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Verbal and Emotional Abuse – A Primer Part VI

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Seeing an Abusive Relationship for What It Is

The slow and painful progression from a loving spouse with hopes and dreams has taken the enabler-victim to a place where she has been compelled to ask for help, acknowledge that she is living in an abusive relationship, build a support network and do what she must to protect herself. After years of emotional assault, she is exhausted but determined to demand change.

Many women lack the strength to face their abuser or would clearly be unwise to do so. Physical violence is one short step beyond the verbal, and it may be safer for the victim to simply leave without abuser’s knowledge, taking children out of harm’s way, as well. This is where it is important for abuse victims to have a plan. In developing a support network, she needs to consider safe places where she may stay and get legal protection (such as a legal separation or a restraining order), if necessary. Threats or retaliation should be taken seriously.

Continue reading Verbal and Emotional Abuse – A Primer Part VI →

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Verbal and Emotional Abuse – A Primer – Part V

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Telling Your Secrets

In this ongoing chronicle of life with a verbal or emotional abuser, the enabler-victim, after months or years of living with a hyper-critical, controlling man, finally reaches a point of desperation, shares her pain, and asks for help.

When an enabler-victim finally gets to a place where she knows she can’t live in that kind of environment any longer, she will dare to open up to someone she believes is safe for her. It will not be easy to try to explain all that she has endured for however long she has endured it. It may seem crazy to someone else. She knows that they may not believe her, particularly since she has been propping up a carefully crafted façade of a happy family for years.

The risk seems huge. Yet, when she finally shares the truth and finds a sympathetic ear, just having the opportunity to vent some of her stress and having someone listen and offer her encouragement, refer her to a good counselor, or extend a hand of support is a long-overdue breath of fresh air. Someone has graciously put an arm around her and confirmed that she is not crazy.

With just that slightest nudge, she will, hopefully, begin to accept that what she has been living with is wrong. She did not cause the abuser to hurt her. What she needs now is information, emotional support and options to ensure her safety.

As she begins to seek resources and open up to other trustworthy individuals, she gains new insight and additional affirmation. She will hopefully begin to explore more about the dynamic of abuse an seek out books, articles and support groups, and come into contact with others who have survived similar relationships.

She is relieved to know that she is not alone. But, when the truth hits home, it can also be debilitating. It seems odd, but her mind has worked so hard to keep the trauma under wraps, that when the full weight of the knowledge bears down, it is a heavy burden indeed. She grieves the years she has lost to abuse, the loss of love of someone she cared about deeply, and wonders at the long road of recovery ahead.

The enabler-victims sadness and grief often turns to anger. Now seeing more clearly the vast arsenal that the abuser has kept at the ready to belittle and control her, his next attack finds her ready. After fulfilling a role of a fearful, submissive wife, she struggles with the realization that she must meet her abuser head-on. When he begins his criticism, she may see it for what it is, and rebuke it to his face. She might tell him that he is an abuser, and he will predictably mete out blame for any issues in their relationship. The abuser refuses to relinquish his power. To do so would make him too vulnerable. He can’t have that.

Continue reading Verbal and Emotional Abuse – A Primer – Part V →

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Verbal and Emotional Abuse – A Primer – Part IV

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The Downward Spiral

We have followed the trail of the typical emotionally or verbally abusive relationship through the initial shock, rationalization, denial, acceptance and, now, the arrival at a place of perpetual fear and disillusionment.

It is only a matter of time before the enabler-victim finds herself emotionally alone and physically exhausted. Nothing works. Life is a never-ending cycle of heartache and anxiety. Abuse victims may suffer from any number of physical manifestations that may include depression, anxiety, chronic fatigue, insomnia, headaches, stomach ulcers or other digestive disorders, any of which may result from trying to cope with the stress of living in an abusive relationship. It is a high physical and emotional price to pay.

The abuser has an extremely short fuse and is consistently cruel. He will snap at his wife for the slightest thing – or nothing – yet, he still expects her to be there to meet his needs. Walking on eggshells is now the norm for his wife, and the enabler-victim is often too tired to even defend herself. She finds it puzzling that so many people see him as a great guy, and she questions whether she really is responsible for his unhappiness at home.

Tension permeates the home. The victim tries to maintain a semblance of normalcy, but children know something is wrong even when it’s unspoken. Children’s responses are an effective barometer of what may be going on in the household. They may exhibit signs of depression or anxiety, struggle at school or in their friendships, or exhibit other anti-social behaviors in a desperate cry for help.

There is nothing normal here. The victim feels helpless and wonders what in the world she is supposed to do next. Happiness seems virtually unattainable.

The Time Comes to Change Things Up

Now that the victim has finally reached the point where she is desperately miserable, she wants to ask for help, yet it feels like a huge risk to tell anyone what she is going through. Many victims are frightened by the prospect of divorce, but there comes a time when we begin to fantasize about what life might be like without the abuser. The victim feels compelled to open up to someone. Whom can she trust? How much should she share? What if the abuser finds out that she told someone and made him look bad?

It’s terrifying to contemplate opening up after keeping the secrets for so long. (It is ideal to find a counselor experienced in abuse issues, but most victims will take a chance first on a close friend.) She has an abiding fear that the person she confides in might not believe her or may tell her that the problems she is experiencing are, in fact, her fault? Or that, because he isn’t hitting her, she should just keep on trying? (This is common and simply demonstrates that many people haven’t a clue about the very real pain inflicted by verbal and/or emotional abuse.) It takes a great deal of courage to reach out and begin to tell the secrets. She should tell them anyway.

