Letter to Pastors

A Letter to Pastorspastor

Emotional and verbal abuse is a form of abuse that people rarely see or understand. You could be sitting right next to an abuser, and not know it. He could be your best friend, your brother, a police officer living next door or sadly, even your pastor. This type of abuser carefully creates a beautifully crafted shield to protect him from suspicion. He joins the ranks of those involved in moral activities and presents himself as a friend to all. He invests time, effort, and finances into these groups to thicken the armor of his shield. However, slowly, carefully and calculated he begins his crusade of abuse.

​His wife selected because of a combination of low self-esteem, neediness and a moral inclination towards submissiveness has unknowingly been his victim from the beginning. At first he presents himself as charming, loving and giving, promising her the world and all that he has to offer. However, these loving characteristics over time, give way to his desires and selfishness. Whether formed out of his consciousness or unconsciousness, his plan from the beginning was total dominance and submission of all under his roof. His wife, desiring to stay the course of a godly woman ultimately submits to his tyrannical rule. She believes that by loving and praying for him he will eventually see how fortunate he really is and returned to the loving, giving man he once was. But to the abuser this is only weakness to be preyed upon.

Over time, the frequency and intensity of the abuse increases. At the same time the abuser is carefully fortifying his shield by attending Bible studies, coaching for school sports and rubbing shoulders with the right people. By now his wife is very confused, wondering if he really is a bad guy. Or if she just doesn’t understand. After all, everyone else seems to really like him. If she were to tell anybody what was really going on, would they even believe her. Fast-forward 20 years, add children to the equation and you will find a dysfunctional isolated, fragile family. The seed from this curse has been planted, grown and flourished laying damage to all around. The children have two choices, either act like dad or act like mom. They will pick one of them to emulate. This form of abuse is more evil than any other form. It would be like God being the good God that He is to us all of our life and promising us the kingdom, only to get there and discover its halls are full of torture devices. God has deceived us with charm and empty promises to make us victims of his evil pleasures and dominant rule. By now, the silent victims of this that are listening to me are receiving vindication and validation for years of confusion and fear. But they are also very afraid. As a church or family that has been blessed by not having this form of abuse, you can help by acknowledging the seriousness of this abuse. If they approach you and expose the secrets of what happens in the prison of their own home, first and foremost believed them! Offer them any help that you can. Get to my wife and I anyway that you can. My wife has authored four books, one titled “Why is He So Mean to Me?  We provide confidential help and a large amount of resources to free you from this bondage.

Above all else, pastors please don’t take this position (READ) on this topic. If you  do you will be facilitating the abuse. Click HERE for my wife’s story of how the church treated her case of abuse.

Here is some more great advice from Focus Ministries ( click here )


3 thoughts on “Letter to Pastors”

  1. This looks like an interesting site I wouldn’t mind exploring further.

    In this post, you said:
    “Children have two choices, either act like dad or act like mom. They will pick one of them to emulate.”

    This may be true for some people, but it’s not universal. I knew early on I didn’t want to be like either one of my parents, the dictator or the doormat. Thankfully, my own marriage has been vastly different.

    1. I appreciate your feedback, and you are correct. Sometimes neither parent is a good role model, and each of us must choose the kind of person we want to be. Thankfully, I believe that God sends surrogates into our lives, positive role models – people whom we want to emulate. They are the people who give us hope that our lives can be different, and we can break the cycle of dysfunction in the lives of our children, as well.


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Help For Victims of Verbal and Emotional Abuse