. Maybe, she hopes, today will be different. She tries to avoid any situation that might subject her to abuse. She doesn’t want to say anything that he might find controversial or open her up to condemnation.
With each new day, she tries to believe the best, does all within her power to hold her family together. She prays and waits eagerly for change. She rehearses conversations she needs to have, hoping that if she uses just the right words, this time he’ll hear her.
The victim wonders:
Why is he so mean to me?
Why is he angry all the time?
Why can’t I have a normal conversation with him?
Why is everything my fault?
What can I do to get him to love and appreciate me?
What happened to the man I loved?
Copyright 2010 All Rights Reserved
Verbal and Emotional Abuse – A Primer Part II
The Next Step: Denial
In Part I, we looked at the initial progression of the verbally or emotionally abusive relationship. Although the enabler-victim tries to overlook consistently hurtful actions at the hands of her abuser, the abuse not only continues; it increases.
In the final few sentences of my first article I wrote, “…this person whom you have loved and tried to please is hurting you and doesn’t care.”
In a relationship with an abuser, what I have written is, for all intents and purposes, true. Understand that an abuser wants the victim in his life, but on his terms. An abuser will do anything to keep you, but nothing to take care of you.
Nevertheless, the enabler-victim would probably be tempted to say that the abuser “doesn’t seem to care.” The difference in perception is crucial. We enablers use mind-bending logic to attempt to rationalize both our abuser’s actions and our reasons for waiting for him to change. To the enabler’s way of thinking, the abuser really does care, it’s just that he is having a hard time acknowledging or showing it. Okay, brace yourself: that’s not true. If he cared, he would show it, and you would know it.
Here denial rears its ugly head. Of course, it was birthed many months or years before. Early on, when the abuser says or does something hurtful, the victim’s heart is so stunned by something malicious that he says or does that she must quickly rationalize in her mind that he certainly couldn’t have meant it. Maybe he was having a bad day, or other issues in his life were making him uncharacteristically impatient. The verbal slap was an accident, a slip of the tongue, or misdirected anger. It must be temporary – a phase – and surely it will pass.
When the occurrences become more common, she questions him or informs him that he is hurting her feelings, but he is unwavering and unapologetic. You are the one who is failing him, he contends. Although his reasoning seems strange, his insistence on being right makes her question whether she is, as he would say, overreacting. In the end, her efforts to get him to hear her are unsuccessful.
From there it is a downhill slide. The victim begins to become accustomed to overlooking his callous remarks and actions. She must rationalize them away as a matter of self-preservation. She believes that, with time and the right collection of influences (particularly her kind attention and positive example), these hurtful incidents will cease, and he will come to appreciate not only who she is, but he will suddenly see with new eyes the patience and care his partner has exerted to help him see the error of his ways. At that point (she has convinced herself), he will be doubly smitten and finally begin to treat her with the care and affection she has longed for for so long. He wants to love her; he just doesn’t know how.
The abuser continues to dismiss his spouse’s concerns, shuns her or rages at her when she fails to meet his impossible expectations, and the enabler is still convinced that she is simply missing something. There must be a key to his love eludes her, and she is determined to find it in spite of her ongoing misery. This is where, looking back, an enabler-victim wonders why she held on, why she continued to subject herself to his unending treachery – in her own home.
Copyright 2010 All Rights Reserved
What Do I Do Now?
By the time many abuse victims find my website, they are beaten 
down, emotionally exhausted and thoroughly confused. They wonder whether their situations are hopeless, what they should do, and where to begin.
To those of you to whom the above applies, I say:
Don’t give up. You have taken the first step by discovering the truth about abuse. There is a wealth of information and help available to begin the work necessary to do what you must to reclaim your value and your life. I, and many others like me, have escaped, survived and recovered. Every abuse victim has unique circumstances but, if you are willing, the journey toward recovery begins here. It begins now.
Stop doubting yourself. Call abuse what it is. You have probably denied what you have been living with for far too long.
Gather information. Get your hands on resources that will educate you on the truth about abusive relationships and the roles of abusers and enablers that will help you to acknowledge and identify abuse when it happens, and what to do when it occurs.
Tell your secrets. Spend some time with people you trust and tell them the truth about your relationship. You will be validated, and opening up will empower you as you assess the decisions and changes you may need to make in your life.
Develop a support network. Seek support from a counselor (preferably one knowledgeable in issues relating to abusive relationships), a pastor, an attorney, other abuse survivors, friends, family members and/or a women’s shelter. Let people know your needs and begin to develop a plan for separation (if it becomes necessary). If the abuser has threatened to harm you physically or financially, consider getting a legal separation or other legal protection, and develop options for safe alternative housing, financial, employment, child care, etc.
Stop talking and start doing. Pleading with your spouse or partner to stop hurting you hasn’t worked yet, has it? Demand change by changing. (Make the changes you must to take care of yourself recognizing that, although it would be nice to see your spouse change as a result, he may not.)
Don’t confuse compliance with change. If you separate, let time bear witness of legitimate, heartfelt change. Beware of magic words, buy-offs and hooks the abuser will almost certainly use to get you back into his domain.
Begin to rebuild your life and your sense of value. Stop basing your value on his assessment. He has convinced you that you are not worth loving, and you have been trying to convince him that you are. Know that if your relationship does not survive, you can still become who you want to be apart from him.
Above all, be safe. A verbal or emotional abuser may resort to physical control or violence if he feels his control is threatened. Take all necessary precautions, including keeping a record of threats, harassment, stalking or other actions that may indicate a risk to yourself or any children. Notify co-workers, friends and family members of such actions and promptly seek a restraining order if it is merited. In extreme cases, you may need to find living arrangements that are unknown to the abuser, change your phone number, notify your children’s school and provide a copy of a restraining order (should you obtain one), and inform co-workers or supervisors at your place of employment – for your safety and theirs.
And, finally, realize…
There is life beyond abuse. We enablers become obsessively caught up in his world, trying to earn love and quell his discontent. We put on an optimistic, cautious smile and pray that maybe today he’ll decide to love us only to discover that we are missing out on the lives we are meant to live.
Abuse is not normal. Healthy relationships are characterized by acceptance, respect, affection, joy, laughter, contentment, beauty, and peace. If your abuser won’t allow you to have those things, you need to go find them for yourself.
Copyright 2011, All Rights Reserved
For a more in-depth look at the abusive relationship, you may want to consider ordering, “Why Is He So Mean to Me?” from the Books page.