This is a crucial point at which the victim needs to stand on what she knows to be true. If one person will not hear her, she needs to keep opening up (using discretion, of course) until someone does. Organizations familiar with domestic violence will understand and may be able to refer victims to an appropriate counselor and other forms of support.

It is important to note that some victims buckle under the pressure before they have the opportunity to share anything with anyone. They should waste no time and simply get out.

See Part V

Copyright 2010 All Rights Reserved

 

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Verbal and Emotional Abuse – A Primer Part III

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Surviving in a Dangerous Environment

In the first two parts of the series, we have looked at the slow and progressive evolution into a frightening relationship, where the abuse continues and escalates, but the enabler-victim still holds out hope. In Part III, we’re looking at her efforts to survive in the midst of ongoing pain.

After who-knows-how-many months or years of tolerating or rationalizing abuse, the enabler-victim has almost accepted that this kind of relationship must be normal, or that she deserves whatever she receives. Still, there is a nagging sense that something is terribly wrong. She is tired of hurting but she hasn’t given up hope yet.

Still, she becomes increasingly disillusioned when the abuser’s behaviors don’t improve. In fact, oftentimes the abuse intensifies, or the episodes of shame, name-calling or terrorizing come in waves. She may think things are going pretty well when she is suddenly put into her painful place again. Will this insanity ever end?

The abuser’s anger and domination begins to consume other areas of her life and relationships. The abuser may begin to question how his victim spends her time and with whom. He may tightly control the finances and question her expenditures or become increasingly intimidating or aggressive physically or sexually. He may subtly (or maybe not so subtly) try to isolate his wife from friends, family and other sources of emotional and spiritual support. He ridicules others in her circle of friends. Why would you waste time with them? Or he may openly demand that she cease contact with certain people or refrain from activities or outings that she traditionally enjoys. It is another area where she may try to submit to him in hopes that he will eventually loosen the reins. By accommodating him, she ends up feeling even more lonely and dependent on him.

An abuse victim begins to live in a constant state of fear and confusion. Odds are good she is in a habit of giving herself a pep talk before she walks in the door of her own home. Maybe, she hopes, today will be different. She tries to avoid any situation that might subject her to abuse. She doesn’t want to say anything that he might find controversial or open her up to condemnation.

With each new day, she tries to believe the best, does all within her power to hold her family together. She prays and waits eagerly for change. She rehearses conversations she needs to have, hoping that if she uses just the right words, this time he’ll hear her.

The victim wonders:

Why is he so mean to me?
Why is he angry all the time?
Why can’t I have a normal conversation with him?
Why is everything my fault?
What can I do to get him to love and appreciate me?
What happened to the man I loved?

See Part IV

Copyright 2010 All Rights Reserved

 

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Verbal and Emotional Abuse – A Primer Part II

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The Next Step: Denial

In Part I, we looked at the initial progression of the verbally or emotionally abusive relationship. Although the enabler-victim tries to overlook consistently hurtful actions at the hands of her abuser, the abuse not only continues; it increases.

In the final few sentences of my first article I wrote, “…this person whom you have loved and tried to please is hurting you and doesn’t care.”

In a relationship with an abuser, what I have written is, for all intents and purposes, true. Understand that an abuser wants the victim in his life, but on his terms. An abuser will do anything to keep you, but nothing to take care of you.

Nevertheless, the enabler-victim would probably be tempted to say that the abuser “doesn’t seem to care.” The difference in perception is crucial. We enablers use mind-bending logic to attempt to rationalize both our abuser’s actions and our reasons for waiting for him to change. To the enabler’s way of thinking, the abuser really does care, it’s just that he is having a hard time acknowledging or showing it. Okay, brace yourself: that’s not true. If he cared, he would show it, and you would know it.

Here denial rears its ugly head. Of course, it was birthed many months or years before. Early on, when the abuser says or does something hurtful, the victim’s heart is so stunned by something malicious that he says or does that she must quickly rationalize in her mind that he certainly couldn’t have meant it. Maybe he was having a bad day, or other issues in his life were making him uncharacteristically impatient. The verbal slap was an accident, a slip of the tongue, or misdirected anger. It must be temporary – a phase – and surely it will pass.

When the occurrences become more common, she questions him or informs him that he is hurting her feelings, but he is unwavering and unapologetic. You are the one who is failing him, he contends. Although his reasoning seems strange, his insistence on being right makes her question whether she is, as he would say, overreacting. In the end, her efforts to get him to hear her are unsuccessful.

From there it is a downhill slide. The victim begins to become accustomed to overlooking his callous remarks and actions. She must rationalize them away as a matter of self-preservation. She believes that, with time and the right collection of influences (particularly her kind attention and positive example), these hurtful incidents will cease, and he will come to appreciate not only who she is, but he will suddenly see with new eyes the patience and care his partner has exerted to help him see the error of his ways. At that point (she has convinced herself), he will be doubly smitten and finally begin to treat her with the care and affection she has longed for for so long. He wants to love her; he just doesn’t know how.

The abuser continues to dismiss his spouse’s concerns, shuns her or rages at her when she fails to meet his impossible expectations, and the enabler is still convinced that she is simply missing something. There must be a key to his love eludes her, and she is determined to find it in spite of her ongoing misery. This is where, looking back, an enabler-victim wonders why she held on, why she continued to subject herself to his unending treachery – in her own home.

See Part III

Copyright 2010 All Rights Reserved